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Really just venting, but I’m considering taking another break from dating.
The last two years I’ve tried to rework my life to be more attractive to women, started going to the gym more often to bulk up, shaved my head, paid a consultant to help me choose an outfit, picked up a bunch of co-ed outside hobbies and got a promotion at work.
But it’s all just meaningless. I still haven’t managed to land a single date, I still feel like a fake dude trying things I don’t want to do and I don’t enjoy how I look anymore.
Maybe I was balding, but I still liked having the hair I had. I look in the mirror and still don’t recognize myself. Yea my clothes used to be wrinkled more often and the shirt hem was a bit too long, but I liked not having to iron, I liked not having to panic and worry when my $200 shirt got something spilled on it.
I’m just tired man. Therapist says everything is fine and I just need to keep trying, stay on the anti-depressants but at this point I’d rather quit everything and live in a cave.
How? Where? Do I give up?
Where are we meeting people? I’m getting so sick of apps. But I fear they’re the only way. I know what I want to meet but I just can’t find it and I wonder if meeting organically is more likely to show him. But I don’t know where to go… I live in London and it’s hard to meet anyone, romantically or friendship wise… I know i should get out, do some activities to meet people but… what!?
My mum called today to ask if I’d want to go away with extended family for a few days early next year and I just broke down at the thought of planning a fun trip without him. What’s up with that? My brain is protesting over me potentially doing something fun in the future.
I’m taking a break from the apps; giving up on dating a little. I’ve at least a lot going on non-dating wise the next two months. See everyone in January if I decide to come back to the apps.
[deleted]
Busier than ever so if history proves, this is about the time the love of my life should show up but we won’t be able to take it anywhere
When the men I date get progressively worse (the last one assaulted me), what can I do to attract better men than the kinds I currently seem to attract? Anyone with advice or similar issue?
I’m back with the no contact check in post! <3 So happy this has been resonating well with everyone here. Post what you want to say to them here instead, share your tips or experiences with breaks/no contact, etc.
**The good:** Anxious attached on day 7 here. Wow, I’ve made it a whole week already! I remember being on day 2 like… “maybe I can just check in after a week”. And now I’m holding strong. Need to remember the small achievements in these times.
**The bad:** Mornings are decidedly the worst time for me for sure. Waking up craving someone who treated you poorly is truly a head fuck. Still re-reading our last messages, still feeling the way we would hold each other so tenderly, still looking around my apartment (since we were *always* here) just remembering how nice that company felt. Missing the daily good morning texts and little check-ins about our days. I think today is the first time I’ve let myself cry about all of this. The lost potential hurts so bad.
**The ugly:** Having the empathy for another to hope that the reflection period they had continually been mentioning, but were genuinely to busy to have until now, is going as they need for their mental health. Still hoping when they’re back from their 3 week trip that they will reach out, but knowing because of the holidays it probably won’t be until December. Acknowledging the fact they may potentially be too cowardice to ever reach out again if I don’t say something first, even if there was a loose agreement to a future discussion. But everyone I speak with says HE needs to be the one to come back after his trips and reflection and to give the space until then.
Does anyone else struggle with staying in gray areas/leaving doors open? It’s something my therapist has pointed out and I’m trying to be better about it.
About a month back someone I had been seeing for a month had ended things, feeling pressure about expectations (even though I wasn’t really asking/saying anything unreasonable, but that’s a different story), but kind of left things open ended saying she’d take some time/space to think about continuing and slowing things down.
Since then she’s reached out a couple of times, has been viewing/liking my insta stories. Within the last week or so we chatted briefly, very surface level/friendly stuff, which is cool and fine, but I think it’s set me back a little in terms of moving on. Which kind of sucks, I’m continuing to date and I’m in the early stages of seeing some cool people that I’m excited about and don’t want the hope of things rekindling to distract me from that.
On one hand, most of my mind had accepted things were definitively over, I have to come to the conclusion that despite the connection she just really wasn’t that into me. But there’s some small part of me that still has hope. And it’s more familiar and comforting to me to have that cognitive dissonance, like Schrodinger’s “it’s joever/we’re so back”.
But I do kind of hate that part of me, I know I should give myself grace for having normal human feelings, but that hopeful side feels so weak and pathetic y’know? Clinging on to the hope of having something with someone who wasn’t sure about me in the first place is some real wounded child type shi.
I know I should probably definitively ask where things stand, but the pathetic part of me is whispering in my ear like Grima Wormtongue “no no my lord, you shouldn’t push things, she should be the one to revisit the conversation since she ended things, if she just sees what a chill dude you are it’ll fix everything”
And to think this time last year when I was starting therapy I was like “man I don’t have traumas, I’m not convinced about this therapy thing” lmao
I need some potentially unique advice: I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now, we decided to see each other exclusively about a month ago but not fully define it as a relationship; that was just the decision to focus on only dating each other. I had had a handful of first dates, they had actually gotten off the apps at that point and had not been seeing anyone so that felt great. I see them around once a week and the time I spend with them is just…SO wonderful. We typically get together at one of our places for a few hours, watch a movie, play a board game. When I’m with them, the world around me and my anxiety just melts away and I’m so present and happy and calm.
Now for some more context – I am divorced and am fully rebuilding my social circle because all of my close friends have moved away and my social circle was tied to my ex. I’ve realized that some of my feelings are tied into closeness with someone, but at the same time the romantic feelings are really, really strong. I’m crazy about this person.
When I’m with them, I just want to gush about how good they make me feel, how centered they make me feel. Really, I just want to dump my feelings and tell them just how how amazing they make me feel and how much I’m falling for them.
With that in mind, I’m coming to understand that’s too much at this point; they are clearly into me and let me know that in their own little ways. I’ve found that when I tell people them or even start to journal about them, I become incredibly emotional speaking or writing those feelings into existence.
So I guess the advice I need is this: does anyone have any specific ways to get feelings out for someone in a healthy way that is not dumping all those feelings at once? Is it journaling? I am in therapy too and tell my therapist about this person.
Really, I need to get these feelings out in a way that is not overwhelming to this person and does not ruin the comfortable speed we’re going.
Guess my evil ex is just going to haunt my dreams forever cool. I can hear her witchy cackle at the notion she’s still rattling around in my brain.
Looking for advice:
I (30F) was seeing someone (36M) for about a month. We had met at a yoga retreat and started texting daily, video calling and went on two dates. Initially I had found him super sweet, attentive and caring but soon I started feeling that he somehow enjoyed having the upper hand/more control in determining the pace. Then I noticed that he wasn’t intellectually curious about me and subtly presented himself superior to me in that arena. Later, he started commenting negatively about the way I talked about situations and people – also the way I used humour… I tried to talk to him about it and even justify myself (which I’m honestly mad about – like why did I do that!) This felt like a proof of his perceived superiority so I ended it. But I still keep thinking if there was a way to solve it. Anyone has any advice? Or has been through a similar “superiority” dynamic?
I’d be interested to know people’s thoughts on the support through things earlier in a relationship. We’ve been dating exclusively about 6 months, in a defined relationship for just over 3 months. I have an outpatient surgery in 2 weeks that he is aware of. He has not offered up or asked about whether I’d need or like help with a ride, or any post op needs.
I realize that in relationships you really need to explicitly ask for everything you want and can’t assume the other person would operate the same as you in a given situation. But all of my friends, family, even my regular bartender, have asked if I’d need any help and offered rides, food, etc. So I’m grateful I have a strong community of support HOWEVER my feelings are hurt that his responses to hearing about the procedure have not illcited any offers to help from the one person I’m actually in a romantic relationship with.
Is my frustration around this reasonable or is this a case where the expectation should be that I ask for the help? I was raised very independent and have only recently been trying to get more comfortable expressing when I need help (which is why it’s great my friends are all very proactive about offering), so sometimes these types of conflicts or communications in relationships are more difficult for me than I’d like.
Saw myself on video yesterday and my confidence has been shattered lol.
I (38 F) have a second date with Engineer (32 M) tonight. I thought I was getting ghosted as I didn’t hear from him the day after the date to arrange a second date despite exchanging phone numbers and goodnight texts. He started texting in earnest around lunch time yesterday to ask me out for dinner Friday night. I accepted and he’s taking me to a swanky little restaurant and bar area of the city.
Guitarist (44 M) keeps texting and hinting at coming over to my place and seeing each other randomly during the day. We already have a walk & coffee date set for Sunday but he has consistently hinted at seeing each other in the afternoon when we both have free time (neither of us work traditional 9-5 jobs). I like my solo time in the afternoon so the fact that he keeps trying to hijack my day with no notice is starting to irritate me. He also tried to invite himself over to my place last night to watch a movie but I shut it down. He has reigned in the neediness somewhat but the fact that he is texting every day and trying to spend the afternoon together daily is a bit concerning. I feel like if I agreed even once he would want to spend every afternoon together when we aren’t at work, which would be suffocating for me as I would like to retain some independence in a relationship and have some solo time to decompress from my high stress job. All of this is reinforcing that maybe I should end things. I’m an anxious attachment style, so it’s not like feeling smothered is coming from an avoidant attachment style. He just wants to mesh lives way too fast after just a handful of dates. He also wants to lock me down for next weekend (my birthday weekend) and wants to cook for me on Saturday. I know what that means – but my attraction for him right now is so low I don’t know if I want to have sex with him. I will go ahead with the Sunday date this weekend but I think I might end it after that. As an anxious attachment style person, I have to wonder if this is what it was like to date me in the past before I went to therapy and worked on myself.
I have another first date Saturday night with Film Buff (37 M), who has been communicative and attentive so I’m curious as to how that will translate to an in person date. We’re going to a dessert cafe in the city. I’m feeling a bit tired from all the social activity so I will stop swiping for now. I also have that dinner with Journalist (39 M) set for next Friday that I’m really looking forward to. The odd man from Monday night is clearly ghosting me but I wasn’t interested so I don’t mind.
PSA: A hammock feels somewhat like a hug.
Had my first day at my new job. I already like it better here. Found out one of my coworkers is only a few houses down from me. Potential new friend!
Also met a really cute lady on my break that works in a different department. From the brief chat we had, I can tell we have some interests in common. I hope I get the chance to talk to her again.
Goodnight texts- When did you start to regularly text goodnight? We’ve been dating exclusively a few weeks. I really like them but he doesn’t seem to.
Sometimes I take a step back and appreciate what I have going on. Comparatively to someone I used to live with, she is a borderline alcoholic who had her new car repo’d because she couldn’t afford it after getting into an accident with her last one.
She was dating another roommate of mine at the time and they broke up so she immediately dated this guy she had a thing with before. She now lives with him and she depends on him for rides. I do not envy that lifestyle at all and I appreciate that even tho I’m going through health stuff, I have my assets and all.
What’s something nice I can do or get for a guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks that is currently at a funeral for a friend? I don’t want to go all out but want to be thoughtful
Currently just talking to people on apps. I feel like I have a lot of chemistry with one guy but it feels like as soon as I got interested, he doesn’t message me as much. I’m carrying the conversation and it’s really annoying.
I was texting a girl I really liked and was texting back-and-forth until she ghosted me. It’s a shame this has become normal..
Just venting, it’s really hard to keep my chin up right now. I was single for 29 years, then got into a relationship that felt like everything I’d ever dreamed of. It fell apart in an awful way, and now 2 months post-breakup I feel like I’m all the way back at square one. Maybe even square negative one. Ugh.
I was dating a guy for a couple months and he was starting to make “jokes”about my clothes, hair, etc. Last weekend, we were going out to dinner and made a “joke” about the color of my purse (????). Asked him why he felt the need to make fun of me and that it’s rude. He said “that’s what guys do”…I told him that’s what little boys do and that we’re done. 🙂
We’re both in our late 30s… I’m too old for that immature nonsense.
Also, super liberal in the South… might just quit dating and become a cat lady.
I have a thing about first names. I won’t date a guy because of his first name, but I might be just a tiny bit more predisposed to like him if he has a name I like.
Now the opposite has happened. I matched with a guy and he asked me on a date today. He has the kind of old person name that I hate. Think Eustace or St John, or whatever ugly names are least popular in English. He seems like a great guy though. I really want to like him. But if we end up dating on a long term basis, Im so going to give him a cute nickname so I never have to say his name lol.
E – no hate to the Eustaces and St Johns out there, of course. (I felt like I needed to clarify, because of the downvotes.)
You know, my intuition is never wrong. Another “let’s just be friends” text. I knew something had shifted after last night. I was really excited about this one, too. This one stings.
Edit: And I already joined her meetup group and committed to going this weekend. Fml.
I came across a video on Facebook of this guy going through spinal recovery and his girlfriend supporting him. Staying with him at the hospital and stuff. I wish I had that. It almost annoyed me that it had gone viral. I have the support of my family, but when it comes to home life, I have to be independent. And there’s a lot of value in that. But it does get lonely and even though I have two roommates, it’s not like they care much about what I’m going through 🙁 sorry this is a little negative
We broke up a few weeks ago after just short of 1 year of dating. Overall it was mostly a great relationship that I decided I had to walk away from.
He was divorced and I’ve since learnt he hadn’t healed from it and carried huge commitment issues. The signs were not clear and he hid them well. Why can’t people just be honest with themselves. They tell you and show you the right things but when push comes to shove and things get serious, they freak out and back away.
How do people gauge others capacity? Can it be understood early on or can it only be learnt through experience?
Cleaned out all my hinge matches and likes a week ago, most of them left over from when I lived across the state in a city last year. I came across one match whose profile had me like, woah, how did 2024 me let this fizzle out, and sent her a message on the off chance… Well, fast forward through probably the most engaging conversation I’ve had on the app and she wants to meet up. Pretty exciting, but she’s in a town 5 hours away, and a death in my family suddenly has my free/travel time tied up. Hoping she’s interested enough to keep the door open. This shit is never straightforward.
Need to confirm, but have a date planned for tonight. The guy’s name is SO common I cannot find anything online about him. No socials, no ability to really search the court records website I use (judyrecords.com). No linkedin or anything. And his phone number pulls up nothing.
Plus, I met him at a bar. At the end of night of barhopping so I was pretty damn drunk. I don’t remember exactly what he looks like :/ Just remember that at first seeing him wasn’t into it, but he kinda grew on me during drunk convo.
Cross your fingers for me that the beer goggles weren’t too strong and sober me isn’t turned off by his appearance, and that he’s a safe person.
Edit: Also *if* it goes well, those of you who’ve been on dates from irl meets – at what point do you ask about dating intentions?
Edit again: oh dear, based on something he’s said I wonder if he reads here… might have to make a throwaway if reddit still allows.
I reached out to the woman I went on 2 dates with and then had to end things because I got serious with someone else a few months ago.
Got a reply:
“Hey! Thanks for reaching out, nice to see your name pop up!
I actually started seeing someone, so I won’t take you up on that at this time. But I’ll let you know if anything changes though”
Wished her good luck with it and she hearted it.
Kinda sitting in the back of my head right now with how it’s phrased. What’s your take?
I am a mess from anxiety.
The US guy has been incredibly supportive this entire time even when I told him last minute not to come last week (because the blowup with M had me retching). He’s making another attempt to meet in person this weekend, I am not sure it’s a good idea. What if he thinks I’m a psycho too. Or finds me unattractive in person and loses interest. I like what we have now, I can talk to him about anything and it’s easy and nonjudgemental.
Anyone else in their romantic era of “I like you, but can we do this on Saturday at 19:45 after I decompress from life?
Guy# 1 from 4DX date texted me to tell me he had a dream about me. He said his texting fell off because he worked an extra shift.
Can I poll the audience?
Reply with #8675309 if you think I ought to give him more time.
I don’t want to be doom and gloom, but it’s hard to look around and see how terrible dating has gotten and not think that things aren’t gonna get better.
The guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months did something yesterday that was nicer than my ex did like ever. We were walking and I was chewing gum (which I only rarely do because I have TMJ) and there wasn’t a trash can around and I was like “I really need to spit this gum out but I don’t wanna do it on the ground and someone step on it” and he just held out his hand and told me he’d put my chewed gum in his pocket. And he did. And we kept walking and I was amazed that he wasn’t like “why were you chewing gum if you knew it would hurt your jaw” or “you should’ve spit it out earlier.”
Question for women- does it look weird for a 33 year old guy to post a photo of himself on Instagram with no caption? Not a selfie but just a regular outdoor photo someone took of me. And with not that many followers. Would it look better as a story?
Spent last weekend camping in the mountains (hiking up to a glacier in Olympic) with some of my favorite guys in the world, and got a nice new top Hinge photo for when I reactive my profile. I’m submitting my dissertation in about 48 hours and my defense is coming up soon. I have one job offer (not a Plan A job but it will pay the bills and be a good stepping stone toward whatever is next), and am still waiting to hear results from another interview that went well last week. A friend is coming to stay with me for a week after the defense. Things are really looking up!
I’ve spent so much of this Fall feeling unconfident and like I’m just not what people are looking for on the dating market, and I still have real worries about whether I’m offering enough to attract the kind of person I want. But based on how well things have been going lately, I think I’m on track to start the new year in a much more confident place.
I’m so tired of travel prompts. They’re so boring.
I should have known it was too good to be true. I had met a girl a while ago and everything was going pretty well, good chemistry, conversation, humor etc…We really enjoyed each other company. But the timing was not right for her, she was not ready for a new relationship so soon and had a lot on her plate because of her PhD ending soon.
A shame but at least she was upfront about it. Back to the apps…