Hello, Sweet people on this sub 😉
Sorry for my english, if there are errors! English is not my mother tongue 🙂 But please cut some slack on me 😂
I am a guy whose girlfriend is a foreigner, We are living in different continents atm. such an extreme LDR with 7h of time-difference.
We had been great in the early phase of our relationship. She studied in my country for exchange BA program and we hit it off. But at the same time we were tryna be as prudent as we could before jumping into a OBVIOUSLY EXTREME LDR. so we spoked on the phone/Facetime regularly and got to know each other over the 3 months before i visited her country and stayed with her for few months. Then we officially started relationship like 2y and few months ago. She's absolutely gorgeous woman. trust me objectively she's super pretty.
So long story short, She has quite severe anxious attachment style, anger issue, childhood trauma where her parents constantly fought in an extreme way(shouting, physical confrontation, etc). So when she needs something from me or brings something up, she often raises her voice immediately and shows me she's upset and i don't appreciate her tone at all. I've told her about this issue so many times throughout our relationship. She's said she'd change and go see therapist, which she's been doing actually. But same issue circles back to where it was. she gets upset and i handle it poorly.
My problem is, i also know i am not perfect human being and i am not a Narcissist, that i am not very capable of calming her down and showing her empathy when things are getting tough enough. So after few attempts to calm her down and tell her to talk to me nicely, i also quite often lose temper. And this results in a bigger fight. Usually, when she's bring something outside of the relationship and needs support and empathy, i have no problem with that and i totally reckon that i ought to be there for her. But this situation hits me differently. And sometimes this leads me to hating myself and having self-doubt as to "my empathy level", ending up seeing my self a piece of shit bf type of person. She's also feeling unhappy about this situation.
Second, i don't feel respected in the relationship as a man. When i studied abroad for 1 semester early of this year 2025, she visited me few times since it was relatively much closer from her country. But i also was very stressed about getting a good grade(i got scholarship on a condition that i gotta pass certain level of grade otherwise the scholarship might be taken away from me). So one day, in one of 10 days during which she was visiting me, i told her that after this short day-trip(we were on a way to another city to meet our mutual friends), i really should study another 1-2 days fully and then tmrw evening i wanna grab a pint of beer with my friend just for a quick chitchat time after enormous amount i'd put in study. She immediately got quite angry/disappointed and said she's visiting me right now and you are leaving me alone here?(she seemed really disappointed) That actually was super disappointing to me. I thought partners should always get what you've plan for your life going well and support them. but i eventually kinda forgave her. HOWEVER, when i told her that i would love to study abroad for my Master degree and she immediately opens the concern about our relationship rather than supporting my plan and being curious bout it. Of course, i tried to reassure her because i also care our relationship and knew that our LDR would become longer. But yeah i guess that was the point where i thought there's no growth in this relationship.
The bigger problem is, i see that we have major sexual incompatibility, LIKE HUGEE. i am a guy with normal level libidos. but she barely thinks about sexual stuffs. She doesn't even pleasure herself normally. I've brought this up several times to address it with her. She's said she'd initiate more so that i can feel wanted and desirable. and during our LDR, we implemented mutual masturbation through screens. At first, it was good. however, it's dying anyways. Nowadays she even says she didn't even think about it. But her reason not to anticipate our sex life is because she doesn't feel emotionally safe and connected with me. I told her i find it unfair since i have told you so many times that if you keep starting a conversation with that tone which is super detrimental, We will end up having really toxic relationship. Yeah i foresaw. She keeps doing that and i handle them poorly and now we are hitting a dead end. And i really don't understand her logic.
Plus, we have different tendencies in the bed. i am more adventurous and curious enough to try something new whereas she just want super vanilla, nothing kinky nor something that might spice it up. i can't say anything bout that as i can't force her to do something she doesn't feel comfortable with. I carefully suggested some spicy things, e.g. Sending each other spicy pics, Butt plugs. No she doesn't want them. And whenever we have sex, she becomes so passive. She just lays down and i have to do everything. She often says "oh this position is too challenging, my legs are tired, my arms are tired(These are the biggest TURN OFF to me)….. Yeah i can't still do anything. I asked her to initiate first from time to time, give me heads, do more foreplay for me(which i do for her A LOT). But none of them actually meets my expectation and need. i am tired of begging her to be spicier. i don't think i can continue sexually exclusive relationship without satisfying sex life with my partner. But i want y'all know that I know i am definitely to blame, to some extent, because i did some mistakes(But not cheating, Physical abuse, Fraud, etc) that might let her down quite hard.
But it all comes down to, i am seeing myself a totally A**h*le to consider break-up due to "incompatibilities". Every relationship has up-down and bumpy roads ahead. I dread the idea "i might not have been giving your 100% best in your relationship" down the road. i feel unfair about this "sexual incompatibility due to the dynamic in our relationship according to her logic". i am not happy even though her appearance is our of scale. I don't know if i could meet this beautiful woman like her ever again in my life. I guess this keeps me from being determined.
I don't know. i just wanna get some fresh perspectives from people. If the break up is legit, then why? vice versa. Please help me, my stress level is so high my body is aching nowadays.
Tl;dr – Have been in the relationship over 2years. We have major incompatibilities in various areas of our relationship, especially sexual incompatibility. But she claims that she has normal libidos but she doesn't want it because she doesn't feel safe. I don't agree with this and i feel unfair. I need some fresh perspective in order to decide whether to give it another go or just cut the cord.
Thank you for reading super long story 🙂