Hey brothers,
I’m 36, and right now I’m working as a nurse. For most of my life, I’ve felt like I’ve been in survival mode — just pushing through, never really feeling calm or grounded.
I grew up as the eldest of four, with a mother who was doing everything she could to keep us afloat. My father was mostly absent — emotionally and physically — and when he did show up, it often brought more chaos than peace. So I grew up around women, trying to make sense of life through a mother’s and sisters’ perspective, but without a male role model to teach me how to navigate the world as a man.
That shaped everything. I learned to survive, not to build. I became overly responsible, but inside I always felt uncertain and disconnected.
When I was younger, I dreamed of becoming a doctor here in Canada. I completed my undergrad in Biology, didn’t get into med school, and went to pharmacy school in the U.S. I was under a lot of financial pressure, and my sister was diagnosed with cancer during that time. Between stress, isolation, and burnout, I fell behind and was dismissed from the program. I came back home with $150K in debt and a lot of shame.
I didn’t quit, though. I went back to school for nursing, graduated during COVID, and started travel nursing to pay off the debt. Alhamdulillah, I paid it all off and saved about $100K. But the truth is, I’m still tired and emotionally drained. My nervous system feels stuck in survival mode, like I’ve never had a real chance to rest.
Now I’m trying to rebuild — emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I want to transition into something outside bedside nursing, like pharma or medical device work. But deeper than that, I want to become a grounded man — one who can lead a family, build peace, and not live in fear of collapsing again.
Honestly, I’m scared sometimes. I look at people my age with families and stability, and I feel behind. But I’m also proud that I’ve survived all this. I just want to learn how to live, not just endure.
For the men who’ve started over in their 30s or 40s — especially those who grew up without fathers — how did you rebuild your confidence, purpose, and structure? What helped you move from chaos to calm, from reacting to leading?
Appreciate any advice, brothers.
18 comments
I found my wife (or she found me) around the same age you are now. You and I had very different upbringings, so I won’t try to put myself in your shoes but you sound miles ahead of where I was at that time. Devote your time to what you love and continue on your path, it sounds like you are doing a great job and are a great person. Having my child closer to 40 has really changed my life. I live in constant fear that my life could collapse but having a family to support has given me more drive and purpose than I could have ever thought possible. Keep up the good work brother and I hope all works out for you.
I’m 32M and I really related to a lot of this man. Like you I was thrust into a situation where too much responsibility was placed on my shoulders and spent my 20s trying to “live” and struggling with a constant looming feeling of disconnect.
I think somatic body experiencing was a huge game changer for me. Started it over a year ago and it’s helped me to process these old feelings born out of trying to survive an awful situation. Outside of this I try and be the father to myself, that I wish my own father could have been; he was physically around but emotionally, barely there for himself, never mind anyone else.
These small acts of self compassion and kindness(even for something ‘small’, like making a simple mistake at work) versus beating myself up as I’ve historically done have helped to counteract the numbness and disconnect. It is painful initially, but as time has gone on, I’m more in touch with myself than I’ve ever been.
Essentially I feel like I’m coming home to myself 🙂 I am sure you’ll find your own version of this, hope this helps!
Kinda similar as far as upbringing, but probably a little worse than yours.
Def same thing with survival mode. I am sure it stems from high intelligence and the fact we had no Dad. Many will play victim and let it dictate their life, we did not and we went into survival mode learning how to navigate this world and try to keep our heads above water.
I am married, 3 kids, great career, but everyday I feel I am surviving and I need to be planning or looking at how I can stay ahead.. It is not a bad thing, but it can be because you don’t ever take time to rest, seek guidance if you are a believer, and just know you are OK.
I am sure it is a lot of emotional baggage, but I know I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety as a kid in elementary school and I have learned how to manage and cope throughout the years. So with many, many cards stacked against me I managed to get where I am at.. Thanks to God because if it was me alone, I would be a negative statistic.
Edit: To answer your Q – It took time. Still struggle with it all if I am being honest.. I am just older, wiser and know more about myself and what I need to help myself. Wish there was an answer that fit us all
Adulthood is insanely hard to endure. Everyone is warped by their third decade, and we only progress from there.
If I see anything that I could speak to, it’s that your desire for attaining that confidence, that controlling calm, and leading personality that will get you there, eventually.
In the majority of people around you, at your age, are poeple who’ve already “figured themselves out” and tolerance for their presence is measured in seconds, if possible, and minutes, when good manners suggest a little of your auditory suffering will be good for the soul.
I’m a leader of myself and myself only. I seek no followers, no audience; I’ve let them down too often to regard their presence as positive.
I think leaders walk alone, and powerfully so, because they understand that they’re alone among all of the others in their life, and have already found their peace with it.
But, I also did not rebuild myself, either. Those opportunities failed, would never have succeeded, or I was too inept and lazy to spin the gold from the straw.
Too err is human. There is no easy way out from this reality. Everyone has to die eventually. Hug the people you love as often as you can.
Ugh. Been there fella.
This is your damn life. You own it. You make the rules. So give yourself permission to do the things you need to do. You’ll fuck up sure but common sense will get you through.
Learn who you are and how to love that person and then be unapologetically that with no regrets. I’m still working on it.
Best
I’ve been there…..take your time, seek out and embrace good things as they come, make peace with the past, and the future will figure itself out.
Just by expressing the desire to build something, your streets ahead of the guys who embrace their bitterness and wallow in it. You’ll be OK.
You’ve carried a lot and still kept going. That’s real strength. Many guys hit their 30s and realize they’ve been surviving, not living. Taking time to rebuild mentally and physically is the hard but right move. Therapy is a great way to work through this with an unbiased party, but there are so many ways to work on that processing. You’re not behind. You’re healing. Keep going.
First: I am so proud of you for prevailing. You did amazingly well given the circumstances.
The most liberating thing I’ve gained when I had to start over was, that I learned to stop to compare myself to others and stopped overvaluing other people’s opinion.
It’s so simple, but it’s radical, and you have to be radical about it. Don’t even entertain ideas “but he is only 32 and he already”. Don’t do it. Absolutely useless.
As long as you have a safe, loving home that you carved out for yourself (which sounds like you have), just make that your home base from which you venture out. If you gain something from an “excursion”, great, if not, you still have your home base. (Also, the home base is not necessarily a physical location. Could just be an emotional baseline)
How’s your exercise routines? Are they consistent?
Exercise helped me “reconfigure and reset” my nervous system, even to the point of my CPTSD disappearing. I’m talking about daily intense exercise, when you’re out of breath and sweating.
Once your symptoms of having a dysregulated nervous system, maybe you can tone it down, but I’d say keep going at it for as long as you can in a healthy and balance way.
You also have to instill beliefs such as
1. I am worthy
2. I am safe and supported
3. I am empowered
etc.
Deep breathing, getting away from the digital, being in nature, making friends w/ genuine people
Take a vacation somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and relax
You’re a fixer and a care-taker, that’s pretty obvious and it’s your upbringing and survival through trauma that shaped you. That’s a trait not many have and you should be proud of it. You’re also reaching out to a community for support which is a big, difficult step.
As far as advice, I feel like I’m in a similar boat. I have a lot of trauma from early childhood which left me always looking at now, not my future. In fact for most of my life I didn’t plan for a future because I didn’t know how long I’d have. But therapy has helped a lot, I’m working with someone doing somatic and IFS therapy which I’d recommend you look into.
Don’t compare yourself to others, be happy for your survival. Start a gratitude journal.
Burnout is real – find something you enjoy as a hobby and use that to relieve stress.
Consider therapy- IFS helped me and CBT.
For me, resolving my trauma and learning how to be ok with stillness and quiet is really what reset my nervous system and grounded me into becoming exactly what you’re looking for.
But that shit didn’t just happen over night it’s a combination of things all working cohesively. And the times I failed, I had to learn to love myself more before I could love others better.
Therapy > mindfulness > meditation > gym > work life balance > kids > wife > love > medication for adhd > etc. it all plays a part.
Take each day as it comes, but plan for the future. Don’t worry too much about it.
Start with small goals and celebrate every win.
You need to get that trauma out of your system. Somatic experiencing all day. If you can make your way to Sri Lanka, you can stay for free at a monastery and rest your nerves, finding some clarity on what to do next.
A man who has been broken and rebuilt himself is much stronger than a man who’s never been tested
Gym, diet, sobriety, sleep quality for physical and mental health. Journaling and reading books for emotional growth and maturity.
It’s nothing fancy, but it’s honest work. I need structure and routine in my life or else I just wander aimlessly.
Similar situation growing up. Raised by mother and sister. Men weren’t around for a reason.
Few things that help.
1. Left hometown. Wasn’t happy there.
2. Met someone nice.
3. Hobbies. Mostly nerd stuff.
4. Great outdoors. Exercise plus swimming.
5. Didn’t develop any addictions. Booze, drugs, porn.
6. Get a 🐈 Little blighters are cool.
7. Learnt to cook better stuff. Wife likes my food. I like making it.
Dont worry about being a good “man” worry about being a good person. Treat people with respect, stand up for the venerable and act with integrity. The rest will find its place. You can drive yourself crazy trying to chase “manliness” But thats all just advertising.