TL;DR:
I told my gf I wanted to break up even though I didn’t mean it. She replied saying she hopes I find someone who can love me the way I deserve, and finally opened up about the weak side of her that I’ve always wanted to know. That made me want to stay even more, but now I don’t know if we should let go or keep holding on.
Me (F20) and my gf (F20) just had a deep conversation through text at 4am. I was at my lowest when I texted her asking to break up because she hardly texted me, even though I knew she had just logged out of her online game and was about to sleep. Deep down, I didn’t mean to say that. But I know I’ve been hurting multiple times. I said I didn’t mean it because I love her so deeply that I can’t lose her.
We’ve been together for 4 months now and we’re in an LDR. We met and fell for each other so fast, but I know it was genuine love.
She’s the kind of person who shuts down when she’s stressed. Not good with words. And I’m the kind of person who shows everything I feel.
So this morning, after I explained to her how her actions hurt me, I asked what my worth was to her. I told her I wanted to know the vulnerable side of her that I never got to see. Then she replied with such deep words, saying she hopes I find someone who can love me the way I deserve. She blamed everything on herself, saying she deserves to be alone and doesn’t want to hold me back or hurt me anymore.
But the thing is — after finally hearing that side of her I’ve always wanted to know, I couldn’t leave. It made me want to stay even more. So I begged her to let me stay. But she said she doesn’t want to chase someone who’s already walking away. She said part of her wanted me to stay too, but reminded me that this was the third time I’d asked for a breakup.
She told me she didn’t call me much because she didn’t want to disturb my rest at night. But honestly, her silence made me overthink — I thought maybe my presence annoyed her. Maybe we both misunderstood each other. Silence really hurts.
I feel like we both love each other, but we have different ways of loving and coping with stress. I always try to talk about how I feel right away, and she stays quiet when she’s sad or overwhelmed. Her way of shutting down hurts me because she just goes silent after saying “nevermind” or “nothing.” I understand she needs space, but I just wish she would tell me she needed it instead of disappearing emotionally.
Yes, I know I sound dumb for asking to break up and then suddenly begging to stay. But that’s how love makes you — confused and scared to lose what feels real. It’s 6am now, she’s probably asleep, and I’m still here questioning everything.
8 comments
Tbh I don’t know if you’re in the proper place for a relationship. You need to work on yourself. Love shouldn’t make you *that* confused.
Only thing you can really do is just tell her that you actually don’t want to break up, explain where your head was at, and how you’re feeling about things. Then allow her time to think it through, so she doesn’t have to respond in that moment and doesn’t struggle with it. After that, you’ll just have to see where things are and navigate the situation from there.
“Yes, I know I sound dumb for asking to break up and then suddenly begging to stay. But that’s how love makes you — confused and scared to lose what feels real. “
No, love doesn’t make you so dumb that you ask for what you don’t want, say things constantly that you don’t mean or immediately walk back.
And if you were scared to lose her you wouldn’t ask to break up constantly.
Sounds like you are not very self aware about your own feelings and your actions. Sounds like you’re pretty impulsive and reactive. Also sounds like you are an anxiously attached person. LDR’s can be hard if that’s the case.
I’d suggest therapy and figuring out your own emotional health and what you want and need in a relationship — instead of wasting your time creating unnecessarily dramatic relationships (where you never even see each other!) at 20 years old.
By the way, no one “falls in love with someone” immediately. That immediacy is chemistry, lust, emotional connection, limerence, attraction, passion. And I’m not saying those things aren’t real.
However, real love might start with that, but it’s also a mutually supportive and caring relationship that you tend to and grow. It’s a safe space.
From an outsider perspective, you haven’t spent enough time together to truly have that kind of true love relationship yet. And this relationship is clearly not an emotional safe space for you or her.
Asking to break up three times in four months means that you’re either too immature to be in a serious relationship or that you’re in a relationship with the wrong person. I’m leaning toward option one.
Do some work on yourself before getting into another relationship, especially your communication skills. When things get difficult, your go-to move should NOT be asking to break up.
Look, you need to be real. It’s 4 months in. It is long distance. You two have opposing ways of handling emotions, ones that specifically trigger the other. She’s made clear the scope of her dysfunction and I think how you handled this conversation suggests you need time to go and reflect as well. You are quick to call all of this love but it’s pretty clear that it is not nearly that straightforward.
The other concern I have is that you are teaching yourself that the threat of a breakup can be a powerful tool in getting people to open up. But be aware: using breakups like that, it’s emotional manipulation especially where you do it consciously. If it becomes a pattern it’ll just be abuse. Don’t teach yourself to threaten hollow breakups like this, it’ll make you a terrible partner.
So yeah, you bring out the bad in each other. I think you need to step back and really reflect on where you’re at.
Nope, don’t go back. Accept the breakup that you initiated.
You weren’t happy and you mentioned it before to her and things didn’t change , so that’s why you felt compelled to do this.
Who can say if anyone is at fault. It could just be that you both are fine in your own style of attachments but you just need to find someone that handles it better
Add to that , that this is long distance which is already hard enough , so if you’re not getting the positive vibes that she’s interested in the relationship the way you need those vibes to be, then you don’t have to keep trying.
So don’t go back.
This is a LOT of drama for 4 months.
Maybe ya’ll need to chill and come back to it when it’s not 4am.
It sounds like she’s handled it right. The problem that you need to “fix” isn’t that your gf is done, it’s that YOU are the sort of person that would say something like this when you don’t mean it. Fix that problem before getting into another relationship.