My FIL (Tom, 62M) emailed me (Sally, 35F) saying he wanted to “clear the air,” but I’m having a hard time finding an apology in it, and it’s left me feeling more upset. He ended by saying he forgives me.
My husband (Johnny, 38M – been married 4.5 years together for 7) thinks his intentions matter more than how it came across, but I just feel judged. Would you reply or leave it alone? What would you do in this situation?
The email in question:
Sally, I’m home sick (again) today so I thought I’d try to clear the air between us. Please keep an open mind and don’t get pissed at something I say half way thru………..please keep reading to the end. First off, you should never doubt my love for you and your children. That is not, nor has ever been in question. Regarding the Saturday of your family golf tournament it is difficult for me to speak to anything that day except what I KNOW since there was apparently a lot of discussion that went on without me, about me, etc. I understand that when we were at the market getting the boys Kelly was informed of your pregnancy and that she asked that I not be told right then. I have heard conflicting accounts from both Johnny and Kelly, but I do not care to get into an argument over who said what because I don’t believe the stories will ever line up. What I will tell you is what I would guess happened, based on what I know of my wife of almost 44 years, is that she knew 1) she would be spending the entire day with me and the boys and 2) she knew how I would react to your pregnancy news based on how I reacted to the news the first time around in July. And to be quite frank, she knew OUR day would be much simpler with me not knowing that information. So in short, that’s how and why I believe that all went. There was a lot that went on that day with constant texts between Johnny and Kelly relative to when we would be delivering the boys back, apparent frustration over details that I didn’t understand (like a deadline to have them back), and Kelly’s general uneasiness. Again, I can tell when she is keeping something from me after 44 years. So as this went on, and once I arrived at the park, and how Johnny was acting, I just had a sinking feeling about what was going on. Hence, when Johnny approached me with this look on his face I just knew and told him I was in no mood to discuss and we left. Trust me, when I’m pissed or disappointed it’s best to withdraw than to charge forward as I would have likely done in years past. So to put it simply, that was the best I could do at the moment, for everyone. From then and the following days what I was hearing was that you were pissed, primarily because about how you were unable to reveal this news on social media because of me. And then all communication pretty much shut down. But you rolled out the news on social media a few days later so not sure what I did to cause so much harm to you as I figured it was all good then, news out and the feelings would subside, but apparently I was wrong. As I told Johnny in July, and this time as well, I’m more sad for the boys in all of this based on how the past year has gone, your current situation, and what I can forsee in the future. You will now be splitting what is already a very small pie 3 ways instead of 2 and life going forward could definitely be worse. I am very practical as you should know by now so my immediate thoughts go to the future…………trying to put 3 car seats in a car, the size of accommodations required for 3 children versus 2, paying for 3 sets of everything instead of 2 like sports dues, college tuition, etc. I really feel this takes away from the 2 children you already have and I am not the type of person that feels like love will take care of everything. I was raised in a very conservative house where my parents didn’t make a lot of money and we didn’t take trips, go out to eat, etc. But they worked hard to send me to boy scout camp, pay for T-ball leagues and such………..but they were paying for 1 not 3 so they were able to pull it off. So those are the types of things that I think of. And I told you and Johnny when this money thing started last year that there is NOTHING that strains a marriage more than money issues and now you have increased that strain by 1/3rd and that scares me. I don’t subscribe to the motto of “we’ll figure it out” because that usually doesn’t work. I’m nearing when I’d like to retire. I’ve worked my ass off since I was 18 and I don’t have a ton to show for it. I can help some but I can’t fund a second family, nor should I be expected to. And I’ve told Johnny before, I really don’t want you all living in some trailer park in Riverton in an unsafe and unhealthy environment, and that’s what scares me to death based on your combined income potential coupled with now increasing expenses when you struggled mightily to handle the expenses you had before. The other thing is that I am a worrier and a fixer. I have always strived to fix things for my kids, and that has probably done them a bit of a disservice. Any time ANY of my children tell me of a problem or issue in their life my mind immediately goes to how can I help fix it and that has become very unhealthy for my mental wellbeing and I recognize that. I don’t want my kids to hide things from me, but I don’t need to know every little thing because it automatically becomes my problem in my mind and to be quite frank, I have enough of my own problems. I lost my mother a short 5 months ago and I have spent considerable time getting her affairs in order that has involved lawyers, accountants, etc and I am just now starting, in my mind to grieve. I didn’t think this would bother me as it has but I think about her more and more these days. That’s not your problem and not an excuse, but it’s just my reality. And as a small business owner, there are daily issues that I am always wrestling with in my mind there as well, again always trying to “fix” what I can. So what it boils down to is that I am both scared and disappointed that you and Johnny are having another child. And when I say disappointed what I mean is in your DECISION to have another child. You dodged a bullet (in my mind) in July and you turn around and do the same thing again almost immediately. You can say it was a mistake but Johnny had a way to eliminate the possibility of any “mistake” but purposely chose to roll the dice. It takes A LOT to raise 2 children both from a time and energy perspective (you must know I’m right on this) as well as financially. I’m sure you are exhausted every hour of the day and night and I just don’t understand how you think it won’t be doubly worse with 3. I just feel that in the long run this will push you all to the brink of I don’t know what. And lastly, I know you won’t like me saying this but I think how this has been handled has been petty. Social media, worrying about someone not liking a post, not sending pictures, etc. You have pushed me to where I will NEVER like anyone’s post on any social media outlet and I’m about a hair away from deleting all social media on my devices. But that’s not fair as these days that’s how I end up getting news that isn’t related to my family and friends too. At this point I have virtually shut down how I enjoy or view any social media or texts. I’m just sad, disgusted, I don’t know what. Again, it’s not all you, Johnny, this situation, etc. It’s just me, mentally right now. I’m sort of emotionally numb and I need to selfishly take better care of myself. I’m sorry I wasn’t just jumping for joy at your news but as I’ve tried my best to explain, that’s not how my brain works. I’m more practical, a worrier, a fixer, and don’t subscribe to the “it will all work out” theory. That’s just me. I’m 62 years old, stubborn, moody, and set in my ways. You are a smart enough girl to have figured all of that out by now. Heck, you and I are probably a little too much alike. At the end of the day, I love you, Johnny, Doug, Brad and however many more kids you choose to have. I will NEVER stop worrying about you all like my almost 96-year-old mother never stopped worrying about me until the day she passed. I’m sure Johnny has shared this with you as I told him the same thing that Mom told me……………I don’t have to agree with or approve of everything you do, but will ALWAYS love you. I’m sure by now you know most of what all Johnny and I have been thru clear back to middle school, high school, and adulthood…………..he’s done some incredibly stupid shit, but you can judge for yourself how strong our relationship is today. Again I’m sure I’ve said something here that will offend you yet again, but only you can decide to move past anything I say or do now or in the future and continue to build upon our relationship. I am proud to call you my daughter-in-law and the mother of my grandchildren. You KNOW deep in your heart I was the first to be “team Sally” when your first became a part of our family and nothing has changed. So please forgive me for whatever you think I’ve done to you and I will do the same. I have put this in writing because I couldn’t say all of this within the context of a conversation as it would likely turn into an argument at some point, I would forget some things in my thoughts that I wanted to get out, etc. The bad thing about putting anything in writing is that you now have the ability to share with your sisters, your parents, etc and say “wow, look what an asshole this guy is, look what he said”, and it will live in infamy. BUT I WOULD PREFER YOU DID NOT if you have any respect for me at all and to please keep this between you and I. I really don’t want this coming back to me and blowing up in my face somehow. My love always, Tom
TL;DR: My FIL sent a long “peace offering” email that mostly criticized our life choices (like having another baby) and called me petty. He ended by saying he forgives me. My husband thinks his intent was good, but I feel judged. Should I respond or ignore it or put down some boundaries and ground rules?