Hello all.
So me and my fiancé have been living in his paternal home for the last 3.5 years . (4 years together). My fiancé is a sailor and leaves for work for about 3 months per years in instances of weeks. We had been planing to build a house mid 2026 and were gathering money.
Last May he told me if I wanted to go to my parents house for a week (during his absence of 2 weeks) cause his mother would come to our house to deep clean and decompress. She usually stays with her partner but occasionally leaves and goes to their vacation home. (My SIL moved in there tho due to no money for rent. MIL figured if it is to stay with a kid of hers might as well be in a place where she wouldn’t pay gold for gas.)Since the house is hers and it would be only for a week I didn’t mind. I packed and went home and told him I would be back when he came back so his mom could stay a little longer to chill. (Full 2 weeks)
My fiancé returns from the trip and when I got to his house my MIL had turned everything upside down. (Switched stuff at cabinets , threw our bath mat in the trash and lastly made my empty wardrobe a godamn storage unit. Mind you the house has a basement.) my fiancé was mad and asked her what this was about and when would she leave.
She said she wasn’t planning to leave but hadn’t told him yet cause he was away. That she didn’t want to live with her partner anymore due to different circumstances and schedules. My fiancé told her fine. Stay we are going on rent. And she went ballistic and said to him that if she is unwelcome she would just leave and that she didn’t want my fiancé to “lose money on rent “ instead of staying there and gathering more money for his apartment. Which left my partner and I at a weird place. At the end the reason for her not wanting to leave was because her work was weird and she hadn’t funds to live by herself(her work hadn’t been paying her and soon she would retire ) so she wanted to live with her son cause he is good financially and is already covering the bills of the house. She would pay for her food till she recovers financially and he would be paying the bills. So I told my fiancé he should cover for her and not to go to rent in order not to bring her in a weird place financially. (Till then I didn’t have any issues with her and she isn’t the type to meddle). She is his mom nevertheless and she had been by my fiancés side (emotionally and financially) till he graduated at 24 years old .
So we continued to live with her. some time later she told my fiancé she didn’t want me staying there when he wasn’t at the house. Around then my fiancé propose to me. (A proposal which she was against due to my difficult situation with my parents. I wasn’t the problem per her. My parents were) my fiancé didn’t care. Proposed anyway.
For context my fiancé isn’t into marriage (I am Christian he is an atheist ) but he saw how happy I was seeing married couples and wedding rings and told me we would marry me cause I really want it and bought me a ring. I was so happy I showed literally everyone but when a friend of ours asked how the proposal go he went white. He claimed it wasn’t that serious and that he bought it for me just cause . We fought again and it ruined my image of it but I said that since we became more serious I should put up with some weird habits of his…
We ended up with “sometime we will marry when the time comes” and me going back and forth at his house and my parents. But later I started to feel unwelcome due to comments of hers (me not doing the dishes properly etc) stuff she only told to my fiancé which he then transferred to me. Infront of me she was an angel. She then got her pension and we figured she would be out of our hair or at least that she would pay a portion of the bills . Nothing like this happened. Instead she started asking for my fiancés card to buy new couch covers and unnecessary stuff and she would occasionally “forget “ about pricy groceries and would ask my fiancé to grab them for her. I stayed silent and left him to figure this out by himself. I see no change in that.
I was mentally exhausted due to work being hard and I didn’t have the motivation to go to his place and be in constant awareness due to his mother presence. So I brought up us going on rent since we could afford it and it wouldn’t change much. (He is already paying for the bills there he would do the same in ours and I would cover the rest). He told me no that he preferred to gather money in his own place. I stayed silent and waited cause he was actively gathering money.
Mid September his father asked us when would the in laws meet together and when we would be building our house. He was definant in both and told him that he wanted to chill and see everything later and live his rich life. his father didn’t press much and when dinner plans with in laws popped in (mine and his parents official “we are serious”meeting ) he would always find excuses in why the in laws shouldn’t meet and why we shouldn’t rent. Either he was exhausted or didn’t have money . (Mind you our mix salary is 5k (4k his 1k mine) per month). A dinner is around 100 bucks. Rent around 500 and utilities around 200. Plenty spare money to save for a dinner and a house on rent .
So I told him I would be paying the diner if that’s the matter and that since we turn this relationship in a more serious one and I have a ring now mine and his parents should meet. He went ballistic and told me I was pressuring him into moving out and getting married with no house or the funds for it. I told him our funds are more than enough and he is just being
difficult and making excuses. That the in laws meeting themselves is just a step towards something more serious. I didnt asked for a pricy marriage or anything . I didn’t even want to build a house cause I would be inheriting 3 apartments . He wanted something of his own and he told me that if I wanted I could help with the furniture but not the loan cause we didn’t want both our bank scores in debt . I agreed only if the house was full his (100%). It doesn’t seem fare to me to have a percentage when I don’t put money in something ..
On my birthday he told me he was sorry he didn’t get me a present cause money was tough and he would buy me dinner. I didn’t mind and told him a cheap dinner is fine as long as we pass the day together.
Last Monday I saw a new brand console (around 800 euros) in his desk and I asked him why he bought a console when he already has a pc , ps4, switch and a identical console (more older than the new one). He said he wanted to spoil himself and I got mad. The previous month he had already wasted 250 bucks on warhammer with the same excuse. And before that he had wasted 600 bucks to fix some minor scratches in his brand new car. I didn’t even get a pair of socks for my birthday … I told him that he is supposed to save for a house and not do stupid expenses as I do and that he states that we don’t go to rent due to money and I keep living with his mother due to that. He got defensive and said I am snooping in his pocket. I didn’t have the power to argue anymore. I Told him he is immature and I want a serious man beside me. that he proposed and the in laws haven’t even met due to money and he is spending money on trinkets. Left both my ring and keys in his desk packed my things and left. Gave him till our anniversary to straighten his thoughts and decides If we are serious or not . He pointed that he was serious . I left him without a response and closed the door behind me.
Yesterday we had dinner in our anniversary of 4 years. He brought up what happened and why I wasn’t wearing the ring he brought me back (I left it at the car) . I told him that I thought things over and don’t want it anymore cause it doesn’t represent what I believe about it . He got mad and told me I was exposing him to comments in his inner circle and he didn’t like that. I bypassed it and started by saying to him I would be in his place 1 time a week and on weekend and the rest I would be with my parents. He said no that he wanted to see me everyday . I told him I can’t keep living with my MIL. I stated that since he is so opposite to marriage I would give the ring back and I wouldn’t expect anything for him anymore. I told him I planned on January 2027 going on rent after I gather a good sum and that he can do whatever he wants with his life and his money as he stated and figure out if he wants to rent with me by then. That he has every right to put his wants first and i would put myself first too. The wife treatment would stop (Doing his laundry , cooking etc) and we would be back to casual . He told me the ring means a lot to me and since I don’t wear it I don’t see him as a serious relationship. I agreed. Told his he has every right to not accept my demands (in going on rent or meeting the in laws) but that would of course put our relationship behind. We would work things out later. He got mad and started looking into places to rent and dates for the in laws to meet. Told him I didn’t want anything forced anymore and maybe he should accept that we are different people. He blamed his mother for coming to her home and disrupting us (we never fought before that) and I told him this wasn’t her war to fight nor she is to blame for not wanting to leave the place she build with her own money. The problem was solely him not putting us first .
He told me he didn’t want the rent cause there would be problems . I asked what problems and he answered about parking space( I told him he could walk). Money (told him we had enough .) Bad neighbours (told him that’s an if.) We wouldn’t have a tv cause he has a projector and wouldn’t be able to pierce the sealing( Told him he could buy a table for it) and new furniture (told him he could very much take the furniture in his place afterwards) . When he tried to find another problem I stopped him. I told him what he states are minor issues in my eyes and I wouldn’t continue this conversation . He brought up bad stuff about me . ( when he is in the wrong he usually does this to deflect the conversation) I told him I wouldn’t bother with insults and wouldn’t bait nor change the conversation. I asked him why he hangs on the money excuse when we have enough . He told me he prefers to spoil himself rather than pay for a house that in the end wouldn’t be ours . I just sighed and told him to rethink what he said and how it paints him. He got defensive again and I told him he is just comfortable in his home and puts himself first . That he is entitled to do that but not expect of me to accept his terms.
Told him the engagement was his idea and he hadn’t thought about it well enough and to re consider his decision cause engagement require sacrifice and step downs. Told him I would wear the ring to avoid comments although it lost its meaning but to not expect me to put us first when he doesn’t . We went back home and I came to my parental home .
Now my parents said I overdid it . That I pressed to much and I am not in the right . But their opinions are outdated and they thing the man js always right . I thing I did what had to be done. So I am asking you what you thing. I don’t thing I overacted nor that I pressed things . I just asked what is required from a 4 year old relationship with a ring in the go.
Tdlr: I lived with my boyfriend in his mother’s home. She came to live with him too and he proposed. I told him we should rent due to her behaviour and my awkwardness. He said he doesn’t have the money to pay his portion but he walks ahead and spents half his salary in trinkets while refusing dinner with our in laws. I returned the ring and came back to my parents. They thing I am in the wrong and that I shouldn’t have do that. Now I don’t know anymore if what I did was the right thing. Maybe I should have stayed or let him do his thing since he would be paying for the house not me. (His decision also)
All comments are welcome (good or bad ones).