I (F,22) met a man (M, 39) more than 3 years ago online. We’re from different countries and when we met he right away made me feel special. I felt something was not quite usual meaning special from the start :/ we started chatting on accident. He made an offer: he was looking for an “online girlfriend”. He was ready to pay some not really big money each week just for me to talk to him sometimes. He wanted to keep personal information hidden. We talked much. We both seemed to enjoy it. It felt more like friendship first but still had some element of romance to it. He was the first person I talked to romantically to and had mutual interest. I never dated before. Soon enough I had said I did not want to receive payment from him to which he was surprised and we continued to talk. I was the first one to share personal information (like my name and pictures of me). It all felt very special and he also had a thing where he’d look for signs (oddities in our relationship? like little proofs it all isn’t on accident).
We kept on texting. He’d say he was unusual. Maybe I’d notice but it did not bother me. Maybe I did not notice anything at all. First time saying goodbye for he had said we were moving toward shattered hearts and next day we were talking again. Separation was unbearable. He tried to think of “strategies” on how to get over it easier or keep our communication more appropriate.
Long story short: we kept on talking for more than 3 years. First year he said he loved me. Second year desire to meet, desire for creating family was expressed. And the fact that I inspired such desires was also mentioned. Things like phone calls and video calls appeared later in the relationship and were mainly initiated by me.
He said he could meet for either life crisis (like his family member dying) or lack of stability and finance or lack of something actual to offer. But after each goodbye he would reach out. And it’d give me hope.
I keep on forgetting this fact but when I reread my diaries I see – I was in much distress at times. I feared he didn’t need me really, he’d choose a future without me, he’d leave me or I expressed anger at myself for being too silly, too naive to believe anything was actually possible.
At some point he started working much and making money, even told me to choose a ring. We planned to meet but the date would be postponed. Honestly deep down I know I wasn’t ready to meet: I lived with my parent, I didn’t make money, I hoped for him to come visit me I guess but even that deep down I also feared or thought very unlikely. But I the desire to be with him was very strong and very present.
After him having said he had some real plans I thought it was it: I matured a little, he was ready too – it would actually happen. But then I kept on getting random sadness and irritation with this situation more and more often and it’d impact our relationship. We stopped talking. Not long ago I felt something was off, I knew somehow this time he will not text me. But I reached out in desire for clarity: he did not expect it. Did not plan to meet but only seemed it as an interesting idea. I learned his name on accident but did not do much checking. But my friend did find pictures from his wedding and she only showed me recently bc she did not want to make me upset when it all seemed to be going well.
Now: I asked about marriage. Turned out he was married at some point. Started talking to me when considering divorce for the purpose of gaining more “confidence and social experience” for future dating. I accidentally started in his life a lot longer than he had planned. He even told his wife about me and said I was special and made him feel heard and seen like never before. But he could not see much for why and how he would be with me that’s why he kept on seeking signs. It turned out at some resent point when our relationship was very very difficult he started talking to and dating someone else. He thought we were done. He offers to meet now for the sake of seeing if we’d work out in person: no ring, no serious intentions. And he doesn’t see much problem in dating other people.
I have been in great stress. I lost sleep. Started having panic attacks. I fear I have done something wrong. I don’t have support from my family or friends. I don’t know whether I should go see him. It all feels like torture to me. I see he had moved on long ago and I can’t even realise that somehow and suddenly it all tore apart. I feel there’s big part of me I can’t access and heal which dictates my affection and attachment to him I guess?
TL, DR: met a man with whom I wanted to meet in real life and have serious things with. All fell apart and he moved on while I am unable to move on completely.