(Re-upload with edits: my previous post was removed for formatting.)
My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for two years. I live at his house and don’t pay rent (it’s one of his parents’ properties).
Over the last six months our relationship has been slowly deteriorating. I’ve had multiple conversations with him about how his communication style hurts me and others, and how little effort he puts into understanding me.
A few examples:
1 Once, I mentioned seeing a male friend and he spent the dinner spiraling into topics like calling himself (grandparents immigrated from Italy to Aus) as “ethnic” as my Asian/Middle Eastern best friend, saying “no one should be friends with Germans, we’ve moved on too fast from the Holocaust,” and “old people don’t deserve respect.” It was bizarre and uncomfortable.
2 When we need to solve small domestic issues (like fixing a drain), he often derails the conversation into his own feelings rather than focusing on the task, getting visibly upset at me.
3 When I’m overwhelmed and trying to self-regulate by being quiet or still, he panics and asks what he did wrong, which forces me to comfort him instead of calming myself.
4 I’m autistic, and my tone can be flat. He often misreads it as hostility, especially around practical or “adult” topics.
5 The other night, he made fun of the way I walked and looked, even doing a hurtful impression. I said “that’s not a nice thing to do to your girlfriend,” and he exploded into, “what about thank you for cooking dinner? Why is it never thank you?”
The breaking point came this week when we took our puppy to be de-sexed. I filled out the vet consent form while he watched. Because I’d be at work during the procedure, I made sure the clinic knew to call him first. I signed my own name at the bottom (as the form requires) and added his details below. Later that day, I discovered a private ChatGPT thread where he described the whole event with anger and resentment, accusing me of being controlling and writing my phone number in its required section (above his) to “belittle” him. Reading that was shattering. It showed me how warped his perception of me has become.
That’s been our pattern: I act from practicality or care, he interprets it as attack or disrespect.
I wouldn’t call our relationship abusive. Most days are neutral, some are lovely, and about 10–20% of the time things get really painful. He’s affectionate and loving, and I truly love him and the life we’ve built: our home, our routines, our puppy. But when anything serious happens, he becomes reactive, defensive, or mean, and I end up feeling small and unseen.
Logistically, leaving is hard. I work part-time (four days a week) and study at university. If I rent, I’ll have around $400 a week to live on. That means shared custody of the dog, major financial stress, and losing the most comfortable home I’ve ever had. But staying means continuing to feel unheard and distorted.
My question: How do I decide whether to stay or leave when the relationship isn’t entirely bad but feels fundamentally incompatible? What concrete steps can I take to make the right decision?
TL;DR: My boyfriend believes I am antagonising him when I’m taking care of logistics or myself. He’s great most of the time and I love the life we share beyond these issues, but I’m worried I’ll never see him the same. I’d appreciate advice on how to move forward and protect my peace.
32 comments
You will not find any place so comfortable once you have been mentally destroyed
I’m stuck on the “wouldn’t call it abusive” because the abuse is only 10% of the time. Girl, it’s not you, it’s him. He’s the problem. It doesn’t matter how hard you try and reframe things, or what his words say, his actions are screaming he doesn’t respect you or value you. Talk is cheap, the truth is in his actions. You need to leave. He’s too self-centred and immature for a relationship. A nice house is not worth giving up your sense of worth for, and he IS destroying your self-worth.
Your boyfriend is mentally unwell OP. Take the dog and find a place of your own. There are reg flags all over the place with your BF.
fuck logistics, I promise, that shit works itself out as you go- and seriously….go. I know that fear of the unknown and how uncomfortable it will be to shake it all up. Everything will change.
But it will be better.
And faster than you think too.
It will work in your favor if you leave. Like seriously, I promise. It will.
don’t stay with someone whose mean to you or doesn’t like you as a person. That’s not where you’re supposed to be. And that alone is reason enough to go.
If you need a sign this is it
Go
“But when anything serious happens, he becomes reactive, defensive, or mean, and I end up feeling small and unseen.”
Life is a series of serious events. Your partner should be someone who makes your life easier and with whom you feel safe at your most vulnerable. This man is not it.
I am also autistic and my husband and I have been married for 20 years. I can count on one hand the number of disagreements we have had in that time. And neither one of us has ever called the other one a name or been disrespectful or mean.
It is hard as an autistic person to see through abusive people to their ulterior motives. It happened to me before I met my husband. That man made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage that no one would ever love. My husband makes me feel like I am the only person in the world who matters. I want that for you.
If your gut intuition is telling you it can’t be worked on then leave … it won’t get better if you try to change someone, ever
You got a glimpse of how he views the world, it’s much different than the external reality that you’re living. If you stay, be very, very, vigilant, and don’t try to excuse or dismiss what you see, pay attention. There’s a good chance that at some point there’s going to be a shift and you will slowly start experiencing who he really is. Nobody can wear a mask forever.
“I wouldn’t call our relationship abusive. Most days are neutral, some are lovely, and about 10–20% of the time things get really painful.”
Do you think so many people would enter into or stay in abusive relationships if the abuse was constant? If it is abusive 10-20% than it is abusive.
If you have a sandwich that’s otherwise lovely but has a smear of shit on it, you have a shit sandwich.
Please open your eyes, he is obnoxious & abusive to you. The longer you stay the worse he is going to get. Please take your puppy & find somewhere safe to stay. I’m begging you to put your safety first.
Just leave. He’s not nice, doesn’t sound smart, and will only descend further into ridiculous worldviews.
“about 10–20% of the time things get really painful”.
This is a disproportionate quantity of real pain to have in your time.
$400 a week after rent? That’s more than do-able. No one talks to someone they respect like that, he does not respect or frankly even LIKE you speaking to you like that.
The stuff he is angry at you about makes NO sense to me and is completely unreasonable. If he doesn’t want to change his perspective on these totally minor incidents that drive him into a frothing rage, he’s never going to. He’s probably going to keep getting worse. He’s treating you really badly and unfairly by any standard. I’m sorry.
I’m less concerned about how he sees the world as I am about how he sees you. His behavior is not normal. Hes not mentally well or healthy. This isn’t something anyone should tolerate for a home to live in.
How someone reacts when things are bad is the standard upon which you should judge them. Because life can get bad. A whoooole lot of bad. All of us have to decide if we can handle our partners at their worst, because that is what we’re signing up for in a relationship. And if this guy acts like this over a DRAIN, hows he going to react with things like family and medical emergencies, a home flooded by a burst pipe, or God forbid if you accidently break something of his? I don’t feel like I can be certain you will be all that safe.
He knows you’re autistic yet doesn’t seem to take that into consideration when communicating about anything. He doesn’t consider his behavior. He doesn’t manage his own emotions, as normal adults should be able to do. He can’t take criticism, even when it’s criticism of what HE did to hurt YOU. Its something we learn as children, if you’re going to be a dick to someone you better be prepared for them to be upset with you. Instead he turns it on you. And puts words in your mouth and thoughts in your head then gets mad at you for it, even though you didn’t say or think them. He does the same thing my mother does, creating a narrative in their head then treating you as guilty for it. A normal person doesn’t come to that conclusion he reached over the issue with the phone number on the paperwork. That one situation alone makes no sense.
There will be a point where you realize your peace and health is worth more than this free rent. When you realize that the good will never outweigh the bad. And I suggest you start saving money and preparing for that point. Because this ain’t all life can give you.
Hey OP. Just curious. Is your bf ADHD? Some of those things seem very that, but others seem rather narcissistic. Either way, your bf needs help and he should not be dating until he gets some. Good luck.
I’m going to point out that as you age MORE serious stuff will continue to happen all at once.
If you have children, you could easily have to deal with a toddler, a teen with a broken heart, a car that didn’t start, and a water heater that doesn’t, all on the same day.
If you don’t have kids, you could have bad health news, a small house fire, job stress, all at the same day.
And this is more days than it isn’t, sometimes, for years.
And he belittled you for filling out a form correctly, that he could have done himself.
I don’t think he likes you or himself.
I think if you are even questioning whether it is or is not abuse, the ship has sailed and it’s time to set yourself free.
My husband has talked to me like that exactly zero times in 15y, and I wouldn’t talk to him that way either.
Marriage is you two against the world. What’s the point in a marriage where you are alone and your partner acts aggressively towards you.
OP it’s honestly time to leave when 10% of your day you are treated this way. It will destroy your self worth and esteem if you stay. Bf needs heck a lot more than you could ever do or say to help him not feel attacked or treated badly. I lived that life far too many yrs in 2 different marriages (bad picket) believed “if only” all would be great. I did this or that until I was a chocolate mess & got out only to fall into the next. Got help, took years off dating, finally in great relationship. Older wiser me now knows nothing I could’ve done to make things okay with either of them. Plz don’t spend too much time doing this as there are wonderful people out there that are the way your bf is. Your next home will be calmer, not walking on egg shells is a great thing.
You’ve put yourself in an uncomfortable position where you’ve have to rely on someone to stay afloat that you don’t agree with on many topics.
1) What are core values in a relationship vs beliefs that are extrinsic. Like his beliefs may be bizzare on immigrants but is it relevant to you? See if it manifests itself in other ways. However, making dinner and appreciation and those interactions are pretty core in how you treat another when you are getting a favor.
2) Don’t go snooping around in private communication and diaries; all the time, people are upset about things that they need to let some steam go. That’s long-term going to destroy most relationships. Did he step up or cause an issue about the vet?
Finally, what is the purpose of this relationship – are you in a phase trying to find yourself while you go to school or is it something that you think its a life-partner/marraige as next steps?
It may be you can only focus on being a roommate right now and thus you don’t need to go into deeper connection at this time. But be careful on trending onto the side of using someone for their resources, if he thinks he’s in this for marriage then you need to think if that’s not something you can entertain at this time.
You can’t stay. It’s not an option. It won’t get better.
This gives me the vibe of my relationship with my ex-husband. Faking it on the outside, true thoughts perceiving slights always. Very concrete abuse started in a similar mass of unclarity in which he was caring but then he wasn’t. Write things dows for yourself, you may start feeling crazy soon. Turned out he had a personality disorder. You can check BPDlovedones subreddit to see if something feels right in there. Or post this there for nuanced opinions.
Don’t date people that make fun of you or aren’t mature enough to have a calm conversation about issues in your relationship
$400 is workable. And you don’t share custody of a dog; you have your name on all the vet paperwork and keep the dog alone.
I recommend finding someone at your university (student assistance office?) to tell to about what financial and logistical help might be available to you when you leave him.
Get the idea of “shared custody of the dog” out of your head.
That NEVER works and only makes the breakup drag out longer and messier than it needs to be
Change is scary, I know. But staying with someone who is clearly not mentally stable can be really dangerous. I think you need to move out and take the dog, as the paperwork is in your name, and go complete no contact.
The relationship is abusive, and if it’s gotten worse these past 6 months, then it will only escalate.
You have to get good at enforcing your boundaries and not feeling guilty about it. Otherwise you will be like me, 10 years into a relationship with a narcissist that has ruined anything good I have ever had. I am also autistic, and for all the same reasons you listed, stayed out of convenience.
I think it will be hard to leave but ultimately it’s a much better decision long-term. No amount of money will be able to pay for the therapy you will need.
Honey let me assure you, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship. His behavior will escalate over time, as well, so that 10% or 20% will steadily increase. You do not deserve to live your life with someone so disrespectful of you.
He’s got serious issues, the abuse will only get worse. It always does.
Girl dump him, he’s sucking the happiness out of you
I would call it abusive
I work in family violence, and one of the hardest things to get people to understand is the good times are kind of part of the abuse cycle. If it was bad 100% of the time, everyone would leave early doors. Instead, there’s just enough good to keep you insecure, but in it. I highly recommend looking up the cycle of abuse, and the book “Why does he do that?”