Me (M29) and my gf (33) are together for almost 2 years now. As we started dating everything was going very fast and after like 5 Months we were living together in her house.
At the beginning of our relationship everything was going well, we had a lot to talk about, had a lot of sex and intimacy in generell.
We could talk about our past and the problems we have with mental health (i'm struggling with dysthymia and she is a borderliner).
So far so Good, but after a couple months we had a little conflict and she had her first split, which changed her behaviour for ever.
We talked it out and after a couple days it got better but she wasnt the same Anymore.
He continued the relationship and moved together, which made my Life difficult because i had to travel 5 hours/+ to go to work and back home again. I knew it before but i wanted it anyways because i wanted to live with her.
Though her problems with borderline she isnt really able to clean her house and garden by herself but that was ok for me too, so i started to help her with that in my Free time. I didnt do it because i wanted anything from her, i just wanted to make her life easier, so she doesnt have to care about that anymore.
I started to help her with everything were she was struggling and i thought she would See how deeply i care for her. But she didnt.
When anything happens, my Bad or not, at home or at work,… doesnt matter, she makes me feel Bad about it. Its like she wants to hurt me, so she doesnt have to suffer allone or something like that.
She started to distance herself from me in both ways, emotional and physical. especially when it comes to sexual intimacy. She told me for example that she has problems with her body and sex drive but doesnt want to go to the doctor. Another Example is, whenever i try to make out with her something isnt right. Either she "forgets to breath" or has to sneeze or anything like that. She doesnt start intimacy from herself anymore, not at all. And even if i try, there is not much of a Chance.. sometimes i massage her whole body with oil and everything and one out of 10 Times we come closer.
I tried to talk to her about many Things, especially the absence of physical Touch, which is my main Love language.
But everytime i try to speak to her she goes completly cold after a couple Minutes and makes me feel Bad about it.
Same happens when i want her Support. For example yesterday i was told that a friend of mine k*lled himself. I told her about it and she went like : oh… thats how life goes.
Another big point is future Plans. Sometimes we talked a little about having Kids and Stuff like that and i honestly cant really imagine a future where we both are happy anymore. She knows that i want kids and talks really Bad about kids, Jokes around… she knows that i dont like it and i dont think its Funny. Same is with her house. Its at the end of the World and i dont like it, but for her its no Option to live anywere Else.
But sometimes, especially when she is a little drunk, a glimpse of the girl i started dating shines through and then i feel lost.
I really love her and i dont want to hurt her at all. But i cant go on like this anymore. I sacrifice every Minute of my time to keep everything running. She sometimes teils me to stop and do something that i like, but i cant. Im always aware that if not everything is Done, she will be in a Bad mood and so i couldnt enjoy anything anyways.
Im really exhausted and i dont want to feel guilty for everything anymore. It doesnt matter which decision i make, she will be mad about either way and i have a deep Desire for Peace.
I dont know what to do anymore..
Tl;Dr: im unhappy in my relationship, but i cant bring myself to end it.