We have been living together for 3 years and I would say our relationship for the first 2 years was pretty good. He was the one who was interested first and went after me. He was also the one who wanted me to move in with him. Overall we are very compatible and didn’t have any major conflicts for the first 2 years. It really felt like a very harmonious relationship. We discussed our expectations and goals and it seemed to be aligned. I also feel like we had a very strong emotional connection that we built over the 2 years. Additionally in the beginning he disclosed to me that he has bipolar disorder and manages it with medication.
The only thing that I didn’t like in the beginning of our relationship is his behavior when he was drinking. A lot of times he would start acting really strange and not have good judgment. I don’t really drink even socially so a lot of times this would take place without me there. Before we moved in together I remember him going drinking and disappearing for a few days and coming back like nothing happened. Since this was when we first started dating I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to confront him about where he was for the last 2-3 days. Eventually he would disclose to me what happened during the times he went drinking and to me it sounded like very irresponsible behavior that could get him in a lot of trouble. Knowing what I know now, I think almost every time he got drunk he became hypomanic. And looking back almost every time we had a fight or I was upset at him is because he was drinking the night before.
For the first 2 years everything was mostly fine and we didn’t have any major issues. We spent a lot of quality time together and our relationship was pretty strong.
But at the end of 2024 a major problem came up in his life and I feel this is when everything went downhill for us. The problem was about property management and I knew that the case would be resolved and turn out in his favor. Ever since we returned home from a vacation in Jan 2025 he started going out a lot and drinking heavily. I tried to be supportive as much as I can and assured him that everything will be okay. I also didn’t say anything about the drinking because I assumed that it’s his business and he is an adult. Every day or every other day he would come back from work, have a brief conversation with me and go hang out at a bar. He then would come home at 12:00 am or later and the cycle would continue. Sometimes he would also smoke weed and fall asleep on the couch.
Over time it really started to strain our relationship. He would sleep in all day because of the hangovers and be irritable and in generally in a bad mood. This caused us to start spending less time with each other and talking less. He didn’t plan anything for Valentine’s Day, when I got him a nice gift. Over time we started to spend less and less time together even though we lived together. I started to be the one who has to initiate doing anything together and our conversations started to become superficial. Since spring I started to feel very neglected and that I was the only one trying to maintain our connection as a couple. During the summer we barely even saw each other and he didn’t really make much effort into planning to do anything together. If we did something or went anywhere most of the time I had to be the one initiating it. By the end of the summer it started to feel that we lived parallel lives even while living together.
In September he also started working on a big work project that also became very stressful for him. I think he even forgot about our anniversary that’s in September. Yet again I got him a gift that I thought he would like and only after I started crying that if he doesn’t want to be with me he should be honest and tell me. He the assured me he didn’t forget and offered to go out to dinner. Things have not gotten better since September and I told him that we haven’t really done anything together in the summer and he took me on a trip out of state.
The trip went very well and we had a great time. We didn’t fight and finally spent some quality time together. After the trip my birthday was coming up and he didn’t ask me what I want to do or what gift I would like. When it was his birthday or another holiday I was attentive enough to ask him what he wants to do and what gift he would like to get. I didn’t think much of it and comes the day of my birthday. He is at work all day and tells me to be ready to leave when he gets home. On the way to the restaurant he is very nervous but I don’t say anything about it. We do my dinner and he gets pretty drunk and insists we go to another bar after dinner so he can get a drink even though I told him that’s not what I wanted. I drove us home while he was drunk. When we get home I see he is still putting everything together and he reused a gift wrapped paper from a gift that I gave him for our anniversary.
After that I couldn’t hold was it together I started crying and asking why he had to reuse a gift wrapping that I got for him. He blew up and told me to go back to my parent’s house and I looked him straight in his face and asked him if that’s what he really wanted and he said yes. He then stormed out and said that he won’t be giving me any of my “thoughtful gifts”. I went to sleep on the couch and was so upset and in disbelief of what happened. The next morning he tried to be nice but I was too upset about what happened and refused to talk to him unless absolutely necessary.
The worst part is that my parents were visiting me and I had to go out with them and withhold myself from crying the whole time. A few days later after our blowout birthday fight he tried to apologize and reassured me that he still likes me etc. I was so furious about what happened and the buildup from the past 8 months or so that I just started crying and shaking and saying I don’t deserve this. I told him that he ruined my whole birthday weekend. The next week I was house sitting and was staying away from the apartment for about a week. During my stay away he didn’t really text me except to say that he knows we need to talk and that I deserve a thought out apology but he hasn’t been feeling emotionally available and needs some time to get his thoughts together. When I came back to the apartment after being away for like 5 days we didn’t really talk and when I pushed him for an answer or an explanation he gave me some partially non sensical explanation as to why our relationship is failing. Since I had a family trip planned I asked him to drive me to the airport and he went back and forth between me coming back soon and staying with my family longer. On our way to the airport he gave me my birthday card and a gift card and we haven’t really spoken since. It’s been almost 2 weeks and this has been a very distressing time for me. It feels like these 3 years together mean nothing to him and he remembers only the negative aspects of our relationship, which in my opinion are very fixable. We haven’t spoken much since because I just don’t see what I can even say at this point except discussing some logics.
My impression of this situation is that because of the stress in his life he started drinking heavily and that caused even the basic responsibilities of a relationship too overwhelming for him. He used to be a different person before and turned into someone I don’t recognize. I don’t think it’s possible to be in a healthy relationship with a person who lives such a lifestyle. I think his mental health is his responsibility and it’s not right for me to police his self care and drinking.
I’m so sad I don’t know what to do. I have felt so neglected since the start of 2025 and that I’m some sort of a care taker instead of gf. I don’t think it’s fair to me to be with a partner like this but at the same time I want him to realize his issues. It’s especially very heartbreaking because we are very compatible and had a strong emotional connection. It’s like a switch has been flipped and in a matter of 9 months our relationship has significantly degraded. I can’t believe that he became so emotionally unavailable and detached. That after 3 years he doesn’t even want to see what is the core issue that got us to this point.
As much as I love him and our relationship it’s not fair to me to be with someone like that. It has been about 2 weeks of me being away and I’m not sure what to do next. As much as I want to move on I feel so sad that our relationship just crashed and burned like this. What should I do next? TIA
TL;DR Boyfriend started drinking a lot and it ruined our relationship over time. I left our shared apartment for almost 2 weeks, not sure what to do next.