My husband (27M) and I have been together for 6 years and I have never liked his brother. He is the antithesis of someone I’d want as a friend. He is a very conservative white dude who spends his time working and going to church group. I have absolutely nothing in common with him.
Many of mine and my husband’s friends have commented on how they can’t believe him and his brother are related. Both my husband and I have nothing in common with him so it’s difficult to find conversation topics. Conversations usually end up being about how work is going or bringing up the past (childhood, the deaths of their parents, etc).
My husband feels bound by his mother as she was very guilt-trippy and manipulative when she was alive and one of her deathbed wishes that my husband never ‘abandons’ his brother because her siblings stopped speaking to her after she turned 18. He never planned on abandoning him, but now feels obligation to invite him to my family’s Christmases since they don’t have any family left.
BIL had learning and fine motor development difficulties growing up and was described by my late MIL as being on the spectrum. He works full time and takes care of a house by himself so he’s functional. His behaviours, I believe, aren’t to do with his autism but with general poor habits but they’ve been excused as such his whole life. He chews with his mouth open, regularly leaves messes and stains everywhere he goes, smells of B.O. constantly, and does things like sticks his hands down his pants while on the couch in the living room when he’s in someone else’s home. (MY home… my poor couch… him with his hand down his pants and then sniffing is burned into my mind.)
My parents (East Asian) are what I would call recovering toxic people. Throughout my childhood, they would impose their definition of hygiene, manners, and what they define as respectful. Things like hierarchies in families (and the importance of family), how to present yourself during meals, gifting culture, emphasis on hygiene, and generally just how to present yourself around others. I won’t give too many details about my childhood, but know that these rules were enforced and have caused me to never be fully relaxed or myself around them.
I bring up my parents because they have such an engrained sense of duty toward family that they have welcomed my BIL (no problem with me if I could stand him) but my BIL does not respect or even try to learn about our culture. Do I agree with everything my parents say? No. Do I think parents/elders in general deserve some sort of respect, especially if they’re welcoming you into their family? Of course.
At OUR WEDDING, my BIL told my parents that my husband didn’t help with his mom when she was sick with cancer at all (she passed late 2023). BIL never moved out but my husband moved out when he was 18 to join the military and get school paid for. He never moved back home as he went to college right after. While we visited as often as we could before and during her illness, we lived 2,000 miles away because my husband was finishing school. Neither his mom or he had the money to visit and she said to not quit school to come help. It felt like my BIL was trying to make my husband look bad in front of my parents. I told my mom it made me nervous that he said that and she told me that her and my father know that my BIL is a special case and that she doesn’t hold it against my husband.
A few months later, my parents and BIL came to celebrate my husband’s graduation. We went to the university bookstore, and my parents told everybody to pick something (as a keepsake and gift from them). My dad picked a mug, my husband and I picked sweaters, and my mom picked a hat. BIL picked a Peter Millar polo. I didn’t even know the name brand either, but when we were checking out, my husband checked the price of BIL’s shirt and sternly said, “BIL, this is $148.” BIL said, “I know. I’ve always wanted something from this brand but it’s too expensive,” and then handed it to my mom for her to pay. This incident still enrages me when I think about it. I can’t understand his point of view. If somebody was offering to buy me something in a store, I would not be picking one of the most expensive clothing items. ESPECIALLY if they were not even my in-laws, but my brother’s in-laws.
He also mentioned to my parents at graduation that he wasn’t planning on maybe ever selling the house (50/50 in the will). Just a couple weeks before that, we discussed how we felt he should take 70/30 since he did so much work with taking care of their mom and that we appreciate all that effort and he thanked us and said he appreciates it and that he was going to sell it in the next few years to help us get our own house when we have a baby.
All of this to say that he was sheltered a lot of his life and got away with a lot of his behaviour (MIL would often tell my husband to ‘leave him alone’ when BIL would display irritating behaviour and husband would correct him) and doesn’t know basic social cues or respect in general. I get a very sinister and dark icked out feeling when I interact with him (I know that sounds dramatic, but I feel like some of the things he says or does are malicious and then masked and played off by others saying “[BIL] is just socially inept.” I genuinely can’t even look at him or interact with him for longer than 5 minutes without feeling a nasty gut feeling.
My husband regularly gets anxious when thinking/talking about his brother to the point where he has to take a break from talking about it. He says he feels embarrassed that someone like that is his brother and also whenever my BIL is around my parents because he feels it’s a reflection of him since BIL is his family. I’ve reassured him that my parents have said they don’t take what BIL says to heart but I’m afraid too. I am dreading all future Christmases. How can I make peace with the fact that this is the rest of my life?
tl;dr
i hate my BIL bc he’s got nasty habits and i think he does malicious things but everybody says he might just be autistic and my parents are family oriented and want to have him around (and my husband’s late mom made him promise to keep him around) but i want to vomit just thinking about how he has to ruin every one of my christmases from now on. how do i make peace with that?