This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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can I please meet one woman who is not a flaky texter
More of a vent than anything. Against myself and my friend.
I had a friend push me to open up about a dating situation. A constant complaint in our friendship is that I don’t tell her anything. So I have tried to be more open.
I really try to lead with kindness and empathy but I made one stupid comment to someone I’ve been dating who I have a long history with and it hurt them a lot more than I anticipated. I have never said an unkind word to this person before, I was just being thoughtless and insecure.
But I have been crying my eyes out and struggling to sleep out of guilt and remorse all week, even though the person I am dating said they forgive me and just need some time to get over it. It happened a few days ago. I had called my friend sobbing about this after it happened.
So I had a call last night with my friend last night and she pushed me to talk about the situation more even though I was reluctant. She is someone who can be quite cutting when she is irritated and she was already irritated about unrelated stuff in her personal life. So I was extra reluctant but was trying to be more open.
She interrupted me about four sentences in, started arguing me about what factually happened even though she didn’t know the story, decided it was a great time to give me laundry list of things I need to work on in regards to dating and our friendship, very abrasively.
I can take constructive criticism, but there is a time and a place. This is why I don’t open up to her.
I guess on the bright side my frustration with her is now outweighing my guilt.
After 7 weeks of no contact and feeling like I was never going to feel better, I finally made the decision to block my ex on social media and my phone. He never reached out to me, he doesn’t care, but I still miss him so much, even though he shattered my heart and my ability to trust. I’m not blocking to send any kind of message to him—just to try to feel better for my own healing.
I sent a more flirty text for the first time to a guy I’ve been on a few dates with (we have plans today) and he texted me later saying that he’s just happy to spend time with me no matter what else happens—this is the furthest I’ve ever gotten with a guy lol and I kind of can’t believe he seems so interested in me
Non-dating related rant:
A former friend I haven’t spoken to in at least 2 years texted me out of nowhere telling me she and her bf broke up and how he was abusive to her and she’s having a hard time. I expressed my sympathies but didn’t engage because: 1) we haven’t spoken in so long, 2) she was never a good friend, she would only talk to/hang out with me when she needed help/support/to vent – my attempts to keep in touch and hang out whenever I happened to be in her city were ignored, and she never reached out when she was in mine, and 3) she was one of my best friend’s exes and was generally awful to him, so overall I just don’t like her much.
She has since called me three times, and I haven’t picked up. I feel sort of bad, but I’m not interested in being her emotional tampon.
Saw another IG Reel (so sorry to that one person who got real mad about reels) that was basically talking about how connection and support can be inconvenient and that we need to just GET OVER IT and do the thing anyway. Like no, you might not want to go to your friend’s cat’s seventh birthday party, but your friend is important to you and wants you there, so you don’t make excuses. YOU SHOW UP FOR YOUR VILLAGE.
YOU’RE TIRED?? YEAH, WE ARE ALL TIRED. WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD. BUT THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING IS SHARING EXPERIENCES AND LAUGHTER AND SHIT WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
I just appreciated the reminder because it’s *so* easy to disconnect and not invest and stay isolated, and it’s *so* bad for us. Let yourselves be inconvenienced, munchkins.
Now go out and find your village (but not your sibling, please).
I’ve been a lurker for a minute, I’m just trying to gain perspective. I know what I’m about, mostly, but I just got out of a relationship with someone more capable than myself, and recent diagnosis of a lifelong disability (autism & bipolar together), I no longer know what I have to offer. I’m happy to give someone my affections, for very little other than reciprocity, but tbh I am such a mess that I fear no one will ever love me again.
Also I’m friendless, sleeping in my car, unemployed, and no one wants to hire a disabled person who is all of those things, so I have little to nothing to incentivize strangers to interact with me.
I’m working on it, but I don’t see anyone taking an interest in me any time soon. Maybe someone will have advice, maybe not.
Shrug.
It was awkward, but I finally asked him directly how old he is. He’s in the age bracket of my dream guy (someone older, but only by a maximum of maybe 2 years. He’s a year older but I suspect he’s actually only a few months older than me) Someone in the friend group, not knowing that I am still crushing on this guy, is determined to “set us up” – he and I also happen to be on the older end of the friend group, so we will see how that will go. He’s actually a really funny guy, dry sense of humor and he’s also very nice – as are everyone else in this particular community!
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Had a hard (but good, and enlightening) conversation with her last night. From my perspective, we have entered the stage in our relationship where our future is no longer theoretical; it’s something I am looking at as “what do I need to do now to ensure this sustainable in the long term.”
As a result, we have been bumping into more disagreements. She has had a very different upbringing from me, and I am realizing that:
– To her, conflict = danger, bad, a sign or symptom of something being very wrong
– To me, conflict (confrontation) = normal, healthy, a process for establishing and gaining clarity about each others needs and boundaries
It’s not that I’m comfortable with conflict, per se. I know that conflict can damage a relationship, and I would like to minimize it where possible. But I am generally unafraid of being in conflict or confrontation, especially where I feel like both parties involved are making a good faith effort to resolve it.
I do think that the disagreements we’ve been having lately have made us stronger; have taught us about the other and what we each need, how we communicate, how we work through conflict. I think it has made each of us look critically at ourselves and ask us what we can do better for our partner and for our relationship as a whole. I think she is coming around to that understanding, too, but I know there is still some part of her that is afraid it means we’re incompatible.
I love her so much. I want to be her safe place. I want space for both of us to have needs and boundaries. I want room for us to grow. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
(Thank you for coming to my tedx talk)
I really want to travel this weekend, and just get away from here, I suppose. I have other committments on Sunday, though, so I can’t really go that far. I’m thinking of taking the train to a nearby city on Saturday, walk for a bit, visit some local bookshops, sit on a bench to read and then have a pint or something. I’ve done this sort of thing a couple of times and it’s always nice.
I’m a little bit embarrassed that I never have much to do on the weekend. I’ve lived here for long enough that you’d think I would’ve met some people to go out with already.
Just venting. For 2 years I dating a guy before waking up and realizing he was emotionally manipulative, sexually coercive, and using me financially. Unfortunately, he couldnt move out right away as he was also unemployed (winner, right?). Well, he got a new job and moved out but is fighting me on paying half of the utilities for the past year (which i have on a contract we both signed).
Im just so angry: he has plenty of money and yet is refusing to pay what he owes on paper. (Not on paper, im even more in the hole – i let him use my good graces for 2 years… im an idiot – but thats another story.) I dont know why he wont just pay and let me move on. I gave him a deadline of 4pm today or Ill file in small claims court. Its 11am where I am and im going crazy.
On the plus side, I have a few dates lined up. No big sparks yet but im thinking maybe thats a good sign – my ex gave me sparks and that was a dumpster fire.
I need to get my shit together and make my apartment look a little more put together so I can invite this guy over eventually (I probably care about what it looks like more than he will). I moved in a year and a half ago and got the bare minimum of furniture needed for myself which is… not much, plus I have adhd and no real sense of interior style so I’ve just been unable to make decisions about anything, plus it’s a crummy apartment that I don’t wanna be in that long and am thinking I don’t want to have to move a bunch of stuff!!
I’m seeing a mutual friend (42F) of mine and -hers- (34F) this Sunday. We’re going out on a museum tour, so that’s gonna be fun. We’ve been hanging out a bit more lately,
Over the last few days I’ve been considering if I should confide in her about what I feel for -her-. I feel the need to get this off my chest with someone who knows -her- too. I’m pretty sure my friend’s already noticed though. (And if she did, I can’t imagine that -she- hasn’t picked up on that either…)
I have absolutely no expectations from my friend if I’d be telling her this. Last thing I want is her asking -her- about what she thinks of me, or teasing me/us, or whatever. Not that my friend’s the type. Still, I’m going to be clear on that.
Either way, looking forward to Sunday!
Ok, honest question… how do you start putting yourself out there again? I haven’t been on a date since before covid. I constantly hear that the apps are a waste of time and my hobbies don’t really lead to meeting new people.
Tonight is going to be a night of feels. I don’t do big parties but I feel weird being in alone on Halloween night. Then someone below posts some stupid IG real with the line from Everything Everywhere All At Once of “In another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.” and the lonesomeness really hit because, as someone who was in a (to me at the time) solid LTR that is the beauty of it; the mundane moments together.
THEN stupid little kids have to be cute trick or treating and while I’m not strong on my feelings one way or another on kids as it’s more important to find the right person I remember my childhood and I’m “supposed” to be here with my wife and we’ll take the kids door to door smiling as they smile and then we’ll both cuddle up next to our door handing out treats the rest of the night. But here I am not where I’m “supposed” to be and instead I’m a divorcee who should have known he picked the most selfish person in the world (my naivety called that “strong boundaries” on her part) and of course they cheat ao I’m going to put on a movie, alone, and cuddle up with my dog.
On the upside I have a date I’m scheduling so life ain’t all bad.
Well, things came to a head with the girl I went on one date with who was cagey about going out again. I asked her out again for this weekend and she said she was busy. I asked for next weekend and she said she wasn’t sure how she’d feel for next weekend so couldn’t commit.
I got up the nerve and asked her what changed and why she seemed less enthusiastic and willing to commit to meeting when she said she was excited to see me again just a little over a week ago. She said
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hesitant. My lifestyle and my personality make distance things really hard and that’s no one’s fault but my own. I had a good date and I enjoy talking to you though.”
She then asked if she could have the weekend to think about it. As for the distance, we live a 90 minute drive apart. But she’s known that from the jump so I’m not sure why it’s coming up now. I assume that’s not really the reason and she’s just using that as excuse to preserve my feelings. Idk what I’m doing wrong
It would be so much easier if I could convince myself I meant nothing to him in the end.
But you don’t keep a stupid Tupperware container if someone didn’t mean anything.
Currently straddling anger/bargaining. Ugh. I’m so mad. 😤
Happy Halloween to the DOT community and those who celebrate. It’s my personal favorite month and holiday of the year. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control including a death in the family, I was unable to fully participate this year in festive activities as I would’ve liked, but I did go to a Halloween party last weekend so that was something at least.
Last night I went to whats probably my last speed dating event of 2025. The events in my city keep their ratios small (15 men and 15 women) and sell out really fast. The host company has become so popular that they’ve branched off into other cities. It was Halloween themed and I usually have a good time at these things so I decided to give it one more go.
I knew something was up when they kept pushing out the start time. Originally it was supposed to begin at 7:00pm sharp but the hosts pushed it back till 7:45pm before it officially began. There were a lot of no shows and all were women. I figured since it was a Thursday and close to actual Halloween you’d get a couple, but it was a little jarring. Speaking with one of the hosts they were saying cancellations are common but with how popular they’ve become they never seen this many no shows before. For the men at least, it kinda made the vibe feel a little off. It was a decent time though. I wrote some names down on the match sheet and just got the results now. 3 total matches which is cool but the funny thing is the people I felt more of a vibe with I did not match with. The three names I received phone numbers for I remember being on the fence about. Funny how that works. I’ll give each a shot though, you never know what’ll happen.
When it comes to OLD, One thing I like to look for early on when I match with someone that I’m struggling to find these days is mutual curiosity. Lately it feels like I’m the one who ends up asking all the questions with the other person either giving one sentence or very short replies with not even a “how about you?” In return. If I’m the only one asking questions in an attempt to get to know you and there’s no signs of mutual interest, then I move on pretty quick. Personally I’m finding it very rare nowadays that people are mutually curious and it makes my wonder why you’d match with me in the first place.
I started dating someone at the start of this year and things were going great until July. He blindsided me with a break up and then did a push and pull of reaching out and wanting to work on things multiple times until I finally had enough.
This whole last month I really allowed myself to go through it. No talking to anyone else, no distractions from my emotions, crying multiple times a day, allowing myself to feel every emotion no matter how hard or where it lead. _Which sometimes lead me to a panic attack._ I also leaned in on my community, worked out, went to therapy, and journaled.
This week, I started feeling lighter and hopeful for the future. I look at my ex now and think “_My future husband would not treat me that way._” I was so scared at the idea that someone else would receive his love that I failed to realize that _I_ never even received it. I accepted bare minimum all because I felt validated in being chosen.
All this to say, if you’re going through a breakup, allow yourself to really go through it. Journal your heart out. Vent over and over in therapy (_at one point I was going twice a week_). Ground yourself with yoga or meditation.
Find healthy outlets, process the feelings, and trust that there are so many people out there who would be lucky to know you, that you haven’t even met yet.
Ok, unrelated to the other post, but: Have you guys ever experienced the “lean back” in dating, where the man you’re going out with starts off strong and then figuratively *leans back* so that you have to put in more energy than you did at first to get the same level of attention?
Wtf is that?? No. Nononononno. No. I’m not doing it. Consistent, sustained effort or nothing, baby boy.
(Mutters to self) *Lean back on my goddamn pristine expectations and romanticization of this experience, no sir. Who does he think he is, leaning back like a damn bred-in-captivity tiger lolling about while waiting for its dinner. No* sir.
Regarding Hinge, has been strange seeing so many more moderate or conservative political leaning woman’s profiles the past few months. I live in an area that is pretty liberal overall, so “moderate” is sort of considered to really mean conservative on dating apps. But this is something I haven’t seen the past few years. Most profiles were liberal or didn’t list a political affiliation, and occasionally I’d see some conservative/christian profiles (usually from out in the county). But it is definitely different now. Sign of the times I guess.
The social rejection lately has been pretty intense for me. Not just with dating but with friends not showing up the way I am doing for them (still going to keep being a good friend tho). I’m taking a break from actively trying to find dates; but did sign up for a singles event in a few weeks. Apparently it’s a rodeo theme so I will have fun finding my outfit.
What’s your best way of getting over a crush on someone you see regularly?
Hard to find interest in anyone else since my brain is kind of holding everyone up to the yardstick of this guy who checks all my boxes but doesn’t seem interested.
I went volunteering for the first time probably in my adult life yesterday.
The guy leading was a cutie…looked close to my age and I think there was some attraction between us. Believe me my default setting is that no one wants me butttt I could sense something more.
His name was a bit unique and I can barely remember it so no help there finding his social media. I could go back of course but I was only able to volunteer because I took a few days off work. So I’m not sure how soon I can go back (and if I did it wouldn’t be a whole shift).
Let’s say you were in this situation. How soon would you volunteer again without it seeming like you clearly want to see someone?
Ran a test on Hinge. I deleted my most popular pic: the bikini pic. After doing so, I got zero likes and was only shown unattractive men. Underwhelming finding: sex sells. I guess it also validates the “dating apps sort people into attractiveness buckets” theory. 🙁
People are really getting into the Halloween spirit with the amount of ghosting I’ve had recently.
First, the guy I’ve been seeing has slowed his response time and effort tremendously. I don’t know where we’re even going anymore. I’m so tired of this. I’m not sure he has time for me anyway. We have plans for the weekend, and he kindly offered to work his plans around seeing me after not responding to me for a day, but we are just not as emotionally close as I feel we should be at this stage. He is hard to read. I can’t tell if disinterest or just plain busy.
Second, I was chatting up a guy on Hinge and there was a lot of momentum initially (very lengthy message exchanges for about a week, sent a few times a day) and he suddenly stopped responding yesterday. I mean, it’s fine we’ve not met yet. I also do just enjoy having someone to text daily, so it never felt like a waste of time for me or anything.
Third, property manager/leasing agent disappeared on me. We’ve had schedule conflicts for tour dates, but have found a time that works for both of us. However, as soon as I asked him to pencil me in for that time slot, he stopped responding!
The guy I was seeing for 2 months and I used to text a lot everyday. Even before we met irl on Hinge we did. He set the pace. I liked it. It’s only been a couple days but it’s been so hard not having that anymore. He did me wrong, and the last thing communicated was he needs to reflect and look inward. So I dont want to reach out. (Well I do really bad tbh. But trying not to be weak). How long does it take to not wake up with a pit in the stomach that the phone is so quiet now?
Asian guy in his mid-40s says he’s looking for marriage. For a first date, he suggests coffee (which I don’t drink) and says he’ll pick a midpoint so it’s fair, but the place ends up being inconvenient for both of us. I don’t mean to judge, but shouldn’t someone who’s serious about marriage (and from the same culture) show a bit more of that gentleman effort? Any thoughts?
Is a girl who doesn’t want to hold hands just not into me?
Hey Reddit, I’ve (39M) liked this girl (41F) for a while and we’ve been hanging out — walks in the park, texting a lot, even spending time at my place. The last time we hung out, I went for my first small romantic move: trying to hold her hand. She didn’t go for it.
She said she’s rushed into things in the past and wants to take things slow. I told her that was fine — but honestly, isn’t hand-holding about as slow and innocent as it gets? I also don’t love feeling like I’m being punished for someone else’s past relationships.
So my question is: if a girl doesn’t even want to hold hands, is it fair to assume she’s probably just not that into me?
[Prior Comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1oj6wky/comment/nm477y8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Well, I spent yesterday just ignoring her and getting ready to purge. She ended up texting me randomly to clarify a minor detail in the last phone call we had, which really didn’t matter at all and went unanswered.
She ended up calling me later and tried to ask me how interviews were going with my layoff a few weeks ago. I cut through it and told her she just doesn’t get free access to me now that she’s broken things off.
For the next 4 hours I let her do it again….. Tell me how much she wants us to work, all the things that show she wants this and then made me force the “so I just need you to say you want this and you’re going to try.” To which she said, idk or panicked and said no in an unconvincing way. She then met it once more with “I need more time.”
I told her this was the last call, she had to choose because this has really started fucking with my feelings severely and I wasn’t going to let her do it in perpetuity. I told her I’d call her back in 5 minutes, I needed to go in the elevator anyways for my apartment would have dropped the call.
When she called back she confidently said “No, I gotta listen to my gut, there’s something wrong about you and my gut has always been right.” I dug into her for putting me through all this for 4 days if she was always going to side with this insane gut feeling. She decided it was a good time to tell me my last ex who blew up our relationship of 3 years by cheating on me with a married man who had kids and a wife with cancer, may have been onto something.
I broke down, I opened up the full door about how the person I loved the most harmed me in the most painful, unforgivable way and how hard it was to move forward from it. She was crying at the end of it, and I cursed her for weaponizing it.
I told her I needed to give her stuff back the next day, I wasn’t in the headspace to do it tonight. Unbeknownst to me she had ended up walking several miles to retrieve it as she was listening to me breaking down to do exactly that. She was shivering, distraught and alone in the middle of a dark city at midnight.
So I picked her up with the stuff and drove her back. She wanted a touch, some sort of physical reconciliation but I gave her none. She invited me in one last time to calm down, which I declined and then said that it was probably wise to calm down from all that in the presence of someone. She then retracted and went “It’s not a good idea, it’s just going to elongate things.”
So I pulled it together and drove back. I left her one last voicemail later wishing her the best in life and blocked her.
Today I’m still dealing with the aftermath, but boy a lot of me is accepting how stupid this entire situation was. Gonna skip tonight but go out for Halloween tomorrow and do my best to enjoy it
Cooler heads have prevailed.
Still, I’m throwing out the stone he gave me, lest I randomly find it in the future and start feeling bad things.
Had a virtual date (due to distance and schedule) with a guy last night. It was fine, no “sparks” but I think that’s good? He seems great, he’s consistent, I don’t feel anxious talking to him. My dumb gut of course says “no sparks, move on” but I’m pushing back and we’re going to meet up in person to see how it feels.
And then on the other hand, I still have a crush on a guy who is inconsistent, avoidant, has some dealbreakers. He’s nice, sweet, clearly into me, overall not a bad person, but I don’t think it would work. Dumb gut says “but maybe…”
Stupid dumb gut.