I (35F) have doubts about the age gap with my husband (55M)

33 comments

1. You being completely dependent on him is why you should start trying to leave. He’s hobbled you as a human.

2. I would start off with individual therapy before making any big decisions.

   Part of me wants to suggest an attempt at having a conversation with him about your turn. I’d hate for that to be the thing that gets him to react badly because he doesn’t appreciate the threat to his control, but I also think it’s possibly worth a shot? And either you can become independent enough to leave him or him supporting you might improve your relationship. Maybe something to discuss with a therapist.

3. Would he have anything to say if you said you wanted to go to therapy? If you were to update your training in the next few years and start working, even if it’s not a full fledged career, it could be a fulfilling job, would he be unhappy about that?

   I’m 35 and I restarted my life a few times, I’ve worked in different careers and, also based on this experience, I know I could start over in another sector if I wanted and I think you can get back into the workforce too, if that’s what you want. Of course me and you don’t have the time to become Olympic athletes or to study medicine, but opportunities are far from over.

   I dated a 23yo when I was 16. I had a feeling very similar to yours when I was 23. He was also a controlling partner, so this realisation led to me breaking up with him, although it took me 2y to do so. Given who he had showed me he was, that feeling was me realising he had chosen me for my age and my vulnerability, because controlling his partner was his way of controlling life.

   I think this is just the start of a wider reflection on your life.

4. Is therapy at all an option for you? You need somewhere safe to explore all of this and get it untangled and out of your head. This is a big, hard thing to cope with by yourself, otherwise. Also, you’re still SO young – you might be starting off on the back foot to right *now* be trying to begin your career or return to school or whatever it is you want to do, but I promise you, you’re not resigned to the choices you made at 21. You *can* do other things with your life, things you dreamt of – it’s just that the path to get there might be a little more complicated as a mom of 3 versus a 21 year old with no responsibilities.

5. I don’t think Reddit is the place to work this out. Sounds to me like you’re still stuck in trauma from way before him. We don’t get unstuck from this until work is done to do so. The trauma lives in the body and the energy needs to be moved out.

   At a certain age it starts itching and yeah you can question all decisions made while living like that because they’re not made always authentically or at least you can begin to wonder if they were. Some of course are.

   So, there’s a lot of grief it seems but also anger and it’s being directed at him but can be misplaced from before him . Honestly somatic experiencing would help sort all of this out. It allows you to help the body move the way it wanted to during traumatic events.

   Once in a more grounded place maybe you can start taking classes here and there or apply for a part time job?

   But please trust me that this trauma is itching to surface.

   I went through this and wondered if any decision I made would have been the same had I made it fully grounded. Some would have been different so I grieved and moved on, some I accepted fully.

   My point is it doesn’t sound like this is a case of the marriage being an issue as much as other events before the marriage possibly leading you to the safety of this one. And taking care of those events through SE can help expand your world .
   Good luck

6. >I’m completely dependent on him.

   This is the first thing to fix.

   I would suggest that retraining/refreshing your training in some way should be your immediate focus.  Your husband is 55, what are his retirement plans? How well funded is his retirement?
    You’re 35, you have 25 years before you reach 60, this is enough time to retrain and build a career.  I know this wont be easy with 3 kids, but your husband did say he would support you with this.  Let this be your first focus.

   How old is your youngest child?

7. 44 to a 21 yr old. That’s grooming.

8. you need to get into some counseling. there is a lot going on here for you to work through and reddit wont have all of the context or the therapy background to have the ability to help you the way you need. you need a real therapist who you can talk to and work through the things you can, and identify the things you cant before you sort out if you need to take any steps.

9. Being unhappy is more than enough reason to leave

10. I don’t think the ship has sailed on your career. At age 35, I wouldn’t be getting an Anthropology degree or something esoteric. But you still half your working life ahead of you. I’d research in demand fields that don’t require a ton of school that you could enjoy and pursue that. I graduated from grad school at age 33 and now I am a very experienced data scientist and I make enough to support myself and my daughter comfortably.

    You can’t stay in a marriage like this just because you have convinced yourself you can’t afford to leave. You are young enough to make a change.

    I agree you should go to therapy with your husband to help negotiate what it would look like for you to go back to school or reenter the workforce because it will take a lot of adjustment for everyone.

    If you have kids under 5, SAHM is a reasonable temporary phase of life and maybe you should just take a few classes at a community college until the youngest is in kindergarten. But if all your kids are in school, there is absolutely no reason why your husband should not support you.

    You will be more fulfilled, be bringing in income and properly preparing yourself for a potential future where your husband is dead or incapacitated before you reach retirement age.

    You should try to pursue a career first from WITHIN your marriage because it will be easier on you, even if you eventually do leave. If your husband will not support your career, then you should you leave (at the time and manner that works best for you) and also you will have gotten the (bad) answer about the age gap.

    Please don’t let a decision you wouldn’t make now that you made 15 years ago doom the rest of your life on earth (in reality you likely have more than half your life to live)

11. Therapy sounds like a solid first step. It’ll help you sort through your feelings and figure out the best path forward.

12. To show how crazy is this age gap, in my opinion, I’m 26 and my father is 49.

13. “I’m completely dependent on him” and THAT was his goal the whole time. He succeeded. But you’re 35 and you still have A LOT of time to build your life up again.

    Just because you were 20+ doesn’t mean grooming can’t happen. It just means the older one isn’t being a pedo by going for 13 and younger children. Power imbalances are a thing as well and that played a huge role with your age gap.

    I’m 27 and I know a lot of people around my age, and older (35+) who restarted their life multiple times. A lot of people my age don’t even know what to do, or if they do, they struggle to even find a job in what they’re interested in because the market is fked up. But what I’m saying is that it’s NOT TOO LATE for you. The ship has not sailed. Your ship has been docked and tied down the whole time, you just have to get on and untie it. Get a plan down.

    My question is, do you have a personal bank account and does he give you any money of your own to save? If he doesn’t, start on that. Not sure how old the kids are, but you can start by finding a part time job. And reach out to close friends and family for help.

    That’s exactly why the older one goes for the *much younger* one. They’re naive. They think they know it all, they think they won’t be one of those victims, but they will be, and they don’t realise it until much later.

14. Consider also posting this on ask women in their 40s. You are likely to get insights into how to start your career. It definitely is not over op.

    I think a good place to start would be reading about relationships.
    Consider reading *Why does he do that?* By Lundy Bancroft. Its free to download online.

    I scoff at the idea that people thought *you* were taking advantage of him.

    As a 35, would you date a 21 year old??

    I definitely think you were taken advantage of. And failed by the adults in your life.

    Consider also posting on a women’s sub.

    Please work on getting independent.
    In the meantime I would not bring it up to my husband. I’d work on being independent. And making sure I don’t get pregnant again.

15. I’m surprised not one person said anything to you when you were 21. You sounded incredibly vulnerable back then plus your age. It was a massive 🚩🚩🚩 for a 41 year old to date a 21 year old esp when you had ED and just got out of an abusive relationship. Plus you had kids so fast.

    You are still young enough to turn this around. Get a career, education and a life of your own.

    You have every right to be angry. You were robbed of your early adult years.

16. I don’t get why you can’t have a career now. 35 is still young! Is your husband unwilling to support you this way?

17. I am so sorry you had to miss out on life because of this. I’m a psychologist. Our brains don’t fully develop till we’re 25. The last part to develop is the one responsible for decision making, long term thinking. While you were an adult, you were barely figuring out adulthood, while your partner had already passed half of his life. It would not have been difficult to make you fall in love with him.

    My personal suggestion in your situation is for you to take your stand in your relationship. Start your career now. If you think 35 is late, it’s still earlier than 40. Take a stand. Share your housework and childcare. Don’t prioritize his feelings. I think you’ve already done 14 years of that. Start asserting yourself and begin to prioritize your life now. Once you begin to do that, even if you start your career, that’s going to make you feel empowered in a good way. Then, you will be in a better position to make any decision regarding your relationship.

18. That ick feeling is shared, I think we all look back and realize those older men had no business with us at our ages. It’s always predatory.

    Like everyone else said, start planning your exit. Train for work, make sure you’re covered financially through the process, discuss your options with a lawyer if you can. Basically do the long exit, no heads up either in case he gets bitter and vindictive. He’s got more financial power in this situation so you don’t want him swinging that at you while you get your legs under you.

19. I’m generally reluctant to suggest this on here, but I do think you should seriously consider therapy. For me there are three things,

    – Untangling your thoughts and concerns about the circumstances of you getting together. Therapy will help with this.

    – And that therapy will help you explore your current situation – do you want to be with this fella, or do you want something else.

    – And then there is the practicalities around leaving, if that’s what you decide to do. You can begin to put things in place now, so that you have options. Do you have family members or close friends who could support you if you do decide to take that step? Are there options around council/social housing should you decide/need to leave quickly (I don’t know what region you are in)? Are there local charities/organisations that could help you take that next step? What about options around jobs and how would you manage childcare? What would be the role of the father – in your region, is joint custody, financial support, etc. a possibility? How might a divorce settlement work – are you likely to benefit from a share of the assets? If you are able to get legal advice – do that, even if you don’t act on it – at least you’ll know what your options look like.

    My suggestion, in short, is that you begin to chunk up the things stopping you from leaving, and work through them one by one. Some are really daunting, but some will be manageable. And the danger, when you look at them as one big amorphous whole, is that it becomes near impossible to separate them out – and something that is, yep -challenging for sure, looks impossible.

    It’s not impossible. It is just tough and needs a plan.

    And I mean this really respectfully: you’re 35. Not 65. Your life is not over – you’ve decades ahead of you. And it may well be that your life cannot look as you imagined it at 17, but it can look better – and it can be good and enriching and rewarding. You are not the only person to have experienced a breakup in your thirties. Many, many people have bounced back and gone on to enjoy rich and happy lives.

20. You’re at the age now where you finally get how creepy it is to be someone your age or older and be in a relationship with a 21yo. They’re only technically adults. Functionally, compared to you or me or him they’re still children. Barely out of high school brains not fully formed absolutely ripe for abuse and predation. 

    Your husband preyed on you. It really sucks to realize that. I hope you find a way to become independent (get a job or go back to school if you can) and extricate yourself. 35 is NOT old and you have a lot of life left to live. Don’t spend it being trapped and dependent. 

21. You’re **only** 35. You’re literally still a baby yourself in the grand scheme of things.

    Your time to get “your turn” like he promised you is now.

    Start going to individual therapy, couples therapy later on if you still want to work on things.

    But the very first thing you need to do is get your independence back which means getting a job.

    You’re 35, you still have your entire life ahead of you.

22. How old are your kids? In your situation, I would honestly advise that you *not* tell your husband you’re considering leaving him. Pretend like you have no concerns whatsoever about his absolutely appalling choices and are just taking him at his earlier word: he’s approaching retirement age, your kids are becoming more independent and need less full time care, and the obvious and natural thing to do now as a household is for you to go back to school. What you want is for him to feel that it is *selfishly beneficial for him* if he pays for you to finish your education (complete whatever you were partway through, ideally get a masters degree at least) because then you can work and pay for stuff while he retires.

    (and then when you get a high paying job you divorce him.)

23. I’m older than you and it definitely was not an era thing where it was accepted, cuz that’s a huge ass gap. If nobody around you said anything it means you were surrounded by people who did not care enough to get past their discomfort or indifference or whatever, to care for your wellbeing. Which makes sense cuz most 21 year olds would not be dating someone twice her age without some major emotional issues, normally caused by neglectful parenting. So this is really unfortunate but not surprising. Please start living for yourself, take care of yourself pls.

24. As others have said, it’s not too late to start a career. I completely changed mine at 39 and things have dramatically improved for me

25. Back then? It was 14 years ago. 2011. Views on the age gap were NOT different in 2011. Maybe in 1811.

26. >Nobody barely said anything to me about it, not even friends or family. If anything, people were worried that /was taking advantage of him. I really did believe age was just a number at the time

    It sounds like your friends and family aren’t the best people because you only mention them here in this entire post. Do you have a support network outside your husband?

    >and I was fresh out of inpatient ED therapy AND an abusive relationship, so overall in a really vulnerable place (even though wouldn’t have admitted it at the time

    So you went from one abusive relationship to a slightly better abusive relationship is what it sounds like. Your current husband saw an opportunity to take advantage of a woman who was barely an adult.

    >He got very serious about us very quickly, we moved in within a few months and started talking about kids about a year in.

    Regardless of age gaps, this is just weird. With the context of you being just out of inpatient treatment and an abusive relationship, you were taken advantage of sounds like because you had nowhere to go. And he went from a 12-year gap of not wanting kids to suddenly wanting kids to baby trap you. You are currently trapped in this relationship with 3 kids. Who’s idea was it to have kids?

    >Knowing what I know now at 35, and also looking at 21-year-olds today (who look like children to me), I’m getting this uncomfortable gut feeling that I can’t fully grasp yet.

    You definitely grasp the situation but don’t want to come to terms with where you are right now. It sounds like you’ve known for a long while that your relationship isn’t right. Your now husband went after a very vulnerable young adult who had nowhere else to go.

    Do you have anyone outside of your husband that you talk to or are close with? I would talk to them. Maybe also go talk to a therapist to unpack your thoughts. IMO, you’re in an abusive relationship where the only person that can save you is you. Wishing you luck.

27. That feeling is your subconscious trying to tell you something. It won’t go away no matter what you do, you need to learn to listen to it. I promise if you ignore it, it will get worse and eat away at you.

28. You’re 35 not 65. You’re still plenty young enough to go to school and start a brand new career. There’s only you stopping yourself from going forward.

    Time to sit your husband down and tell him it’s your turn now, you want to go back to school and start at looking at a career now the kids are older.

    I did it in my mid 30’s back in the 90’s. I did have a nursing qualification, but it was basic. I went back to college, improved my qualifications and started moving up the NHS ladder here in the UK. When I retired a few years ago I was a very senior manager.

    It can be done

29. Ok look. People are gonna harp on the age gap, and they should because double/half your age is a lot. But I’m sure that will be covered, so I am not going to. I know one couple with your guys’ exact timing and age gap (sexes reversed) and they love each other and are one of the best couples I know, but at 45 snd 65, it’s different than 21 and 41. Age is more than a number. It changes as the years go by.

    I also think it’s normal when you’re around your/our age (I’m just a couple years older than you) to mourn what could have been. I adore my husband, like head over heels love him like the sun, and I also had a phase of kind of just thinking about what ifs. What if I pursued my career more seriously and didn’t settle down? What if I pursued art? What if I blah blah blah what if what if potential what if blah blah. 35 is a normal age to do that. Potential and time are no longer boundless. Starting over means something different now than it did 5 years ago, and certainly 10 years ago.

    You gotta separate your feelings about getting older and your unrealized career potential from your feelings about your husband. These are two separate things. Do you think he acted in a predatory way? Are you upset that he got with you at your respective ages? Do you regret your life with him? Have you two discussed this? Have you discussed the future and what it looks like for each of you?

    Separately examine: why do you have these feelings about career stuff? Do you want to pursue a career now? Do you think (like much of society does) that you have somehow contributed nothing because you raised kids instead of putting in time at an office? (Please do not tink that; work is cool but raising kids is also cool). What can you do now to pursue your career? Do you want the career you were working on before, or a new one that you’d like to study for? Why tf has the ship sailed when your kids are no longer toddlers (I assume)? Even if they are, I thought it was your turn now I think? When is he going to retire? Was he saying you would have “your turn” in FORTY YEARS? (because if so, that’s bad management on all yalls part). So what’s stopping you? His career? Cool he is a dad so he can also do dad stuff; it’s not impossible for him to handle soccer practice and school lunches.

    I think you have to go back to work in some capacity, even if you start small. You resent him because you thought you had more to offer to the world than raising children (and frankly, I will assert that raising good children is one of the literally best and most admirable things a person can do, seriously. Thank you unless you did a bad job). But you absolutely cannot feel this way and be dependent on him financially. That was not the agreement. You find work, or you start school, or whatever. He can dad for a while, and you can both work on that together, or you guys can hire a nanny and all work on it together. Go do your shit before this blows up. And if you do nothing, it WILL blow up.

    Also you sound like you think you are so old. Stop that. Imagine being 80 years old and being able to time travel back to THIRTY FIVE. Would that not be the most amazing gift? Ok cool here’s the gift: you’re 35. You’re young again. Do what you need to do to be fulfilled and happy.

30. My mom went back to school at 35 with two small kids to be a teacher. It ended up being her calling and she worked for 25 years before getting sick and having to retire. You are so young, you still have your life in front of you!!

31. 21 is just barely an adult and I can guarantee you people would have been very concerned about your age gap 14 years ago. Just not the people in your life and I’m really sorry for that.

    The ship hasn’t sailed on your career, you can still make great strides and you have a lot of years left to work.

    As for your feelings for your husband – therapy.

32. Go see a therapist.

    You sound like you’re paralyzed with indecision and are looking for excuses to do nothing.

    His retirement age = you at 45. So don’t you have another 10 years before your target age to start your career?

    At any rate, your kids are old enough to put them in afterschool programs. Time to get an entry level job and build towards whatever career goal you have.

33. > Back then, the public opinion on age gap relationships was decidedly different than it was today.

    It was 14 years ago. (2011!) It wasn’t the stone age. There was not a significant difference between the opinion of then and now. Just because no one said anything to you doesn’t mean they didn’t think it.