I (29F) and my husband (29M) have been together for 10 years and married for 1. Lately, we’ve been arguing about household responsibilities — but for me, it’s less about chores and more about feeling appreciated.
He often tells me that I should be grateful he helps around the house because he’s the “breadwinner.” I do appreciate everything he does, but I also work full time — 10 to 12 hour shifts, 5 days a week, as a pet groomer. I handle most of the cooking, cleaning, dishes, and general organizing at home. He handles laundry more often, manages the yard and finances, and does most of the grocery shopping.
The grocery part has mostly fallen to him because we’ve been sharing one car. We moved from Philadelphia about two years ago, and until recently, I didn’t have my driver’s license (I used to be really anxious about driving). I finally got my license last week and am now looking for my own car, which will let me help more with errands and take some things off his plate.
Still, when I try to explain that while I’m thankful for what he does, I also deserve gratitude for working and keeping up with the home, it turns into an argument. He takes it as me being ungrateful or trying to “one-up” him, which isn’t what I mean at all. I just want mutual appreciation — not a scoreboard.
How can I bring this up in a way that helps him see that appreciation should go both ways, without it turning into another fight?
TL;DR:
29F married to 29M for 1 year (together 10). My husband says I should be grateful that he helps around the house since he’s the main earner, but I also work full time and handle most housework. I just want him to understand that gratitude should go both ways — how can I communicate that without starting another argument?