Hi everyone,
I (25F) married my husband (26M) earlier this year after being together for 6 years. We just had our first baby — he’s 3 months old — and recently moved into a new apartment. Everything (the wedding, baby, and move) happened this year, and while it should’ve been exciting, I’ve been feeling miserable for a long time.
When we first started dating, he didn’t really want much to do with me. That should’ve been a red flag, but I loved him and was completely infatuated. At the beginning, I felt used but stayed because I thought things were improving. But now, he never wants to do anything together. We don’t even take pictures as a couple anymore.
Before we got married, he cheated on me multiple times — with both a man and a woman. I should’ve left then, but he gaslit me into staying. Even when I was 6 months pregnant, he was texting other people. I should’ve left again, but I didn’t.
Now, he supports us financially since I’m not working, but that’s where his help ends. When I ask for help with our son, I get comments like, “You only give him to me when it’s convenient for you,” even when I just need to shower after three days. When I cook and he’s “watching” the baby, he’ll say “he’s hungry,” but won’t actually make a bottle until I tell him to. When he does, he often leaves my breast milk out or spills it everywhere. One time, I came home from dinner to find multiple bags of frozen milk ruined on the counter. I’m already struggling to produce milk, and he refuses to buy formula because “you have boobs.”
He’s also told me I “don’t have a job,” like taking care of our baby 24/7 isn’t one.
He comes home from work, barely talks to me, spends hours on the phone, goes outside to garden, then to the pool, eats the dinner I made, and goes to bed. He leaves his plate out, goes to the gym, spends a long time doing his hair, and leaves his stuff everywhere. I wouldn’t mind him having self-care time if he also cared about me or our son — but he doesn’t. Meanwhile, I can barely find time to shower or eat properly.
I want to work again, but I don’t trust him with our son overnight. He’s made disturbing comments in his sleep when the baby cried, and it scared me. I’ve been applying for remote jobs but haven’t had any luck, and I’m sinking into debt. I hate depending on him financially. I’ve always worked, and I miss feeling independent.
I cry almost every day. Maybe some of this is postpartum, but honestly, I’ve been unhappy for years. I think we both know we’re not compatible, but we kept forcing the relationship to work.
I’m not from here, and I don’t have family or friends nearby. That’s what makes leaving so hard. I feel completely stuck and alone.
How do I leave with no money and no support? Do I stay until I save something? Or am I just prolonging my own unhappiness? I don’t want to live like this anymore.
TL;DR:
TL;DR:
I’m in an unhappy, neglectful marriage after having a baby and feel trapped with no money or family nearby. My husband doesn’t help, disrespects me, and I want to leave but don’t know how.
26 comments
Do you truly have no support? Or are their friends or family members who would be able to support from a distance?
Oh sweetheart, you grab your precious baby & run home to family, wherever they are. Lean on the people who love you.
Your helpless infant is *not* safe; you are your child’s only protector. You have no margin for error, my love.
You must leave. Now.
If you don’t have family you can fall back on, this is exactly what shelters for domestic violence are for.
What would it take to get you home to your family? Is it a few hour drive or a different country or what?
Even if they’re far I think reaching out to them would be the best move forward. If they can help you financially, help you get you and baby come back home, or even just having someone in your corner that you can talk to is gonna help.
You need out of that marriage now , does`t sound like he`s treating you or the baby very well , contact your family they will help you come up with flight money to get home , the spoiled breast milk is a control move …. if there isn`t any food for the child you can`t leave him alone with the baby.
Seek a counselor and attempt to provide time for you to be alone each day for a few hours to separate from child and the husband for mental health. A man will rise to the occasion when the women is gone. Your husband making “crazy” remarks while being tired about a baby crying is normal from either spouse for the first few years. It’s exhausting being a parent, you both will adapt with time.
You stay and I fear there could be a chris watts situation that arises. I couldn’t stay even if the comments about the baby were even just slightly disturbing.
Leave girl talk to your family get out of there
He won’t “let” you buy formula for your baby and you are struggling to produce enough milk? First of all that’s financial abuse second of all is there any question that your baby may not be getting enough to eat because of him?? Does he want his kid to have developmental disabilities????? That is physical abuse of an INFANT.
Take the baby, and go back home to the family.
Go on a trip to visit your family (take the baby) – and never go back. Don’t tell him that’s your intention before you file for divorce.
In which country do you live now? It would be easier to direct you to support groups.
Talk to a lawyer. You need to know how much he’ll owe you in support after you divorce. You can support yourself if you work and find some affordable housing and childcare. Don’t let him shirk responsibility. Do some homework now.
This seems written by AI
I felt stuck like this for a very long time, always putting off the actually leaving because the idea of going out there and starting over again on my own after almost 14 years was scary af, even though the relationship had been over for ages and the situation was absolutely miserable. Fortunately;y we didnt have kids, but there were shared pets and all kinds of other entanglements and enmeshment. Therapy was super helpful and i cant credit it enough with helping me to come to my senses and just bite thee bullet and go through with it.
Not even a year later im absolutely thriving in so many ways, it was extremely scary and stressful and there were some hard and unpleasant moments, but its been so worth it, and my only regret is not doing it sooner and spending so much time out of my life just wasting away. You can do it, this is no way to live and youre still very young and have tons of time to get yourself back on track
You put up with more red flags than a communist country. You continued to commit to him.
But, you’ve finally had enough, AFTER you had a baby….
Smh
It doesn’t sound like your husband doesn’t really wants to be in this marriage. Have you tried sitting down with him and asking him where he sees you two in 5 years? If he’s not happy, ask if it would be better for you two to work together to make a plan for you to become financially independent and co-parent. Is it safe to have this conversation with him? What does he say in his sleep that has you concerned about your son? Why do you need a night time job? Can you get daytime job and find a daycare provider? If you need a degree/skillset to be able to afford a better job, this is a great time to pursue it. Good luck, Op.
I was going to suggest it might be PPD, but the fact he cheated multiple times is enough to walk away right now. Nothing else needs to be said.
Does he let you have access to any money at all?
I’ve seen all of these signs and been thru them and still stayed. I knew it was wrong to stay. But after 19 years of dealing with it I left. I feel like I cheated myself wasting all of those years. You should definitely leave. I have a daughter that’s your age and I would hate to see this happen to her. Where are you located? You can message me and I’ll help you with when I can!! God bless you!! You can do this I promise. You don’t even know how truly strong you are u til it’s time to be strong. Please don’t hesitate to message me🤞🏽🙏🏾❤️
Your husband is a gay man living life as a married bi-sexual male. He doesn’t love you and is frankly only using you to cover for what he really wants, “another man.” You can call any domestic abuse hotline in your state/town, and they will help you make a plan to get out of the situation. I wish you luck and pray you find your happiness!
He cheated on you and you still had a kid with him?
Take this man to the cleaners. I’m not being a vengeful woman, but your life would be easier without him. Mentally as well. Seems like he has tons of leisure. He can get a second job.
My heart hurts for you 💔
I truly don’t believe women tolerate this kind of shit… Is he the most beautiful man on Earth!? Why on Earth…
Do you think your husband will allow you to go on a holiday with the baby to visit your family back home?