I’m 24, introverted, living in Canada, and honestly dating apps are killing me. I’ve matched with people but every time I try to message, I don’t know how long to wait before asking to meet IRL. I hate seeming desperate, and so I usually get ghosted.
I really suck at approaching random people in real life too. Low self-esteem, clueless about what to say, how to flirt. It’s like women on dating apps my age just want attention or validation, not a real relationship. I don’t do FWB or sex talk, so I don’t get why it happens.
Every time there’s a brief hope after matching, it ends without a meet-up and I’m left hating myself for failing again. Never felt so demoralized in my life.
Are there ways to date as a shy guy without feeling completely crushed every time?
For women it literally seems do easy to get matches, yet no matter how much "self-improvement" and "focusing on your hobbies and life goals" you do as a guy, it doesn't seem to get better from what I've read online.
23 comments
Bro the waiting game is what’s killing you – honestly just ask to meet up after like 3-4 decent messages back and forth. Most people who are actually looking to date will appreciate you not wasting time with weeks of texting
The self-improvement stuff isn’t BS but it’s more about confidence than anything else. When you’re genuinely busy with stuff you enjoy you come across way less desperate because you literally have other things going on
Also maybe try Hinge over Tinder/Bumble if you haven’t already, seems to have more people actually looking for relationships instead of just ego boosts
Honestly, fuck dating apps. I quit them like a year ago, no point. Most women aren’t even active there.
Like you said, I suck at approaching people but I want something real. Who tf doesn’t, right? I’m not into hookups. I already deleted all the apps.
Now I try dating convo simulator sites, like chatvisor, just running through flirting scenarios, practicing conversations. Try to get more confident without freezing up. Then I’m gonna actually go out and meet people in real life, clubs, events, whatever. Just talk to people.
That’s like the real start. You gotta take that first step bro!
Do any of your hobbies allow you to interact with the opposite gender? You could try meeting people naturally that way since you already know going in you have an interest in common. Maybe join a local club and or take up a hobby done by both genders
If you’re aware enough to notice “it’s not getting better” than you’re not truly focused enough on your hobbies and life goals.
There’s not enough detail her in your post to discern what’s going wrong. However, I agree that the apps suck for many reasons, here’s just one of many well-thought-out videos as to the inherent issues with for-profit dating: [https://youtu.be/7J1lxTwvzZE?si=o-uDHjI3RyJB__Dx](https://youtu.be/7J1lxTwvzZE?si=o-uDHjI3RyJB__Dx)
You are more likely to have success off the apps, as they can be a self-fulfilling propechy – the people with the least interest/success in dating tend to run rampant on bespoke dating services. New goal: Try to meet as many people as possible, in the real world all genders, with no expectation beyond acquaintanceship or even a single conversation. If you don’t know what to say to a potential date, chances are you struggle to converse in general. This is perfectly okay, it’s a learnable skill you can improve at.
Normalize chatting, getting to know people, and (most importantly) *listening*.
Outside of this, self-hatred/demoralization is a dangerous spiral and also not sexy.
To address your last line again, REALLY work and focus on your self-improvement. Try out talk/group therapy if you are able, or even just delve deep into a personal interest or something you know you are great at, something that consistently makes you happy and proud of yourself.
If the urge to date is cropping up as a footnote at the bottom of every nice thing you do for yourself, you are still visibly clinging to reliance on another person to complete you.
Codependence is not a dirty word, in fact, it’s healthy and crucial for human fulfilment. That said, self-confidence is palpable, attractive, and more often than not must come from within.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. Dating apps really fast swipes and quick replies or nothing. Getting ghosted doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, it’s just how the apps work now.
I honestly feel like dating would be way less stressful if you could just chat normally first and let the app learn who you are — your style, your humor, what you care about — and then match you with someone who actually vibes with that. Not just a swipe based on photos, but a match based on how you naturally talk and connect.
Honestly they’re shit
I was using them for 3 years
Tinder – matched about 15 times, 10 just never responded or ghosted after first message, 2 turned into pen pals skirted around the meeting up bit. 2 I met dated one ghosted the other I still talk to but patchy. 1 was an utter psycho
Bumble – matched about 4 times, never met anyone most just never initiated a conversation.
Hinge – matched about 3 times, met all of them nothing ever came of it.
Out of all of them hinge was better, fewer matches but better quality
The paid for apps, eHarmony, match etc I have had matches and although I’m not still dating any of them they’re normal and are still friends.
So if you can pay for one like eHarmony if you can’t hinge. That’s if you really must
I’ve given up to life of a hermit it’s safer 🤣
I dated a lot for 6 months in 2024, in Canada too by the way, and it was very easy and fun for me. Honestly, probably the best time of my life. But I worked for it. I used to be an ugly shy kid in high school and just as boring and bland as everybody else. And drop games. Behaving like a child is not attractive to anybody. Women have mentioned many times how they enjoy my maturity. I’m “unconventional” because I tell them when I have a good time or when I want to see them again.
Your #1 issue is your endless and crippling overthinking. You keep the vicious cycle going without doing anything about it. And just so it’s clear for you, a dating app’s main purpose is to date. Women a minimum stable and intelligent are expecting to be asked out. Everybody enjoys laughing so do try to be fun. Avoid any sort of negativity when chatting. I asked women out with my first message and it worked a lot. Just say something dumb and simple like “Hey, wanna have a drink and see if we can stand each other?”. Even if they don’t agree to a date right away, it’s a good ice breaker and starts the conversation well. Do try to make your profile interesting in a way.
Think of one thing you absolutely hate about yourself. Now change it. It’s as simple as that. What do you think your ideal partner/women would like that you also might enjoy? Try it out. Etc. Once you become good at many things you gain a natural confidence. It goes for personality, hobbies, hygiene, clothing, skills, etc. Become the best version of yourself.
What even is your problem with sex talk though? Do you mean that you’re asexual? Or do you mean that it actually comes up on your lil chats before you even had a first date? I’ve had sex with most of my first dates and my secret was to never mention it. Sometimes we’d allude to it, we always flirt and we’d get handsy but never talk about it. So it does not matter. As I tell my girlfriend sometimes, this is a problem of your own making. It’s up to you to just stop.
>I really suck at approaching random people in real life too. Low self-esteem, clueless about what to say, how to flirt. It’s like women on dating apps my age just want attention or validation, not a real relationship.
How would you describe a real relationship? I would have assumed attention and validation are two of the most important things in a relationship, because what is a relationship without those two things?
Also if you suck at approaching random people in real life and you have low self-esteem, then you are at level 0 and dating is like level 5. So you need to work on yourself first, probably in therapy with a professional. Because if you can’t find value in yourself, then it’s not realistic to expect others to find value in you too. If you jump into a relationship thinking that it’s magically going to solve all your problems and raise your self-esteem, well that’s called a co-dependent relationship and it’s toxic. Your self-worth starts with you, and not you depending on other people to make you feel better about yourself.
You do matter. And you do have worth and value. You have potential for growth. You just need to work on finding out why you can’t see that right now. And when you are able to love and accept who you are, it will make it so much easier for others to also love and accept who you are too. When you are able to socialize and make friends and learn boundaries will you be in a much better position to be dating. (this coming from an autistic dude and lots of therapy)
Separate mention. OkCupid. A lot of matches. But most are either outside Canada, or single mums, or looking for sugar daddy, or all 3 at the same time.
Maybe try as a chat practice.
Screw the dating apps, real connections are made outside – in the real world.
Have you tried any hobby groups? Cooking classes etc, where communicating with others is natural.
You’re not being dramatic or weak for feeling crushed you’re being honest about what it’s like to put yourself out there and keep getting nothing real back. Dating apps can be brutal especially for introverted guys who actually want connection not performative banter or short-term attention. It’s this weird modern thing where you can technically “meet” hundreds of people but still feel more invisible than ever.
You’re right it is easier for women to get matches but that doesn’t mean it’s easier for them to find something meaningful either. The whole system trains people to treat each other like options not individuals. So if you’re the kind of person who values sincerity it’s completely normal that this environment feels unnatural and demoralizing.
You’re not broken for struggling with this. You’re just someone who wants something genuine in a place that often rewards surface-level noise. The fact that you’re reflecting deeply that you’re self-aware and not trying to fake some persona that already puts you miles ahead of most.
About the timing there isn’t a perfect “formula” for when to ask to meet. Usually, it’s better to build even a tiny bit of real comfort first like two or three good back-and-forth exchanges that show mutual interest and then suggest something casual and low-pressure. You could say something like “You seem really easy to talk to would you be up for grabbing a coffee this week?” It’s not desperate it’s direct and respectful. People who want a real connection will appreciate that.
I also get that the deeper issue isn’t just logistics it’s the emotional toll. Rejection, ghosting all the dead ends they make you start questioning your worth. Just remember every failed connection doesn’t mean you failed as a person. It means you crossed paths with someone who wasn’t aligned with what you want. That’s it.
If you can try to make small real-world opportunities that fit who you are not forced “pickup” situations. Maybe a community group, language class, volunteering or a shared-interest club. Those spaces let people see you as you not just a profile picture. It’s slower but it’s more real and for someone like you that’s where you’ll shine.
You don’t have to become some ultra-confident extrovert or master flirt. You just need to keep showing up as a kind curious person who’s trying and that’s already something to be proud of.
Just match and send a message and move on
Don’t take everything personal
It’s a numbers game
Stay far away from eharmony!!! Do a google search check out the lawsuit and read their Trustpilot! I didn’t read the fine print and made a $600 mistake I tried to cancel hours later and they won’t let me out of the contract. It is a straight up scam! Learn from my mistake!!!
Honestly, as a shy 24-year-old, the fastest way to **stop feeling crushed** is to Reduce time on apps, Focus on **meetups in real life** where shared interests naturally start conversations**, Ask for IRL meetups sooner** rather than prolonging app messaging.
Too many people use “focusing on yourself” “Self-improvement” as a catalyst for dating. Or a step they need to take before they’re allowed to date. The truth is, if you want to enjoy dating, you have to enjoy being single.
So many people I know complain about how much dating sucks etc. I love it, I’ve never had more fun in dating than I do now(25m).
Spend time to figure yourself out. Focus on your career, read about it, or get involved in community affairs, volunteering, athletics, writing, learn a second language. The world is at your fingertips.
You have to exercise your social muscles if you want to find someone, otherwise you’ll settle for whomever falls into your life. That doesn’t mean you suddenly become the life of the party, but start conversations, talk to old friends, call your parents.
as a girl 21f, i hate dating apps. This year my friends told me to try it, I did, experience was eh. I talked with few guys but later they all just wanted hookup 😒never going back again!
yeah dating apps are a nightmare now lol. everyone’s burnt out or chasing validation. best move? meet people through stuff you actually enjoy — gym, classes, volunteering, whatever. shared vibes beat swipes every time. also, stop overthinking the “when to meet” thing — if convo flows, just ask. confidence reads way better than waiting games 💀
I mean I matched with someone the other day who gave a two word response to my sent comment. I asked her one question she answered and then I suggested a day and place to meet. She said she’d love to meet me after getting off work. So I set up a reso and dropped something slightly flirty about looking forward to Friday (date day) and having a feeling it’d be a fun night. Long story short she latched onto the flirty comment just a little and ended up opening up a lot last night telling me things about herself. All I’m trying to point out is that there’s no right sequence for setting these things up. Just got to feel the vibe and make a judgement call. I noticed she was very bland with the interaction in the beginning so I said f it and suggested a date, why not 🤷♂️. Date is set and we’ve now had a good conversation so things are good. Also, you don’t necessarily want to do sex talk right off the bat but do be flirty, everybody feels good when they feel wanted
27F here dating apps suck for us too. More matches does not mean more real options. Honestly, ask to meet sooner and do not overthink it. If they ghost, they were not interested in the first place. Being introverted is not a flaw the right person will appreciate your vibe. Just keep trying, you are not doing anything wrong.
Dating apps are money-sucking scam, I think it’s everyone’s secret. Bots, attention and validation seekers, even prostitutes.
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Meetups aren’t any better. I went to one last weekend and one guy showed up, the other two were the organizers of the meetup so I don’t count them.
You do stuff? You meet people while doing stuff and tlak to them?