Went through a nasty divorce. Ex cheated and tore me to pieces emotionally on the way out. How long did it take you guys to really heal? I’m at a year now. And I’m still struggling way more then I though I would be at this point.
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Just stopping by to commiserate. I’m in the process of divorce. We are in the same house. It’s absolutely brutal. I’ll never be the same from the damage this relationship has done to me. But hopefully one day I’ll be okay and I hope that comes soon for you.
It will all vary from person to person we are all different. Have you done any counseling? I am not divorced but a widower and a counselor helped a lot.
About a year and a half.
My psychologist told me to give myself a month for every year we were together. This meant 20 months, but it took 4 years. I think, in the end, it’s different for everyone. Just trust your feelings.
I’m at 3 months officially, 20 months apart, knew she was going to file for about 4 years. There’s a adjustment period to get you day to day figured out. The one thing that I’ve realized is that she was a repetition of behavior that I had accepted for many, many years. I wrote down all the disagreements. slights and issues from her and other women as well as bosses and family members. At the top of the page I simply wrote in large block letters….”I Chose…”
3 years. It was brutal. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Exercise. Get involved in activities …I recommend pickleball to everybody. You will forget your troubles for those two hours and make new friends. Find something creative to do where you can immerse yourself for hours at a time; woodworking, ai video,development, write a book, paint. …. Good luck to you.
I’m just about 4 years out of my divorce. Co-parenting with my ex is challenging, learning how to assert my boundaries with her has caused a lot of friction, but has ultimately been good for me. Done some dating, had a bit of a hoe phase, almost at the point where I want to start dating for real again. I’ve got back into things I really enjoy, team sports, running and hiking, to help find someone new, but nothing promising yet.
Is it hard? Absolutely, but I’m on the upswing and gaining confidence all the time.
I got divorced about a year ago. It was UGLY!
And I’m genuinely getting to a point where I’m grateful for it.
To reach this point I have seen the same male therapist through the whole process. I have joined supportive groups of guys, lots of gym and self improvement, maintained no contact. Among other changes.
This too shall pass, keep your head up homie and find a supportive community. There is happiness on the other side if you work for it!
Define heal?
Been 5 years since my ex stripped everything off me in a cruel emotionally destroying seperation.
I have NO desire to be with women anymore. The sight of their naked body is nausea triggering. Hell it took me 2 years to stop wanting to cut my face.
6 months. I kind of knew that.
What I needed to do was go out and enjoy life again. Make new friends and have a new group to fill my life up with joy.
Find joy. Find women. Get away from her and whatever that was. It’s over
For me? Im 6 months poat divorce. I think it’ll be about anothr 6 months before im truly ready.
Like many have said, it depends.
My divorce was amicable enough we didnt fight over any of the major things but it was brutal emotionally.
5+ years. Still healing – getting there slowly.
I developed really bad depression/anxiety – despite not having a history of those prior to marriage. So dealing with that was messy.
I think you need to also redefine “healing” away from the social media/movie sort of understanding. You will likely always carry this with you to some level, but managing it is possible. Like a chronic medical condition – which I guess is apt given the ways divorce typically shortens lifespan etc.
My divorce experience was odd because the separation started right before Covid became a thing so I dealt with both major life changes at the same time and it’s tough to know when I actually felt “healed”. But I don’t think I stopped giving a F about my ex until we had respectively moved in with our now-spouses. She bailed on the marriage to be with the person who’s now her husband and I got remarried a few months ago, and we’re both much happier than we ever were in our own marriage.
So all I can suggest is mourn but don’t dwell. The main thing this whole shitty, cathartic experience showed me was that life is short and it’s a waste of time to spend any of it unnecessarily sad or angry. You can’t change the past but you can move on.
Also are you doing therapy? I jumped into it right away and it was a savior for my sanity. I can’t imagine the anger I’d still be holding on to without proper guidance and avoiding misconceptions I had when the ordeal started.
Define heal? It’s been 11 years for me, was married to someone else for 7 years after, have a new partner for the last 3 years and I still miss the bastard
Took me a couple years. The first step that really felt freeing was taking off my ring and throwing it into the ocean, which I did about a week after I filed. After a year or so, I was on a camping trip and planned a hike, which was something we’d always done together but I hadn’t done since the split. I was expecting it to hurt, but it didn’t. I actually enjoyed it so much more than I used to. And eventually I realized that it’s okay to keep the good memories without holding onto the bad, to miss the good parts of them even if that’s not who they are now.
Though I guess the part that REALLY put in some work was when one of her friends told me that she came out as a lesbian to her family about a year after the divorce was final. I had mostly healed by that point anyway, but suddenly realizing it WASN’T my fault? That there really WASN’T anything I could have done differently to fix things? It felt like I was floating.
Most divorced people get remarried within 5years. WHY? If you got burned once, why would you do it again. Just the financial problems would be devastating. Just wondering…..
After a decade of marriage, I healed very quickly, about 2-3 months after the separation. I had it easy because it was such a long time coming. The divorce was mutual and amicable, and she didn’t come after any of my stuff; we just walked through the house and she pointed out what was hers and I packed it up for her.
I also got in a nice relationship within a month that helped me rediscover that I’m lovable and desirable, and I cannot overstate how important that was. Unfortunately it turned out to just be a rebound, and I ended up breaking her heart. Not proud of that.
My first marriage was in a 4 year relationship where she left w a woman 1 month after the wedding. I dunno if that made it better or worse. She blamed me somehow. I internalized a lot of it. I think I was maybe really healed like 3ish years later. I thought I was at like 1 year, but not really.
I’m not the same before that break and never will be. A bit of a death of some kind of innocence. I’m wiser for it. Softer for it. But also less youthfully joyous.
You’ll heal. You won’t be the same. You won’t even want to go back to “before”. You want to get through to whatever’s new through the other side.
I haven’t been on a date since 2013 when my last bf cheated on me…
Sorry to hear that, truly, it must have been and still painful to go through.
But the “issue” was way before that ever happened.
Because you need to ask yourself why did you overlook all the red flags, why not have boundaries and assertiveness?
Why not have self-worth and not tolerate any type of outlandish disrespect?
You can see this as a negative, or you see this as a flashlight being shone for you on the brightest settings.
What type of lessons can you learn from this so you can bounce back stronger, smarter, and more resilient?
You’re struggling because of the unspoken stories you tell yourself. It’s comes from a place of disempowerment, once you learn the lessons you need and start to rewrite the story you want (and deserve).
That’s when you can stop struggling, and start living.
Wife #2.
Two years later I’m maybe 60% healed
Had a bad breakup with someone I really cared and loved about 10 years ago after being together for 3ish years. Haunts me to this day, even after having other relationships after.
It took me a year. We had 2 young kids at the time. I hit the gym, bought a Harley, went to the bars and hooked up with a different chick every weekend. Eventually met one I stuck with. We’ve now been married 12yrs and going strong
What do you considered healed? Like completely over the damage she did, or just ready to borrow some friction from a stranger? I imagine you may never fully get over a divorce that includes the words “cheated and tore me to pieces emotionally”. But you should be good to let a stranger try and fix you in a few months.
26 comments
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Just stopping by to commiserate. I’m in the process of divorce. We are in the same house. It’s absolutely brutal. I’ll never be the same from the damage this relationship has done to me. But hopefully one day I’ll be okay and I hope that comes soon for you.
It will all vary from person to person we are all different. Have you done any counseling? I am not divorced but a widower and a counselor helped a lot.
About a year and a half.
My psychologist told me to give myself a month for every year we were together. This meant 20 months, but it took 4 years. I think, in the end, it’s different for everyone. Just trust your feelings.
I’m at 3 months officially, 20 months apart, knew she was going to file for about 4 years. There’s a adjustment period to get you day to day figured out. The one thing that I’ve realized is that she was a repetition of behavior that I had accepted for many, many years. I wrote down all the disagreements. slights and issues from her and other women as well as bosses and family members. At the top of the page I simply wrote in large block letters….”I Chose…”
3 years. It was brutal. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Exercise. Get involved in activities …I recommend pickleball to everybody. You will forget your troubles for those two hours and make new friends. Find something creative to do where you can immerse yourself for hours at a time; woodworking, ai video,development, write a book, paint. …. Good luck to you.
I’m just about 4 years out of my divorce. Co-parenting with my ex is challenging, learning how to assert my boundaries with her has caused a lot of friction, but has ultimately been good for me. Done some dating, had a bit of a hoe phase, almost at the point where I want to start dating for real again. I’ve got back into things I really enjoy, team sports, running and hiking, to help find someone new, but nothing promising yet.
Is it hard? Absolutely, but I’m on the upswing and gaining confidence all the time.
I got divorced about a year ago. It was UGLY!
And I’m genuinely getting to a point where I’m grateful for it.
To reach this point I have seen the same male therapist through the whole process. I have joined supportive groups of guys, lots of gym and self improvement, maintained no contact. Among other changes.
This too shall pass, keep your head up homie and find a supportive community. There is happiness on the other side if you work for it!
Define heal?
Been 5 years since my ex stripped everything off me in a cruel emotionally destroying seperation.
I have NO desire to be with women anymore. The sight of their naked body is nausea triggering. Hell it took me 2 years to stop wanting to cut my face.
6 months. I kind of knew that.
What I needed to do was go out and enjoy life again. Make new friends and have a new group to fill my life up with joy.
Find joy. Find women. Get away from her and whatever that was. It’s over
For me? Im 6 months poat divorce. I think it’ll be about anothr 6 months before im truly ready.
Like many have said, it depends.
My divorce was amicable enough we didnt fight over any of the major things but it was brutal emotionally.
5+ years. Still healing – getting there slowly.
I developed really bad depression/anxiety – despite not having a history of those prior to marriage. So dealing with that was messy.
I think you need to also redefine “healing” away from the social media/movie sort of understanding. You will likely always carry this with you to some level, but managing it is possible. Like a chronic medical condition – which I guess is apt given the ways divorce typically shortens lifespan etc.
My divorce experience was odd because the separation started right before Covid became a thing so I dealt with both major life changes at the same time and it’s tough to know when I actually felt “healed”. But I don’t think I stopped giving a F about my ex until we had respectively moved in with our now-spouses. She bailed on the marriage to be with the person who’s now her husband and I got remarried a few months ago, and we’re both much happier than we ever were in our own marriage.
So all I can suggest is mourn but don’t dwell. The main thing this whole shitty, cathartic experience showed me was that life is short and it’s a waste of time to spend any of it unnecessarily sad or angry. You can’t change the past but you can move on.
Also are you doing therapy? I jumped into it right away and it was a savior for my sanity. I can’t imagine the anger I’d still be holding on to without proper guidance and avoiding misconceptions I had when the ordeal started.
Define heal? It’s been 11 years for me, was married to someone else for 7 years after, have a new partner for the last 3 years and I still miss the bastard
Took me a couple years. The first step that really felt freeing was taking off my ring and throwing it into the ocean, which I did about a week after I filed. After a year or so, I was on a camping trip and planned a hike, which was something we’d always done together but I hadn’t done since the split. I was expecting it to hurt, but it didn’t. I actually enjoyed it so much more than I used to. And eventually I realized that it’s okay to keep the good memories without holding onto the bad, to miss the good parts of them even if that’s not who they are now.
Though I guess the part that REALLY put in some work was when one of her friends told me that she came out as a lesbian to her family about a year after the divorce was final. I had mostly healed by that point anyway, but suddenly realizing it WASN’T my fault? That there really WASN’T anything I could have done differently to fix things? It felt like I was floating.
Most divorced people get remarried within 5years. WHY? If you got burned once, why would you do it again. Just the financial problems would be devastating. Just wondering…..
After a decade of marriage, I healed very quickly, about 2-3 months after the separation. I had it easy because it was such a long time coming. The divorce was mutual and amicable, and she didn’t come after any of my stuff; we just walked through the house and she pointed out what was hers and I packed it up for her.
I also got in a nice relationship within a month that helped me rediscover that I’m lovable and desirable, and I cannot overstate how important that was. Unfortunately it turned out to just be a rebound, and I ended up breaking her heart. Not proud of that.
My first marriage was in a 4 year relationship where she left w a woman 1 month after the wedding. I dunno if that made it better or worse. She blamed me somehow. I internalized a lot of it. I think I was maybe really healed like 3ish years later. I thought I was at like 1 year, but not really.
I’m not the same before that break and never will be. A bit of a death of some kind of innocence. I’m wiser for it. Softer for it. But also less youthfully joyous.
You’ll heal. You won’t be the same. You won’t even want to go back to “before”. You want to get through to whatever’s new through the other side.
I haven’t been on a date since 2013 when my last bf cheated on me…
Sorry to hear that, truly, it must have been and still painful to go through.
But the “issue” was way before that ever happened.
Because you need to ask yourself why did you overlook all the red flags, why not have boundaries and assertiveness?
Why not have self-worth and not tolerate any type of outlandish disrespect?
You can see this as a negative, or you see this as a flashlight being shone for you on the brightest settings.
What type of lessons can you learn from this so you can bounce back stronger, smarter, and more resilient?
You’re struggling because of the unspoken stories you tell yourself. It’s comes from a place of disempowerment, once you learn the lessons you need and start to rewrite the story you want (and deserve).
That’s when you can stop struggling, and start living.
Wife #2.
Two years later I’m maybe 60% healed
Had a bad breakup with someone I really cared and loved about 10 years ago after being together for 3ish years. Haunts me to this day, even after having other relationships after.
It took me a year. We had 2 young kids at the time. I hit the gym, bought a Harley, went to the bars and hooked up with a different chick every weekend. Eventually met one I stuck with. We’ve now been married 12yrs and going strong
What do you considered healed? Like completely over the damage she did, or just ready to borrow some friction from a stranger? I imagine you may never fully get over a divorce that includes the words “cheated and tore me to pieces emotionally”. But you should be good to let a stranger try and fix you in a few months.