So before I get into my situation I just want to preface this with the fact that I know this is a problem caused by me and my own insecurities and views, and I fully admit to being a little "inexperienced" when it comes to relationships.
I (40M) have only had two serious long term relationships in my life, one straight from school which lasted 15 years before we realised the relationship had run its course and then another for 7 years, which was a nightmare, she was a controlling, manipulative person who took a lot to break away from.
I am now 9 months into a new relationship with a great woman, she's everything I want from a partner BUT there's something that I am really struggling to get my head around and I thought I'd write my thoughts here and let reddit set me straight.
I feel fundamentally we view sex and intimacy very differently and I can't get my head around certain aspects of her past.
Before anyone thinks it I do understand that everyone has a past and that what she did before me isn't my problem or her fault.
She up until 9 months ago had a very, very long term FWB, a married man who she has known for 15 years +
It all began when they worked at a supermarket together and he literally said to her "we should have sex" she at first turned him down then eventually agreed and would meet him at a local car park.
It went on from there just a casual hook ups at her house every other week or so, they didn't always have sex she said it was more company and intimacy for her.
Also if she would get a bf in-between or want to cool things off for a while they would just go radio silence until she would give him the go ahead or the relationship she was in would end, she has said nothing ever happened when she was in "proper" relationship.
What makes it worse for me Is he told her that his wife didn't ever have sex with him and they had only had sex twice to get pregnant, the fact my gf believes this makes me feel a little sorry for her, I think she has tried to kid herself that he wasn't using her for sex.
How do I know all this? She has been very upfront and honest with me, she admits now that she feels stupid and humiliated by it all but doesn't regret doing it all those years.
She has also said that it's completely different between us, the sex is the best she's ever had and that she has fallen completely in love with me, and I have her, she is living with me and has committed fully but this whole issue is always a niggle in my mind.
I think from my perspective I just value intimacy in a different way to her, as I said I admit I have had less sexual partners than her but it's not really that part that gets to me, it's more the willingness to give yourself over to someone like that so easily, and that he hasn't reached out to her in 9 months, like he's just waiting in the wings.
She has deleted his number removed him from FB etc but I know for a fact that if we don't work out she or he will reach out and they will carry on because "i was comfortable with him and it fit into my life" her words.
I have sat her down and tried to put across my views but she gets very defensive, partly through embarrassment I think but also because she doesn't think she didn't anything wrong, and nor do I, well apart from having casual sex with a married man, she was single and can do what she likes but I feel like I can't come to terms with how she acted in her past and she can't understand why it's an issue, she says it doesn't affect our relationship, but in a way it does for me.
Her long term relationships prior to him don't bother me at all,we talk about them and I have no problems whatsoever, again from my pov they are " normal" you fall in love with someone and give yourself to them it's just the casual nature of this one that really bothers me.
Thats about it really, so feel free to rip me apart but I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. I know a lot of it is in my head and my viewpoint might be everyones
Sorry it was a bit all over the place!