A little background: English isn't my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes. My boyfriend (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 7 years. For the past year, we've been in a long-distance relationship, which has been challenging but I thought we were both working towards the same future.
This past August, I flew home for a visit. Given our long history and the fact we've discussed marriage, I was genuinely expecting him to propose. I wasn't demanding a lavish ring or a grand gesture but just the symbol of our commitment. It didn't happen.
When I worked up the courage to ask him about our future, he told me he "just didn't have the budget for a ring right now." I was disappointed, but we live in a country where it's common to financially support our families so I tried to be understanding.
However, my understanding turned to hurt and anger just a few weeks later. His computer, which he uses for gaming, broke down. He decided to solve the problem by dipping into the savings fund he'd been building for three years and bought a brand new setup.
I feel really conflicted right now. On one hand, I feel deeply hurt and like our future isn't the priority I thought it was. It feels like a clear signal. On the other hand, he has been a wonderful boyfriend for 7 years. He's kind, loyal, and my family adores him. I've never had any real issues with him before this.
Could you give me some of your opinions on my situation?
36 comments
It’s been 7 years girl, if you want to get married you should dump this guy and find someone who values you.
On the one hand, his savings are his to use how he wants. But on the other, he’s shown you what’s a priority to him, and it’s not proposing to you. So it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with that.
He doesn’t want to get married. That’s it.
If that’s more important to you then being happy together. Leave him.
Well, being able to game ranks higher in priority than marrying you. Actions speak louder than words.
His excuse is dumb. It’s clearly not a priority for him, and instead of communicating that, he thinks it’s easier to give an excuse and move along.
I wouldn’t fault a 26 year old for not being ready for marriage, but I would fault his cowardice and dishonesty.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions have made it clear that a gaming computer is a higher priority for him than a future with you. That won’t change, and this won’t be the last time he puts himself first. What happens when you have children and he decides to play games instead of helping with them? If you do end up living together, is he going to spend time with you after work or skip that and just game? What decision would he make if you needed money for a car repair and he wanted tickets to an event? The truth is that being long distance, you’ve only seen a small glimpse into his behavior. You need to walk away now because you’re not going to get the future you want with him.
r/Waiting_To_Wed
He doesn’t want to marry you
Listen, if he wanted to, he would have asked you to marry him. It’s been seven years. What is he actually waiting on? If you’re okay with waisting your youth on a man who doesn’t want to marry you, then go ahead and wait. But if you’ve already clearly communicated that you want to get engaged and he still hasn’t done anything well, the relationship has ran it’s course.
While everyone else has good points, i just want to add that if you want to get engaged, then you can also propose yourself. My wife proposed to me (not because i was late though, we chose the same day but she was faster)
However, spending 3 years of savings on a computer is a very big choice, so if you disagree with this choice, then you should probably choose if this relationship is right for you
Honestly: right now I’m saving for an eternity ring for the missus. I can afford it at the moment, but I’m waiting for an invoice to land before I splash out (it isn’t cheap, but the proceeds will more than cover it).
She knows this is my plan (sort of). Which is kind of like your situation there. If my computer died tomorrow (sad face) I’d buy the ring before replacing the computer, it’s that important to me. She’s that important to me. And we are already married.
Sounds to me like you’re just not that important to him. And that’s a shitty situation.
Kind and loyal are the bare minimum – and the bare minimum is all he’s willing to do.
How many more years of your life do you want to waste on this guy?
If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed three or four years ago.
His given you the most invaluable gift of all: clarity.
You now know proposing isn’t a priority to him, while it is important to you. I’m not making any assumptions like “that means he has commitment issues” or “he’s just keeping you around as long as it’s convenient”, because those things don’t *really* matter.
What matters is, you’re ready to get married and he isn’t. Moving forward is a priority to you, but it isn’t to him. You’re no longer compatible in what you want for your futures, and that means you need to move on.
He doesn’t want to get married.
He has shown you what his priorities are and they aren’t you. Do with that what you will.
Yes. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your boyfriend. “We have been together for seven years. I am ready to get engaged and married and I need to know your timeline on these things as well. I assumed you would propose on my last visit, but you clearly weren’t thinking along the same lines, so to avoid any further confusion I want us to figure out when we’re going to get engaged.” Don’t let him deflect or avoid the conversation and don’t let him say you’re ruining the surprise or some nonsense. This decision shouldn’t be entirely his and you need to know if it was just poor planning on his part or his isn’t planning on proposing.
He isn’t interested in marrying you. Like someone else said though, he can use his money/savings however he wants. You also can stop wasting your time on him.
First of all. Does he use the computer just for gaming or also for work etc?
I mean it makes no sense in buying “twice”……
And also. if this is his main hobby? Why wouldnt it not be ok to buy a new one?
Well, you know where you stand 🤷♀️
I’m sorry – I think it’s time to move on.
I feel this. And it’s not like you want to say anything bc you don’t want a pity ring. You want him to actually WANT to get u a ring or care. Don’t beg for his love, just leave. U don’t even need to explain yourself bc I’m sure it will lead to a ridiculous fight.
You can propose and marry without ring. A ring doesn’t make him a better husband. You could also propose to him yourself.
The important thing is the relationship you have. Speak with him.
Haha, gaming is more important than you. Sorry OP. Gamers gotta game.
We couldn’t afford a ring so I just gave a cheap one
Tbh, a computer is far more useful than a ring. You don’t need a ring to be engaged nor do you need a big wedding for a marriage.
I get you want to marry very badly, and feel quite neglected. However for his cause… his setup died, which is used for his hobby and maybe administration or work or whatever. You can’t really do all that with a ring, can you. Heck, he can’t even see the ring himself as you aren’t living together.
He used his “emergency fund” what it is meant for; namely repairing broken things. You can debate if that’s the right choice but for him it was. Imagine him spending all his savings on a ring while he sits all alone in his house with a broken computer.
Apparently you two don’t have a lot of money and you don’t live together; I’d say marriage shouldn’t be a priority untill you two do and can manage your finances together. But yeah, who am I. Or find a richer man.
I mean you are 7 years in. If you are that close to how you should rightfully feel, why not be honest?
That you wish for a marriage to happen at a certain point. That you at least expect a sign of commitment in the form of an engagement and that you don’t wish for something grand and big.
I mean I have been married fairly recently and we got engaged also quite early. I am a broke social work Student and my wife and I share that we are both rational and pragmatic about it added with a high level of transparency through a lot of communication.
We got our rings from Etsy (something we appreciate but all in all still pretty cheap) and we absolutely love our rings. Our marriage cost under 500$ in total. Obviously, we made the most conscious choice given our buying power right now. But from the beginning to the end, we were aligned with our expectations, wishes and timeline. Something I don’t really see here.
So I feel like you need to get rid of that resentment in the form of an open and honest conversation in which you both make a stand on these “issues” and where you are both situated on these exact “issues”. Since you don’t want to let resentment foster ending up in contempt which is a telltale sign of a relationship not working out.
My advice always is that if I want something to happen I need to get rid of the idea that everyone knows exactly what I want, that the only form of a clear commitment about something is to talk about it and not to just sprinkle it in somewhere, or make remarks here and there. I need to establish it like a boundary of some sort otherwise people can always overlook it (for whatever reason) or hide behind the plausible deniability because I never made it a point.
It can give you unwanted answers, but an answer nonetheless.
He’s not going to marry you, except as a last resort
At this point, any discussion will result in a “shut up ring.”
You’re already long distance. Just tell him, “It’s been seven years and while I’m ready to move forward, it’s clear to me that you’re not. I wish you nothing but the best.” Gonna contact. It’s too easy, especially in an LDR to keep living for the contact.
What people want at nineteen is very different than what you want in your twenties and VERY different than what you want in your thirties.
You are very young. If someone wants to marry you, there aren’t any impediments. Money won’t be an issue, a ring won’t be an issue, they are just super-enthusiastic to marry you!
I promise you, that although it’s hard to break up, you will learn new things, have new experiences and when the time is right, meet new people. Don’t rush it. Learn to be a happy, single person first. Decide what you want in a partner. You won’t settle for the first person to come along.
Don’t waste your energy on people taking you for granted.
So look: I married my now wife of barely just short of 14 years with a $200 engagement ring and then my grandmother’s engagement ring as a wedding band.
It’s never about the cost. You can get engaged without an expensive ring.
Even just prices shouldn’t be used as an excuse.
If he wanted to, he would. Time to move on.
He’s not being honest with you, and thats enough of a reason to leave after 7 years. You can propose without a ring, or even the cheapest possible temporary ring. They do make rings at the $100 price point, which is probably 10x less than what he spent on his PC. People have proposed with bread tie rings or ring pop plastic…
Stop wasting your time with someone who either doesn’t see it as a priority to commit to you, or doesn’t know what he wants and find someone who does.
I have a friend who waited her whole 20s, 10 years with the guy, for a proposal only for them to break up and him to find someone else within 6 months and be married a year later to her.
Tldr; stop wasting your time with someone who can’t pop the question (based on poor priorities) even though they know you want it.
It looks like he’s just using the “no money in the budget” as an excuse because if he really wanted to get married nothing would stop him from asking.
> When I worked up the courage to ask about our future…
Girl what?! What do you mean worked up the courage? In a healthy, 7-year relationship the future should be discussed openly and regularly. Its weird to use this language. Im 1.5 years in and we talked about marriage within the first 2 months bc i wasn’t going to waste my time with someone who didn’t want it, and ongoing about when we’d get engaged (happened 2 months ago). And to be clear, it’s not a contest at all. My sister dated her hs bf for 10 years before they got married but there were ALWAYS talks about their future and when and where.
So you’re justified in your heartbreak bc that was crappy. But it shows he’s not serious. Im also not sure a long distance thing can work out if it’s been 7 years??? One of you needs to move ASAP to see if this is real and live together. People are not the same when actually living in the same space together.
So you wanted a 26 year old who doesn’t even live near you to propose to you?
I don’t get these comments this just seems wildly out of touch to me, you are so young still ofc he doesn’t want to get married yet lol talk to the dude and make a plan to at least live together first
You shouldn’t have to “work up the courage” after 7 years together. It’s reasonable to discuss the practicalities of your lives.
Ask him what he envisions for his life pertaining to career, marriage and children and the timing. Ask what conditions are important to be met before committing, and what reservations or fears he has.
If that all goes well, ask if he views you as the person he would choose, or he’s still figuring that out.
You’ve got to create a safe, nonjudgmental conversational space for him to be completely honest. Otherwise he might just say what you want to hear.
If he’s wishy-washy, it’s time to move on.
If he seems confident about marriage (to you in particular), let him know your specific desires and timelines. Observe how he responds.
You can ask him to commit to a timeline. This is reasonable so you can plan for your own life.
After 7yrs, you should know you’re not his person. I would go find my person when someone made their feelings so clear…
Okay, let me get this straight — you’ve been dating for 7 years but still don’t live together? I honestly don’t think a ring should come before living together. Marriage isn’t just about the ceremony or the ring; it’s about building a daily life side by side, learning how to coexist, share bills, handle stress, and actually *see* each other through the good and bad. If you’re still long-distance after all this time, that’s probably a bigger issue than the missing proposal.
And the whole ‘he bought a computer instead of a ring’ thing — I get why it hurts, but I don’t think it’s as shallow as it sounds. His computer probably isn’t just for gaming; it’s likely his main way to relax, talk to friends, maybe even talk to you. When someone’s living alone, their setup becomes part of their routine and mental stability. He didn’t blow his savings on a random toy — he replaced something that’s part of his daily life.
You also have to look at it from a financial reality. If he spent years saving and couldn’t justify buying a ring yet, that tells me he’s actually responsible. A lot of people rush into proposals or marriage without the stability to back it up. You can’t build a solid marriage if you’re both stressed about money.
And I don’t mean this harshly, but expecting a proposal while still living apart feels like putting the cart before the horse. A ring doesn’t fix distance. You want to know if he sees a future with you? Move in together first. See how it goes. That’s how you know if the relationship is marriage material — not from a piece of jewelry.
If what you really want is a symbol or reassurance, talk to him openly instead of assuming his priorities mean he doesn’t care. But if you feel like you’ll never be happy unless he proposes right now, even when circumstances don’t make sense, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate. You deserve someone who shares your vision of commitment, and he deserves someone who understands his perspective without feeling attacked for it.
Bottom line: you’re not wrong to want marriage, but he’s not wrong for wanting to be practical first. The issue isn’t the ring — it’s that you both might be at different stages of what ‘building a life together’ means.
Add on – rings and ceremonies are insanely expensive. Computers are generally under 2k. If 2k drained his savings then hes not financially stable yet and therefore not ready for a marriage and the commitment. And your not there to help with bills or anything financially because you dont live together.