so me 16 f and this girl 16 f have been on and off on for 4 years. we had a year long relationship through the rest of my 7th grade year until the end of my 8th grade year and was on and off until the beginning of my freshman year. i thought i got over her until i started having overwhelming feelings of doubt and that i still had feelings for her. i reconnected with her soon after another relationship which was a horrible idea and i regret that so much. we lasted for about a month but we still talked and engaged as if we were together until close to the end of summer. i reconnected with her again the first week of my junior year this year and i ended up ghosting her which was the most stupidest thing i have ever done. but just today i texted her again wondering how she was because i realized what ive been saying ive been looking for was just describing her. a little more into who she is as a person. she’s insanely smart, she knows what she wants to do in the future, she’s extremely determined to get the things she wants in life, she works hard, she family oriented, she’s the sweetest person ever wouldn’t even hurt a fly, she enjoys music and art as much as i do, she plays sports and is pretty active, she loves to read, recently she picked up guitar which is a instrument that i play, shes more on the independent side, and she’s the only girl that i’ve been heavily attracted to and ive never really looked at her in a lustful way. after the last time i stoped talking to her i thought that was it that i was fully over her and i could move on and it was stupid of me to even look for something so quick after but what i was looking for was her. the “image” that i described to my friends was “smart, hard working, independent, has goals and aspirations, likes art, loves music, and sweet” and not once did i stop to think until today that i was just describing her. a lot of people tell me that im too young to have something like this and that i dont know what im talking about but then why do i dream about her? why do i look for her in every person? why does every little thing remind me of her? why do i see her in everything? it’s like my life is consumed by her. and the worst part is we were long distance. it’s so hard for me to understand how did i get so stuck up on someone who lives so far. if she didn’t live so far i swear id try and try until this worked. am i crazy to say that i think i genuinely love her? some of the reasons why we didn’t work out was lack of communication, not being able to see eye to eye, long distance, and our own personal problems. is it crazy to say that i want us to work out. we had a whole plan after we graduate which i know sounds stupid but it was genuine on both sides. she always wanted to go to college in a city like chicago and i live somewhat close to chicago, im planing on going to a art school in wisconsin or chicago. i want to major in graphic design and she wants to major in architecture. we had a plan to atleast see eachother a lot or maybe even rent an apartment together to get things straight. we even designed a floor layout to a house that we’d both loved. we had so many plans together and i still want those things i still see those things in my life. i know that loving means letting go and i know that i should let go but i don’t want to. i understand that i can’t keep putting her through this nor can i keep putting myself through this but even her scent from years ago lingers. it drives me crazy. i want her and i want us. i know that she feels the same way but she expressed that this is too much and she can’t keep doing this on and off thing which i totally understand i know that it’s unfair for us to keep leave and coming back to eachother but i don’t know how to stop. blocking eachother doesn’t work. if i were to have three wishes id genuinely wish for us to work out and be healthy because shes everything i want and has been everything i want for years. she’s helped me with a lot and ive helped her with a lot and we compliment eachother really well i feel that the long distance factor is what makes things not work.
TD;LR
I’m 16, and I’ve been on and off with this girl for about four years. We dated in middle school and kept reconnecting, even after trying to move on. No matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking about her—she’s smart, hardworking, sweet, artistic, and everything I say I want. Even after other relationships, I realize I’ve just been describing her. We struggled with long distance and communication, but I still want us to work. We even had future plans for college and living together. She says it’s too much, and I know it is, but I can’t let her go.