I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little less than a year and a half. I love him very much. He brings so much light and laughter to my life, and I want our relationship to continue progressing.
One of the big—if not the biggest—issues in our relationship is that he has spine issues that have progressed throughout the course of us being together. Most days he is sedentary and prefers to be home because of his pain, which I understand. He’s been a homebody as long as I’ve known him, though I have been the one to push him to try new things, travel, go out, etc.
I try not to ask for too much because I know he is in pain, and I don’t want to fault him for something he cannot help. However, there are days that I find myself struggling with our relationship. Part of it is due to the chronic pain, which again, I know he can’t help. It feel selfish to even bring up because he is the one physically dealing with it. I try to be in his corner as much as I can.
The other part of it is me wondering if this doesn’t have to do with the chronic pain and is a compatibility issue. I’ve brought this up to him a couple times, where I’ve told him that sometimes I feel like the sole person asking to hang out, asking if he wants to see me, asking if we should go do something. My best friend planned my birthday because he’s “not a planner”. I told him sometimes I’d like to get flowers just because. When I mentioned to him that it would be nice if he reserved a dinner table for us as a surprise sometime, he said, “I don’t make reservations.” From the beginning of us dating, I remember nudging him about planning a date for us because I picked the first few.
Today was another day where I asked him if he wanted to hang out (I’ve mentioned to him before it would be nice if he asked me sometimes before I asked him bc it felt like it’s always me asking first), and he asked if I wanted to come over. We’ve been inside a lot lately and I told him even if we got coffee first or went for a little before going back inside, it would be nice. He asked me “what do you have in mind”, to which I said that I gave suggestions already, but would love if he gave some options too. His response was that he is limited on what he can do, which I understand, but sometimes it feels like it’s me coming up with the ideas all the time.
I admitted today that I’m struggling and I need to see a therapist for support. I am in his corner, but I find myself mourning what I thought this relationship would be and wondering if it is an overall compatibility issue that is exacerbated by the chronic pain. I don’t know. I love him very much and I put on a brave face for him, but I don’t know if I’m truly happy. It feels selfish of me to want/ask for more if it is his health condition preventing him from doing all the things that he wants to do. On the other hand, if this is who he is at a person and it is a compatibility issue at heart, I don’t want it to feel like I’m trying to change him. That’s not fair to anyone.
I guess there are a few questions: do I continue to stay the course without bringing it up or do I have a very real conversation with him about this? I don’t want to make him feel at fault for what he can’t control. I do love him and I do want a future with him, but some days I feel so sad because it feels like I’m doing the most to keep us going. He called me while I was writing this and I started crying all over again.
TL;DR: I can’t tell if my relationship issues are with my boyfriend’s chronic health conditions or if we are incompatible in a different sense. I don’t know how to broach the subject or if I should at all.
EDIT: I wanted to add on that he does show up for me in certain ways. Sometimes he cooks dinner for me and has me over. He calls me every night to say goodnight if I’m not asleep first. We do hang out every week though it’s mostly at his place inside. He makes me feel so beautiful and loves me in a way I haven’t felt ever. I know he cares, but even as an introverted homebody who has chronic pain, I feel like he could step up more and he falls short in certain aspects.