I'm 30m ive had a friend for 10 years I thought this person was my ride or die, we've grown into adults together, we liked so many similar things, and we got on like a house on fire.
We've been on so many holidays together , with our partners and lads group trips away. We have some absolutely amazing memories and some incredibly funny stories. Best men an each others weddings the works.
My friend used to be so fun, he was verbally excited when ever we did anything. He was like an excited puppy going outside it was so funny and a joy to be around.
However over the years his personality has changed so much from the person I knew that I don't recognise him anymore. To the point that even text conversations with him are hard because he comes across so blunt and negative to things I say to him. And I've now got to a point now where I'm really struggling to want to be friends with him.
His Mrs or 8yrs has always been judgemental and kind of negative, but me, my wife and friends group have always just looked past that because overall even tho she is selfish she is a good person.
Over the years she has worn my friend down, and we (friends group) has slowly seen his personality change to one of negativity and judgement.
It's been noticeable for 5 years but I've been really trying to push through and keep it fun.
2 years ago was when I really started to struggle to be his friend, it was getting actively hard to see his good side.
Although there is a friendship group, if it wasn't for me initiating things over the past 2 years, we wouldn't have done anything. My friend has no other friends other than me and the friendship group. But just lately he doesn't seem bothered about us. He's activity pushing us all away, while him and his Mrs are becoming reclusive and barely getting out and about.
I want us to stay friends for the memories we have together, it's fun to joke and laugh about times gone by. I don't want those memories to just become distant.
However, he is so hard to be around now, he's negative, judgemental, no fun, talks about himself like he's 50 when he's only 30, he acts like his best years are behind him and life is done now.
I've tried to be there for him as I've seen this spiral over the years, I even convinced him to go therapy which he did but I've seen no change.
All in all I've got to the point now that I don't want to see him and I don't see the point in messaging him. I think it's done and it's sad. I don't see the point of speaking to him about it because he justdoesnt seem to be bothered by his friends anymore, maybe he'll miss us when we're gone. I just feel gutted but I don't know why because he doesn't seem to care.
31 comments
People change
People change, especially around that age. Me in my mid 30’s was very different than me in my mid 20’s. And me in my Mid 40’s now is worlds apart from who I used to be 20 years ago. It’s pretty normal. Most friendships don’t last longer than 10-15 years, probably for this reason.
His life is probably miserable :/
Stop inviting him to things and see if that gets any response. Also just take a break from talking/texting him and if he doesn’t reach out then you got your answer.
Personally I think it’s worth telling him what you’ve observed in as neutral and non judgemental way as possible, just to make him aware of it. He probably knows, but even if not he may start to realize it and having heard from a long time friend might help trigger an awakening and a change in the future. I don’t think you can ask him to change, but I do think you can share with him what you’ve seen, again as neutral and as free of judgement as you can.
You care because you still love him. There’s no shame in that and it’s a perfectly normal feeling to still love a friend even things get hard/bleek.
The next steps of what YOU want to do is YOUR choice and not his. If you want to let it go and never speak to him again, that’s fine. If you want to have an intervention with him about the changes behavior, that’s fine as well. Those aren’t your only two options as there is a spectrum of actions between those two that you can take. You may second guess yourself about the path you choose next but don’t feel shame/guilt in the outcome you get, life is a whirlwind of positive and negative decisions.
Also wanted to end by saying that we all change a lot between 20 and 30. We think we’ll be the same person but we just can’t due to the culmination of all the events we go through during the period of time where we’re truly learning who we are while simultaneously being given new found freedoms over our lives. Good luck to you going forward and stay blessed.
To me, it sounds as though he maybe going through a depression phase in his life. All you can do is reach out on occasion and ask how he’s doing and if he needs anything. Let him know you’ll happy to hang out and catch up, whenever he’s open/available. Leave it in his ball court. Good luck!
> Over the years she has worn my friend down,
Can you go into more detail? In what way? LIke she’s a nag and has henpecked him over the years?
Friendships arent permanent and thats OK. Youre both different people than when you met.
something pretty nuance I once heard is a lot of people change in relation to cellular regeneration in their bodies.
Every seven years or so your cells in your body will be replaced. In a sense you are, thinking about the ship of Theseus, both the same, and a completely new person.
It makes me wonder how things like trauma healing, forgiveness, memories is an enjoyment; could all these be related to our brain and nervous cells placing them themselves overtime?
Quite simply people change. Sometimes for better and sometimes for a worse. But only time will tell.
A couple years ago now, I was starting to feel like maybe I was that person for some people. I had such a negative outlook on life and most days I’d deal with work and finish the day by calling someone to talk about how frustrating work was and then I’d spend the rest of the day getting baked and gaming.
After a few years of that, I’ve come to believe that the weed and the hedonism were partly to blame for my perspective. It took a lot of effort, but I kicked the habit and went and got back the job I’d left (at another company) thinking my career was the problem. I missed the work. I missed feeling optimistic, and when I quit weed, my old self returned.
My feelings about my job improved. My wife and I had a kid. I embraced a healthier lifestyle and decided to work on my other budding health problems, too. The cascade effect of that one change ended up rippling out into all other areas of my life…except it also cost me some of my closest friends.
They’re all about that pleasure seeking life. They love drinking and smoking and bitching about their bosses or the political situation or capitalism. I mean, I get frustrated by the system, too, but nowadays, I mostly think about what’s within my control. I don’t like lots of things about life, but I am mostly content. When me and my friends talk, I feel like they’re avoiding talking about drugs or sobriety and I’m avoiding talking about their jobs or relationships. There’s just not much left for us to discuss. The calls get less and less frequent.
I’m becoming more ok with it by the day. It’s wrong to judge them. We don’t share many values anymore, we just share history. It’s worth something, but the more I focus on the present and future, the less I care about the past. It’s nice to think about sometimes, but you gotta let go eventually.
Not telling you what to do, but I’m just working on letting go. I still answer when they call. I still make conversation and will have them over if they visit. I just don’t tend to seek them out because I want to be influenced by people who share my values and that I look up to for those reasons. I grew up in a direction they don’t wanna follow. They can find their own paths.
Yeah that negativity can definitely rub off on others and change them. It’s a very hard cycle to break – he probably doesn’t even fully realize how bad he’s become. Same thing with gossiping, it almost becomes second nature.
Yeah I get it I have a friend for many many years and the same thing happens we grow up both have families different jobs and just life is differently. Is it his fault or your fault probably not it’s just the way it is. With my friend I’m the one kind of being more distant. I don’t agree with a lot of things he does and it’s nothing bad it’s just not what I want to be around
i am the person on the other side of this, and for me it’s all depression related.
I am literally not the same person I was when I met this friend. Was outgoing, funny, had a huge laugh, was always down for adventure, and now thats just not the case. I just don’t look forward to things, I sleep a lot, I do everything by myself. idgaf about myself, so why would i expect other people to?
i’m in a terrible mood, why would i want to be around happy people?
When you are really mentally fucked, or coming out of being really mentally fucked, being around a group of people engaged with life and happy for whatever reason is like being around aliens.
There just isn’t a ton to relate to, and I don’t understand how life works for people that aren’t fighting themselves on a daily basis. I have a hard time relating to people that had a solid upbringing and family, that haven’t thought about death more than a few times in their life when I’ve been looking forward to it for 30 years.
“what’d you do this weekend?”
I went camping and hiking, it was great! How about you?
“I laid in bed for 23 straight hours eating junk food and wishing i didn’t wake up the next day, then i did it again”
Cool conversation.
In the end, you will have to make your own decision, if you walk away, try not to be too harsh if they come back.
Sounds like someone in his life constantly belittles him.
Everything you wrote is damn near identical to a former friend of mine. 15 years and in the past few he became such a fuckin dick that I stopped talking to him. I would only talk to him at work or whenever he would hit me up for money for millionth the time.
He also did some thugs in the past few years that are inexcusable and to this day won’t be forgiven. You can pull that shit on other people, but not with me.
Anyway, he blew his brains out several months ago. I’ve been talking to his wife over that time, she’s been telling me a lot of stuff that I never knew Stuff that explains a lot of things about him back in the day and in more recent years.
I already had him written off in my head before everything went down, I sure as hell don’t miss him now.
Hey I have gone through this.
I suspect s/he is in a depression. Many people will become recluse and lost in family on autopilot. I tried to talk to my friend about this (not sure if you have tried and if you do have better luck!) but they just are shut down. Don’t even respond. Honestly it’s likely not just you in those cases. Assuming you aren’t a negative influence somehow s/he is likely cutting out most people (see recluse).
I remember as a kid watching and listening to my parents. They didn’t really have friends and even seemed hesitant with neighbors trying to socialize. And it wasn’t just them, I saw it with other friends parents over the years.
I cannot entirely explain this behavior. When I was in that situation I made concerted effort to invite and social with friends even if it meant casual clothes, pizza, a drink (alcohol or not), and either hang out at home relaxing and chatting casually or doing something. It was that hard in my mind/life. I called, flexed the time, and the kid(s) just did their own thing or went to a friend’s for a sleepover. Even little kids who wanted to be around adults I’d just kinda humor them and include them. No one is talking about sex, drugs, and alcohol so it didn’t matter.
I found a topic the couple or person was intrigued about and ran with it. Sometimes they would be really quiet, like a gray rock, and perturbed even at times yeah.
Honestly, I have no idea what or why they setup that wall and sometimes even be douchy. There was this movie (I forgot the name) where the guy doesn’t have many guy friends. He tries to befriend his wife’s husband and goes to poker or something. The guy (that husband) is a total dick to him though merely because.
I am a bit ASD so maybe someone can enlighten me why some guys do that but as far as I can tell it’s merely because they extremely poor social skills and feel like being “masculine” is this hyper silent, bro-ish, shut up and play poke and cigar attitude. All I can think is their father must have been a cold guy or something.
So yeah, I had friends who changed for better or worse. I would try and talk to them as a last ditch effort. Maybe their spouse to figure it out and we’ll then let them fade. You can take a horse to water, you can drink the water to show it’s safe even, but you can’t make em drink.
Sorry to hear. It does suck!
I know the feeling OP, I got a buddy whose now ex-wife did everything she could to keep him away from us. We aren’t even bad dudes, she was just a complete control freak. He is not the same person he was going into the marriage, it’s very sad to see but I’m happy to have him around again.
This is extremely worrisome imo.
Even at my lowest points, I still changed into my old ways around my friends, not at 100% like I was – but there was still a spark of me there. He sounds awfully depressed or out of hope for happiness.
Just don’t rip your own arm off when reaching out to others.
To be honest, this story is horrific.
All I have to say is, it’s very sad and I hope that doesn’t happen to me
He might know it and come around in a couple years
People change, sometimes not for the better. My best friend was like my brother. We did so much together, and when we got together it was like no time had passed. He went on to become a preacher, and even though I was finally admitting to myself that I was an atheist, it didn’t matter to me. Then he was accused of an inappropriate relationship with a girl in his church. He swore it was an innocent thing that was blown out of proportion and I wanted to believe him. Then more started to trickle out and he wasn’t the guy I knew at all. I pulled away for the sake of myself and my family. He messaged me on my birthday a few years ago and said that he was sorry if he hurt me or my family and that he still loves me. I had to tell him that our lives just took different paths and that’s OK. I disagree with everything this guy does now. He somehow stated in the church, he’s been married and divorced 4 times now, and his politics are flat out a shame. I still can’t bring myself to “un-friend” him. It’s hard to lose your best friend when they’re still alive and well.
He’s miserable. He’s probably feeling depressed, but doesn’t know what to do about those feelings or he’s hesitant. Pushing friends and family away is textbook in abusive relationships. Being on the receiving end of emotional abuse is more common for men than we as a society admit. So we’re silent and less likely to seek help. We’re less likely to have support.
Try to tell him your observations about his behavior in a non judgmental way. Be very careful saying anything about his partner. [Be patient. Don’t get angry at him.](https://web.archive.org/web/20250520110836/https://menscentral.net/how-to-support-a-male-friend-in-an-abusive-relationship/) [Two](https://www.safehorizon.org/safe-blog/supporting-someone-emotionally-abusive-relationship/).
He has to decide to help himself. **Let him know you will be there for him if he decides to change his circumstances.**
take acid with him in the countryside
Just move on. Life is too short to care
Be upfront with him about it, let him know how you feel.
But also know that people change and you may not see that same person you knew before ever again.
I don’t even know if my best friend from high school and college is alive
It kind of sucks
He sounds depressed and, possibly, abused.
I’ve been your friend. I didn’t realize it until after I got out but I was actually in an emotionally abusive relationship. I think a lot of men don’t see it and have a hard time recognizing it, and I’m not saying this is for sure what is happening, but you should at least check in with him to see how things are going in that department.
“Hey man, was just thinking about you. How are you? Everything ok by you?”
I’m 41. I learned the hard way that lifelong friends are often not actually lifelong. Friends come and go and if you can accept the transience of that you’ll be better off. It’s tough but people *do* change and sometimes it’s just beyond your control to get things back on track. Just gotta let them go at a certain point, especially if it’s one sided or negatively impacting you.
Good luck with your friend. I hope you can get them back to a better place someday.