Hello everyone, I don't know if this post will reach an audience but I did a huge stupid thing and I need to talk about it to make progress and improve.
I also warn that I have already planned to see a psychologist and that I know that talking about it on reddit will not be enough.
First things first, I'm a 20-year woman with a bf of 2 years who's a 20-year man.
Since the beginning of our relationship, we have always argued over more or less serious issues, as I would say everyone else, but his family and mental situation as well as my own insecurities have led to arguments that stand out and are all the more virulent, even bringing us to the brink of separation on several occasions.
But I'm here to talk about my case more personally: I have a huge fear of abandonment and therefore need to feel loved by the people around me, especially my boyfriend. Which will lead to me being easily grumpy (that’s not the best word to describe but I cannot find another one) when he stays alone with some of our friends (because our group of friends is common) and he stays laughing and all with them without me.
I know I don't have to stress over this, we've even talked about it several times, but even though I've been able to make an effort, I can't totally overlook it cause i think then that i am not enough et that he will leave me cause he prefer to be with them and even our friend will not like me anymore.
Then it’s time for the real story :
That was the birthday we all had organized for a friend, and it was a friendly dinner with almost our entire gang. The atmosphere was good, we laughed well and there comes a time when my boyfriend does something that makes me close in on myself.
It was such a silly thing that I can't even remember it.
But here I am, silent and ruminating while I reject him when he tries to reach me but at the same time I am more and more frustrated when I see him going to others and laughing in his corner.
In hindsight, you can't blame him, but at the moment I have such a knot in my stomach. It's unbearable, I feel like he doesn't care because he keeps talking and laughing as if nothing happened when I myself was doing the same thing and trying to forget the situation and he could do that very well with that same goal.
But at the moment I'm so focused on myself that I'm just trying to make him realize that I'm angry by making him react. I'm dry, mean, and while I didn't want to involve the group in it, I feel like everyone noticed.
I can't take it anymore and decide to announce that I'm tired and I'm going to bed. However, we forgot to bring the gift for my friend who was at my apartment. So I had to come back.
On the road we do not address a word to each other, because I was walking in front of him quickly. On the way back, we argue and take different paths.
I arrive after him at our friend's house, and at that moment the door is opened so that I can follow the conversation without being noticed. I hear them all joking together and I feel too much, I tell myself that if I go there I'll ruin everything and they'll be better off without me. And then I make the decision that I shouldn't have made and I leave leaving the gift on the steps.
I go for a walk in the city alone at night and respond to the messages I receive by saying I want to be alone. I also ignore my boyfriend's many calls. It stays like that for about an hour.
I mechanically return to my friend's apartment and pass by and come face to face with another friend who was leaving. Panicked I run away and run without knowing where I'm going.
I finally respond to the friend whose birthday it was because I felt guilty for her for ruining the end of the evening. She finds me to talk and my boyfriend joins us afterwards.
When we talked I learned that he went straight to my search and returned the whole city, panicked to find me calling me more than 70 times. My other friends are very angry with me and tell me they don't forgive me how I showed myself to him. I agree with what they say but at the time I just wanted to feel less pain and isolate myself by letting them all be happy together. I thought only of myself at the time and did not take into account the panic that must have animated them, especially my boyfriend who was afraid that something would happen to me.
Even though he was really angry and went away to think about it he still seems really soft to me but I think it’s still in his mind and he's waiting for a real change. As for my friends, only one of them answered the messages i sent them as an excuse and he told me that he would not be able to forgive me after what i've done to my boyfriend.
I don't know what can be concluded about this, except that I'm losing the person I love most in the world and my entire group of friends all because of myself and I don’t want things to end up like that.
Any advice is welcomed thx by advance for taking the time to read all this.
(English isn’t my first language so I may have wrote in a weird way, sorry for that)