Sometimes I completely lose interest in talking to people, but at the same time, on a basic human level, I really want it. Deep down I feel like I want to spend time around people, in different places, but the reality is that I just end up listening to them, really trying to understand what they’re saying, and it’s hard for me to respond or keep the conversation going.
It’s like I just put a period at the end of their sentence. I say “mhmm” when they finish talking and then force myself to ask questions I don’t care about, just to keep the conversation alive and show I’m listening.
This happens pretty often. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all and in those moments I feel empty inside. I try to come up with at least a few words or some question, but then there’s this awkward silence. Eventually the other person asks, “So how are you doing?” I usually answer with something short, and then I start feeling like they’re bored or not interested in me.
It’s a long and tiring process, but I can describe it clearly because I remember all the feelings I go through.
When I watch other people, I envy their energy and the way they talk. I see that spark in their eyes that just doesn’t exist when they talk to me.
In the end I feel like I’m plain and not interesting to anyone.
The only thing that seems to help is alcohol.
I’m supposed to meet angirl today, but I’m thinking of canceling it because I feel like I have nothing to say to her.