BACKGROUND (can be skipped): I’m 43(F) and haven’t been seriously dating for a very long time. I recently had multiple traumatic and devastating events happening in my life in regards to family and friends (think accidents, disease, death). Prior to this, I moved back home after 10 years abroad. In short, dating hasn’t been on the radar much and before that I had some doubtful experiences. I’ve been guarded, and prioritising my own peace and consuming energy for the people who really matters in my life. I’m also aware that I currently have a lot on; caring for family, sit on some shit sad stories and currently without job due to redundancy, and overall missing a clear direction in life since moving back home. I have a lively and loyal network of friends – yet still quietly long for partnership and possibly starting my own family, despite my age. (I’m regularly told I don’t look it, and I surely don’t always feel it)
WEEKEND CELEBRATIONS: I went out w friends. We are a pretty lively bunch, dancing, drinking, shenanigans. I never go out with an agenda of meeting anyone, but neither am I completely closed off to the opportunity. At the club, I meet a young man (28) – normally don’t feel attracted to someone so young, but this one GOT ME. We danced all night, he totally swept me off my feet with his caring, fun and sweet attitude. I felt safe, sexy, and silly w him. I explained plainly about my situation as a carer in for family, and told him my age in between the hot moves; “this is my life”, but he seemed to fully sympathise. (Yeah yeah, it’s not like we’re getting married at this point). He was very straight forward and convincing in his pursue. I definitely felt the chemistry. We ended up at my place, drunk sx, morning sx, we kissed till the very last second he left and I closed the door behind him.
THE NEXT DAYS…: okay, if the story ended there that’d be easy. A one-night-stand: The End, am I right? But this guy keeps saying how he wants to see me again. How he really liked me. He calls the same day he left. Twice. Mentioning a potential good time to meet again soon. He texted the day after again. “Goodmorning” “hope you had a good time w family”. Called again. And again. Texting a lot, like he can’t wait to see me. It just felt so sweet and simple. I feel the same excitement sweep me up. It awakens things in me that seemed long buried. So I jump in, both legs. Yeah, even superstitiously fantasising that this was some kind of “reward” after all the hardships, all the effort I’ve put into caring for my family. (I know, it’s childish) And admittedly, questioning if he’s actually the one, it felt exactly as mutual and uncomplicated that I dreamed it would.
MEETING UP:
In my excited state of perceived reciprocity, I (admittedly)pressure him to meet already Tuesday. He does have some doubts due to long work hours. He airs how he’d rather meet when he’s “fresh” – but I eagerly try to convince him that he can come over, even if tired. He thinks about my suggestion during the day and I honestly don’t expect him to come, but he then announces he’ll come over straight from work, warning he won’t have had a shower, but is it important? I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM ASAP. Having the impression this is 100% mutual.
We talk on phone again this afternoon. He texts the time he’ll be there. I send my address. He “loves” it.
I mentioned food since he’s coming straight from work. He texts that he’s so hungry, he’ll grab something on the way. No worries. I’m hyped. Now I can’t wait to see him again. I’m in a rush to make it back, so he’s not by the door waiting.
And then I’m waiting. And waiting a bit more. Until he texts; he’s too tired to come. In the meantime, he’s gone home. We talk on the phone (I call) I’m fully honest, saying I feel stupid for rushing back home when he’s not coming. I complain that I left my family to be there. He replies: “I’ll take a shower, then I’ll be there.” And I’m like “ok” before hanging up (He doesn’t live that far away)
I sigh in relief. The rush of anxious, disappointed energy resigns. He’s an ok person, just like I hoped.
And then: NO SHOW. I suffer a new rush of painful anxiety. This time badly. I’m taken aback to when the news of traumatic accidents hit me over the phone. I am near panicking. I make the mistake of calling him multiple times without answers. Texting. “So you’re not coming?” “I don’t like playing games. Don’t ghost me. Even if you don’t want to see me again” “I misunderstood the type of person you are”
Him, after some time: “ I just showered” “I’m too tired to go”
Meanwhile, I realise how my reaction comes off as clingy and insecure.
I try to apologise for pressuring him, express my understanding of him being tired, but laying out that I’m upset that I left my family for him to bail TWICE on the same evening.
Trying to end on a positive note saying we had a really good time. To which he responds; “yeah me too, we had a good time, we can be friends” and that “we can be friends, no probs”
I send him this final message:
“I’m not looking for ‘just friends’ tbh. I spoke my mind, I really liked you and want to see and kiss you again.
I give you the opportunity to meet again, to do it at a time when you’re not exhausted from work – and then we’ll just take it from there.
Now you can think about it and when you’ve decided what you want to do, I hope to hear from you.❤️”
Today is Friday no sound,(expectedly)
Questions:
Why bail like this, like twice in the same night, when he was the one who offered coming over both times? When initiating so much contact, convincing me the state of excitement was 100% mutual?
(I know I put pressure on him, I should’ve listened the first time he mentioned potentially being to wasted after work that day)
Is there any chances now for walking back the panicky reaction I had, anything I can do now in terms of saving this?
(Except from doing nothing at all)
Am I overall missing out on some dating culture that is normal for late 20ies guys? It’s not like I haven’t been ghosted/ bailed on before but that feels like ages ago. I do not expect this from men at my age, at this day.
Am I even ready to date at all?
This entire thing threw me into an overwhelming flashback to those recent traumatic accidents where I almost lost someone I deeply care for, and I’ve been crying and going through it. He has absolutely nothing to do with this, I’m fully aware ofc, but it made the realisation of how vulnerable i am come home.
25 comments
You got, for lack of a better word, dickmatized.
That’s it. You went crazy because of good sex. Now you need to calm the fuck down and realize you put an insane amount of expectations onto a person you did not know at all.
This wasn’t dating, it was a hookup that you imagined into something else.
I know for myself (42F), I absolutely cannot do hookups bc I will develop feelings – or at least, believe I am developing feelings. And now you know – neither can you! You need to date calmly and take things slow.
Dang, im sorry you went through all that. It sounds like you’ve been going through a lot and this moment of happiness then week of anxiety really brought up a lot of feelings you’ve been working through. I’m sorry you had a rough week.
Your worst weeks don’t define you. It’s ok to take a break. Be kind to yourself with all the feelings your body is working through. It’s gonna be ok eventually.
To be frank, sounds like a young lad who is only interested in you as a FWB. He’s definitely got his eye on another woman floating somewhere in his day to day life that either 1.) Isn’t attainable for him now, 2.) is in a situationship, 3.) not taking you seriously due to the age gap and is unlikely to introduce you to his family because he simply is there for occasional sex when post nut clarity wears off.
I mean, I’ve been on both ends (more recently toward your position with a 24F saying she prefers older men because she doesn’t expect anyone her age to be mature). I’m 36M single and looking, yes, but I would advise you to try to understand the naivety of us men when we are in our 20s. Older women are hot but unfortunately few men are thinking of serious relationship with those hot older women when they are that young.
P.s. if a woman I’m attracted to text me she want to kiss me and see me again, I’m there. But if I have something going on and I have to be sneaky about it, then an excuse has to be made. I don’t know men to be “too tired” to have sex. That’s just not how it works unless he was already taken care of by another.
Unsure on the dating culture of 20y/o guys but if the above is your general approach to dating then I think you’re more likely to run into chaos/pain than a stable relationship.
I’ve nothing against meeting people in all manner of places but you’ve extrapolated a ton from what I’d consider to be a drunken club hookup. Not to mention the tailspin the ensuing actions led to in your case.
Sorry for what you’re going through. He sounds like he probably just wants to have a good time (sex) and flirt a bit. I do think if you’re sure you want something more serious and may catch feelings easily, should maybe consider cutting out casual hookups. I personally had to do that myself. I also probably wouldn’t try to walk it back with him and don’t think there’s really anything there to save.
Oh honey. You are not ready. Please continue taking care of yourself.
Damn that was tough read… Im sorry this happened to you but….I would really suggest going to therapy and work on yourself
>I eagerly try to convince him that he can come over, even if tired
>I complain that I left my family to be there
This is on you. No one asked you to ditch your family. You can’t ditch them on your own accord and then put it on someone else as a guilt trip, ESPECIALLY when you’re the one pushing to meet up when the other person was reluctant.
Honestly, while this guy could’ve just declined and rejected you more comprehensively, you’re the older adult here and you’re not acting it at all, while expecting him to.
If I’m being honest, you probably came across as being a bit desperate and intense. You pressurised him to come over when he didn’t really want to, you then guilt tripped him for cancelling and you then blew up his phone with anxious messages…that’s just too much drama when you have just met. And I know it’s not coming from a bad place, you were clearly just super excited and your anxious, trauma-affected brain chose immediate gratification over a slower game. Having a bit of patience in this scenario would probably have led to a different outcome.
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it most likely is a duck.
From his perspective as a 28 year old man he hooked up with a women 15 years older than him. It was, on paper, a hookup (i.e. sex upon meeting, no dates leading up to it). In his mind this is likely all it is and so he is open to future hookups for sex hence the communication and niceties afterwards. But don’t confuse this for something committed or serious – it is not.
FWB/hookup relationships don’t follow the same rules as intentional/committed dating – if this is what you want you may be better off dating someone your own age and taking your time before sleeping with them. On his end, he assumed you wanted to hookup again on Tuesday but he was tired so he probably didn’t have the energy for sex. He tried to communicate that he would be tired (seemed like a polite decline) but you insisted.
>Am I overall missing out on some dating culture that is normal for late 20ies guys?
This is not dating culture, this is hookup culture and par for the course. Plenty of men are out there dating with intention but you won’t find it by dating men 15 years younger than you. I doubt there would be all that much sympathy if the genders were reversed. In fact, I think we would be pretty critical of a man in his 40s taking a women in her 20s back to his place.
There’s a few things going on. 1. From a dating perspective, going younger is a waste of time. 2. Never expect anything good and lasting to come from a hookup. 3. As someone also healing from trauma (my child’s father and s/o of 14 yrs literally unalived himself), my suggestion would be to take things extremely slow with someone new. Change seems to be a trigger for me, and I still haven’t dated anyone since. But whenever I eventually do feel ready, I’m going to take my time. And if the other person can’t get on board with that, then sayonara. 4. Maybe, and this is just a thought, consider seeking God for healing from trauma if you haven’t already. Jesus has been my comfort and hope throughout my healing journey.
Jesus christ, you’re very full on and you absolutely scared him off.
My biggest red flag with you is that he told you he didnt want to meet on the Tuesday, rather wait until the weekend or when he’s not tired. You basically pressured him and then got annoyed when he didn’t turn up, despite him saying he’s damn tired. My number one rule is I dont do weekday meet-ups due to work and gym commitments.
You need to slow down…
Been here, girl. Its hard because they dont need to send these super strong signals when they dont mean it. Its confusing. What happened to you would hurt my feelings too.
My advice is to be super wary of everything in the beginning. Set up a little chase. If he doesn’t meet you halfway, don’t go further and it will fizzle out. If he is interested on the level that you expect, then he will chase you. Its better to wait for someone that will put in effort to please you. You can weed them out easily this way, it just takes a lot of restraint when you actually like the guy.
Im sorry this happened! I dont think you were being weird or spooky… you have expectations and when someone didnt follow basic courtesy you said “leave me alone then”
I think you made a healthy choice to not settle for someone blowing you off and in the long run it will pay off because you will be over him by next weekend!
If a man I just met reacted that way to me about changing my mind, I would think he’s mentally unstable and potentially dangerous.
So you completely ignored what he was telling you, pushed his boundaries until he relented, then tried to guilt trip him because you decided to overbook your already busy night when he wasn’t even feeling it? And then you blew up his phone like that?!???? Girl….. you are not ready to date and you need to start actively listening to what people are communicating to you , even when it doesn’t fit your agenda. I’m 34F and if a guy did that to me I would be blocking him post haste, Jesus
I don’t think you’re ready to date – the above is a huge turn of for any gender / pressuring people to come over when they’ve said they’d to do it when they’re fresh is totally legit reason to find another day that works for everyone.
It comes across as desperate and the. Leads to wondering why are they acting this way? Which then leads to second thoughts that maybe you’re not as chill as you seemed when you met .
You need to fix any sort of excited panic you feel because it won’t end well until you do
Good luck !
Guys do this all the time when they’re young and don’t know any better
He didn’t want to come over at all, you pressured him to do so. And then got mad at him because you left your family on your own free will?
All this after a one night stand?
You’re old enough to get this reference: Stage 5 clinger for sure
Woow you are coming off as very intense, insecure and desperate. You had one hot night with this guy and you are already imagining a future with him, you left your family to be with him and put all your happiness in his hands.
That’s very unhealthy. The guy clearly liked you too but I think you scared him off. He told you he was tired after work, yet you pressured him, he probably felt like he couldn’t say no but in the end, he just didn’t have the energy.
He suck because he didn’t tell you he couldn’t come, yes.
But I think you need to step back a bit, breathe and don’t get so caught up in a stranger. You don’t know him. It’s normal to feel excited when meeting someone new, but learn to ground yourself and give things the right time to unfold.
You are showing quite a lot of red flags here.
He too when we calls and texts you all the time.
Seems like it was a fire that quickly caught and died down again.
Sounds to me like you have good intentions. This said; from a guys perspective; I would highly recommend to slow down. Get to know the guy more and spend more interactive time together without quick affection. Let that tension build a bit. Doing so will likely lead to a much more satisfying / clear minded experience.
In the situation you described; I think he isn’t real clear on what direction he wants to take things. Though, I do think he enjoyed the interaction with you.
Anyway, not sure this helps. I hope you find what you are looking for…
You hooked with a 28 year and unloaded all your trauma . sounds like post nut clarity and too much too soon. Dont let the past traumas keep you from moving on if you can help and seek therapy, but no one has it all figured out in this world, gotta learn to also have fun again and younger folks do and see things then us 40
somethings. good luck !!
I wonder if you were just in the throws of a massive dopamine influx after what sounds like some pretty rough times. Sometimes in a joy draught, it’s easier to keep moving without a hit of it than to get a bit and realize just how much you’re lacking.
Feeling like a surprise sexual vixen after feeling so terrible for so long, I can imagine your brain was panicking for every drop it could get asap.
It’s not a great situation, but it is what it is.
As for walking it, back probably no. He has to decide to reengage.
But, hopefully, you use this experience as proof of concept that you got it and you should make a more concerted effort to flaunt it.
Jesus. This was intense. I don’t think you should be dating right now to be honest. Just work on yourself and becoming more secure.
He is a hot and cold guy and you’re not intrinsically emotionally regulated atm. Perfect storm.
If he canceled twice on you that’s an automatic nope. Cut off contact
No you pressured him to meet. You need to heal a lot. You have a lot of codependency attachment going on. Even as friends I wouldn’t want a friend that clingy I just met her. So I can imagine in a romantic partner. You pushed him away honestly. You pressured him to come that day after he told you he rather comes when he is clean etc. You kept on adding more and more pressure. You just met him.