So I bought my girlfriend an all black lingerie outfit a few days ago and I just got it in the mail this morning. It looks and feels great and I would LOVE to see her in it.
My idea was that I wanted to surprise her about it and show my appreciation not just to her, but her body as well. I tell her she’s beautiful often, but I really want to highlight how sexy she could be both in performance and physique.
Now I’m starting to really regret my decision as I feel like it’s wrong to do this. I’m now worried she may be offended that I’m buying something that may view her as an object or even something she isn’t comfortable with. I was so ahead with her liking it that maybe she just says no.
It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t expensive either. Now I’m not sure what to do with it. We aren’t kinky or explore many sexual sides so this is kind of a first.
37 comments
I mean… explain to her what you just explain to 1.something mil people of this here subreddit. See where that goes. Talk.
That might be a real concern, but as a guy, we need to remember that some gifts are more for us than our partner.
If you want to have fun with that. Tell her you bought yourself a gift, then give her the package. Say, please put this on for me.
She is more likely to appreciate the mixture of humor with truth.
Don’t present it to her yet. Just ask straight up if she would be bothered by you buying clothing or lingerie for her.
Take all the mystery out of it and just ask. If she gets upset at the question that is not on you. You can return the stuff if she responds negatively and present it to her if she responds positively.
I would have discussed with her first. Hey honey, I always wanted to see you in sexy lingerie. I love your body and I want to explore this more. What are your thoughts about that? (I worded that very poorly). Something like that.
Maybe for next date night..put the lingerie on bed with a little text note. (More in the thought for her to feel more confident)
it’s not right or wrong per se, but it entirely depends on your partner and if they’ll like it.
There are some things WE (the Reddit hive mind) simply don’t know:
– Will she view this as objectifying?
– Is she comfortable with it? Some people feel sexy, some feel embarassed.
– Does she like or dislike being objectified by you?
This one is worth noting. We (rightfully) mostly view the constant, unwanted, objectification of women as bad thing. And it is. But some women enjoy being objectified by their partner, and some don’t. Neither is wrong, if just depends on the person.
For example, as a guy, I don’t mind it at all. But I also haven’t been unwillingly subjected to it since I was a child.
Think of it this way – if she surprised you with a sexy little outfit that you had to wear for her, how would you feel?
Like that leather cowboy ensemble Matthew McConaughey wore in Magic Mike.
Well.. how would you feel??
Is this a long term relationship? If so I feel you are overthinking this. There is nothing wrong with finding your partner visibly attractive, it doesn’t mean you see them as an object.
I would give it to her and explain that you bought YOURSELF a gift and would love for her to present it to you. 😉
Personally as a female confident in my own body I’d appreciate this
You definitely should have some conversations with her before actually gifting it. Maybe she’s not into it, maybe she prefers a gift card instead so she can pick out her own, or maybe she’ll love it.
I find the fitting for lingerie can be very messy. She may have a preference for certain texture, like wires bra can be uncomfortable.
I once bought my wife some after years of us being together. She’s not the type that likes to wear stuff like that per se. But then when we got married her mom threw her a lingerie lunch and she got like 10 different pairs 🤦🏻♂️. Suffice it to say they sit in her closet unworn 🤷🏻♂️. She’s not offended it’s just not her thing
You’re so annoying with this mom v hoe complex. Your gf has a sexual taste too, do what she wants
My wife was reluctant to wear lingerie at first. When we finally got her some and she put it on, before I so much as touched her I told her “I’ve fantasized about you like this so much, but the way you look in real life is even better than in my fantasies.” It was like a light switch, she just beamed and was so happy and looked so confident, and now dressing up for me is one of her favorite things to do.
Point being, if she’s game for it, VOCALIZE YOUR APPRECIATION AND DESIRE.
Honestly it depends on her entirely. Every woman feels differently about this situation. In a relationship there is a very fine line between being objectified and showing desire for your partner.
Don’t say you want to highlight how sexy she “could be”, bc that implies she’s not sexy enough as she is. Instead just say you simply want to see her in lingerie and want for her to feel as sexy as you see her. Lingerie isn’t just for partners, the woman wearing it can absolutely get a boost of confidence, but only if it’s the right style and fit for them. If what you specifically got her isn’t her cup of tea, maybe you exchange it for something she would feel comfortable in. Tip toe her way into building up a lingerie collection.
Good luck. Try not to over think this.
My two cents. I’m a woman who likes lingerie. However, I don’t want lingerie selected for me as a gift. I like to hear from my husband about the lingerie features he likes, but when he has bought it, it’s either the wrong size, the wrong color, uncomfortable, etc. I would rather have a gift card to a place that offers a lot of different brands and styles.
I buy my wife lingerie now & then, but never for an occasion! Not Valentine’s Day, birthday day, Christmas or whatever. I do it out of the blue. Especially when she’s feeling ‘off’ about herself, gained a few pounds, found another gray hair, thinks her boobs look saggy, whatever. It seems to help her feel better & realize, I Love her & still think she’s a sexy woman.
Be honest about your reasoning. I can assure you honesty in communication goes a long ways. As a happily married man, I promise my wife always knows the difference between gifts for her and gifts for me.
You’ve bought something you think is sexy that YOU want. Be honest about that. It isn’t a gift for her, it’s for you.
If she’s never worn lingerie before being surprised with something that probably doesn’t fit and isn’t her taste often comes across as “this is my fantasy, I want to make you sexier”- which you pretty much said in your own words with “how sexy she COULD be”. You’ve been warned. As per the other comments, discuss even the concept of lingerie with her first.
As a woman who loves lingerie I wouldn’t react well to this. I would react well to my partner saying “It’s my fantasy to see you in some black lingerie, that would be so fucking hot” and then leaving it up to me.
For a good time:
1. Put it on YOUR bed, conspicuously.
2. Have her over, let her discover it “accidentally” (e.g. ask her to get something from your room)
3. When she asks what it is, tell her it is her PJs for the night
“Hey baby, what would you think if I bought you some sexy lingerie for you to wear for me? I think you’re so beautiful and it would really turn me on to see you in it.”
FFS. Just learn how to communicate about sex if you’re having sex. Like, you don’t have to put yourself in a position to be rejected if you just talk about it first.
Not everything needs to be viewed from a lens of how to not upset someone.
It’s possible to construct a scenario where someone would get offended over literally anything. If we live our lives in fear of that then we’ll forever be stuck doing nothing.
The thought was nice and I would worry less about her feeling like an object than her being uncomfortable or embarrassed if it doesn’t fit her well. Lingerie is incredibly difficult to fit even when you try it on in person (sizing is awkwardly small and doesn’t accommodate the wide variance of breast sizes and rest of her body size) and many women might feel bad because they won’t like how it looks or fits and it can make her feel crappy about her body. Not trying to set you up to feel worse but next time consider taking her shopping for something instead.
My friend gave his girlfriend lingerie for Christmas. When she opened the box, she scoffed, and said he bought her a gift, for himself …
Just give it with a little note that say, “thought you’d look sexy AF in this, no pressure xx”
I buy my gf lingerie all the time, it’s a gift for myself but she appreciates my taste and how pretty it all is / how she looks in it. She’s never once been offended by it and typically they’re smaller gifts that let her know I’m thinking about her, but I do save really expensive pieces for special occasions in addition to the regular gift.
Also think about your appearance and put in some effort to show things aren’t one sided, buy something she’ll find you sexy in to put on special.
Everytime I have purchased lingerie as a gift it’s never been a total surprise…..we enjoy looking at together and usually we have a few bookmarked and I’ll order one…..if she’s getting it as a present for me we usually do the same…..only time I was totally in the dark was when she did a boudoir shoot and I didn’t get to see until she gave me the book and pictures
My best advice would be to bring her shopping in those lingerie stores
I’m an old geezer, and in all my years dealing with women, not one was ever offended by a gift, and especially not lingerie. She’ll be impressed that you care enough to know what size she wears and that you weren’t bashful about making the purchase. She’s a lucky woman.
Wow! How did you even come up with this? I mean this should show how attractive you find her. I believe its the ultimate sexy gift you could give her and no woman who ive ever gifted lingerie has ever had any issue with it!
There is always a first time, and tell her that you would love to see her in that lingerie, women like to show their charms to their partner, I recommend that you see heels and boots at SHEIN. Temu and AliExpress have a wide variety of colors and designs of all types of clothing and accessories at good prices
You could potentially group it with other gifts as well, maybe a gift certificate for a manicure, massage, her favorite store, say you’re going out to a nice restaurant, etc
I guess have a talk with her, ask her if she would be ok wearing lingerie gauge how she feels if she is open to it then come clean and give the lingerie to her, if she is not so open then I guess try to return it. Just be honest
If you aren’t “kinky or explore many sexual sides”, you probably should not gift this to your partner without knowing her feelings on lingerie.
Talk to her. You don’t have to say you bought anything but just see how she feels about lingerie. You don’t want to offend her by giving her something she’s uncomfortable with but if you know how she feels about it, you may find out she’s completely onboard.
But I wouldn’t be so spontaneous if you guys don’t have that type of sexual relationship where you guys aren’t too adventurous. Especially considering lingerie is mostly for you, not her.
You need to talk with her. If you’re doing this to persuade her and having sex with you, that’s doing her dirty. We don’t know your relationship with her and how healthy your sex life is so it’s hard to say. After I had filed for divorce, my ex missed a text from me that I was going to be stopping by the house to pick up some of my things. There was a massage table in our bedroom along with two different colors of lingerie sitting in a plastic package. This is a man who coercively raped me for years. The same man that bought me a Christmas gift that I said we didn’t have money for and that I didn’t want it so he kept it for himself instead. He was a manchild – it was no wonder I was repulsed by sex with him. It was awful.
There are no words to describe my feelings when I saw the massage table and the lingerie sitting there. I felt absolutely repulsed.
However, put this in context for a healthy sexual relationship, and she may be very receptive. Context is everything here.
You have some good advice already on how to follow through on this but I sense you guys might be just a tad repressed sexually and this can be a good way for you two to start treading those deeper waters together. Let go of the guilt and go have fun!
If I say the name, Tiger Woods, do you think of him golfing? Are we robbing Tiger Woods of his humanity by thinking of the activity he is most associated with? Sometimes I feel we let this concern for objectification grow to an unproductive level. Sex is sensual; it engages all our senses. Asking for something to enhance your experience isn’t any different than your partner asking for a different technique to help them finish. Objectification isn’t a single act, it is the sum of multiple ones.