We’ve been together a long, long time. She’s my best friend and I love her dearly, but I don’t think I love her romantically. We haven’t had penetrative sex in 9 months partially due to her meds (ssri, I get it) and rarely (maybe once every other month) do some non penetrative stuff, and yet, she says she does love me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. She says she still finds me attractive.
She hasn’t had many friends, she’s just lost her two best friends, she’s said that I’m pretty much her best friend and boyfriend. She’s really amazing, and when I write out a list it’s pretty even on pro’s and con’s. My friends keep saying I should break up with her, that it’s too platonic and comfortable.
My eyes have been wandering alongside my thoughts for a long time. How is that fair to her? I have tried talking to her about wanting more sex, wanting more dates (not just stay in and watch Netflix), wanting her to take her health more seriously (she gained a lot of weight, and I don’t think that’s something that’s attraction based for me, but I think the laziness of “I’ll just order a pizza, cooking is hard” constantly is bugging me), and she’s still not graduated from college due to doing it part time, and I am on track for my masters and have been out of school, employed full time in a great job with advancement opportunities while I wait for my masters program to open up.
My friends and family say we are growing in different directions, and I need to get out now / a year ago, but it makes me sad to hear people say it unsolicited. They just say it’s not fair to me or to her, but she texts me everyday and calls, lets me know how much she loves me, and when I’ve brought up breaking up, she breaks down. In January I asked her if she would go on dates with me again, plan things out each week (one date idea from me, one for her) and I could help pay for it or plan it, but we need ideas. She didn’t follow thru past the first month. Also asked her what she’s doing to achieve her dreams, she said she’s not sure if she has a dream right now and when I said I may have to move away for school, she said she would move with me.
She lives in a shitty household, her brother and father are verbally abusive and her mother is drunk and sleeps through most of it. I just feel so shitty that it would add to it. But she is my best friend and I told her that if we did end it, (this was 3 months ago), that I’ll make sure she’s prioritized, invited to friend group hangs, and not a day will go by where she isn’t loved. I just wish I didn’t feel this way. When all of the people you care about / trust that haven’t led you astray say that this is not working and you’d both be happier, I want to listen, but part of me feels like I can’t. Even typing this right now I’m shivering and feeling like shit.
I also wonder if I would make a giant mistake. That’s the risk we take. But being comfortable isn’t good / complacent. But then I wonder if it’s normal and these are the phases every relationship goes through. Would I throw it away? The thought of her with someone else really hurts me, but I know it can’t be fair to her. It feels like everyday she’s falling more in love with me and I’m distancing myself from her more mentally. The lack of sex, the lack of dates, it just feels like roommates, but when we do cuddle and hangout, I don’t want to do it with anyone else. I’m so conflicted and confused. I’ve asked to couples counselling as well and offered to pay, and she hasn’t show much interest or follow up. We don’t ever fight, but it is frustrating when I feel like I’ve laid out what I want and she isn’t trying. She has seemed to try more since her best friends dropped her (not her fault, they’re shit people, she’s wonderful… they dropped her over a co worker not liking her after a bad joke, long story). All my insecurities, my strengths, she sees them and loves on me at any stage, loyal lady, from literal thick to my now thin / muscular, I feel like I’m throwing away something special and maybe this is just a “stuck” period…
Any practical advice would be helpful. I’m sure I’ll get a grow a set n do it OR you’re an asshole for leading her on or something when I feel this way, but I have really tried everything I can and feel it’s going nowhere. I just also feel this is a real time of vulnerability and there won’t ever be a good time, is there any way staying is the better idea and this time will pass? If not, is there a better time to do this?