Others gel together so effortlessly. They get along, joke around, ask each other silly questions, share themselves without any fear of judgement. They are happy to see each other, they speak highly whoever's not in the room.
I'm different. I can't join in the fun, and I never see anyone else suffer the same as me. Surely if I act like them, I'd only get funny looks, laughed at, be told to shut up, even be talked over/ignored. It's happened before, to the point I'm now I'm too afraid to try. I don't count, because I'm not one of them – I'm like a goblin dressed in human clothing, and everyone can see it except me. My opinions don't count, my participation is unwelcome.
So instead, I go inside myself, and people exclude me in exactly the way I fear most: Acting like I'm not even there. They pose questions to each other, almost making a point of omitting me. I know they think I'm a miserable piece of shit, that's probably half the reason they ignore me.
Sometimes I try to include myself, with varying levels of success. But historically I've said something fucking stupid, and I get 'that look', and I know they'll bring it up among themselves for years to come; almost like any minor embarrassment from me is a major event that nobody forgets. In those moments I realise it would've been less-painful to just have sat quietly and be left out.
I just want to fucking belong. For once, I want to be part of the group, to be treated the same as everyone else. Maybe I'm hoping for too much; I'm pretty sure I'm cursed, and I deserve to be excluded.