Hi everyone,
My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been together for a little over 3 years. We moved in together about a year ago, and lately I’ve been struggling a lot with how I feel.
I love him deeply — he’s funny, kind, and makes me genuinely happy when I’m not overthinking everything. But when I step back and look at things more objectively, I feel like I put so much more effort into our relationship than he does. And it really hurts, because I want to give him everything and make him happy… but I don’t feel like he does the same for me.
Here are a few examples: • I give him a massage every night when he comes home from work because I know he loves it. But when I ask him to massage me — even when I’m in pain — he either refuses or does it for about 5 seconds before stopping. • For our 3-year anniversary, I spent weeks making a scrapbook of our memories. He forgot to order my present and gave it to me three days later. • Around the house, I do almost everything — cleaning, laundry, changing the bed, vacuuming, etc. It didn’t bother me at first because he works full-time and I’m a student working from home. But when I told him I’d at least like some appreciation or help, his response was, “I don’t care if it’s clean. If you care, then you should clean it.” • His only chore is taking out the trash, and even then, I have to remind him constantly. • I’ve talked to him about love languages and explained that mine is different from his. I asked if he could try to show love in a way that resonates more with me. He said the whole concept is silly and that he loves “in his own way” and won’t change it. • Food is another small but painful example — I always offer him some of what I’m cooking or making, but when he cooks, he rarely asks if I want any, unless he happens to have leftovers.
Despite all this, I don’t think he’s a bad person or a bad boyfriend. He’s funny, caring in his own way, and he truly makes me happy a lot of the time. But when I stop and think about our dynamic, it just feels wrong.
I feel heartbroken because I love him so much, but I’m starting to wonder if he really loves me the same way — or if it’s just the love I pour into our relationship that keeps it alive.
I’m not looking for people to just say “break up with him.” If it were that simple, I probably would have already. I really just want some advice, or maybe to hear from people who have felt the same way — when everything seems fine day to day, but deep down, something just doesn’t feel right when you stop and think about it.
TL;DR: I love my boyfriend, but I feel like I’m putting in all the effort while he barely reciprocates. I do most of the chores and try to show love, but he’s dismissive even though I know he loves me. I care about him deeply, yet I’m starting to wonder if it’s just comfort and not love for him.