Hey humans, I need perspective. Help a friend out. I (30F) have been dating a guy (28M) for two years.
At the beginning of our relationship I was struck by the depth of our conversations, his (verbal) support of my painting, and how he turned his life around (gave up drugs and alcohol 3 years ago). He took practical steps to show up for me—changed the litter box for my cats, took the recycling out, took my car to get the tires rotated. In the past I dated guys who talked a big game, but never did anything, so I felt so hopeful.
(For extra context, both of my parents are mentally ill drug addicts so there’s lots of pain there and kinda… hope for care? Which I know I need therapy for).
Anyway, while we’ve been together I squared away my first year of a social work masters program and it was the hardest thing Ive ever done. In the meantime, he lost his job 8 months ago and has been playing music on the weekends to scrape by. I told him the high risk of that (lack of savings, etc) was making me nervous. He also really wasnt scraping by bc he didnt have enough money for food… so I started paying. Now I buy almost all of our groceries, and Ive been pleading with him to get a more secure job in addition to music… just a bookstore or something 2 days a week! (or something).
Anyway he wont. He is working really hard to make enough money with music, but he wont get another job. And yesterday he got asked to leave his living situation so…He needs somewhere to land. He’s not from this town, so there aren’t a ton of options. I want to be a good partner and show up, but my nervous system is terrified.
He did say he may have found something for work this week, and with losing his housing maybe he’ll be more open to change?
When I question him about the situation I feel like our conversation always ends up with my “trauma.” ie: clearly Im having a big reaction bc I have trauma and it’s not fair to him bc Im not seeing all he does for me.
On top of all of it the uncertainty and anxiety makes me heartbroken bc Im yearning for a “forever home” with someone.
My question is: If I were a friend, what would you advise me to do? Is it amoral to tell him he cant stay with me? (or maybe to stay with not just me? me part time and his moms part time?) If he does stay here, is there anything I can do to stay sane? (make a chore chart, or something? and have a timeline?). Im open to the thoughts
TL;DR My (30F) boyfriend (28M) doesnt have a job and just got kicked out. Im concerned about him staying at mine. What should I do?