This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Had date #5 last night with the guy I’ve been seeing and it went well 🙂 We cooked dinner together and it was really nice! Things seem to be going really well and I have no evidence to the contrary, but it doesn’t stop my anxiety from constantly telling me “He’s probably not really that into you and is just hanging around until something better comes along. He’ll get bored of you soon if he isn’t already.” Working on telling that voice SILENCIO BRUNO! (Pixar, anyone??) I feel like I constantly critique myself after dates and think about how I could’ve been more engaging, could’ve asked more questions, could’ve initiated more. Gotta remind myself that 5 dates means I’m clearly doing alright 😅
First weekend trip! I’m excited, but I’ve been staring at my closet for hrs now trying to figure out how to pack lightly for that trip. Wish there was a device that could just shrink your entire closet cus that would make life so much easier. For him it’s probably so easy, just throw some clothes into a bag and done. I’m over here like hmmmm … 2 hrs later
Ended a situation that wasn’t meeting my needs or dating goals. Both of us were mature, kind, and straightforward about it. <3
Scheduling a third date for Sunday after a really amazing second date last weekend. Trying to talk myself out of the clouds, and also out of my anxiety. We’re at two different life stages (he’s also 8 years older) so I’m wondering what he wants with me even though he’s only interested in something casual to start and open to more – something I’ve never done but for where I am I think focusing on a serious committed relationship would be too distracting anyway, I’ve just gotta tell my adhd to stop obsessing lol. I’m coming back into dating as a more healthy version of myself but insecurities are bubbling up and getting projected. Asking myself if he were in my position or worse, would /I/ care as long as he was taking care of his own shit and didn’t seem crazy? And I wouldn’t, because that’s not what I’m worried about in dating. And that makes me feel a lot better.
So, its official, I’ll be returning to work on December 19th. So I have a lot of time between now and then recovering at home lol. I think it’ll be a good time for some reflection and new settings of goals I want to accomplish next year.
I want to get my own place next year, rebuild a healthy savings from nothing, pay off debt, get my credit score back up. But I can only focus on one thing at a time, and right now I’m recovering from surgery with more health stuff coming up, so I can only focus on this right now. Sorry I guess this isnt really dating related lol
I’m feeling so so deflated about dating right now. It’s been a month of nothing, or only disappointments. I’m in such a negative space right now, and I just don’t seem to be able to crawl out of it. I’m sure the energy I’m putting out isn’t right either as a result. Sigh.
The men I’ve been matching with on dating apps do not ask questions, or seem to understand the concept of making conversation. Double sigh.
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It’s a wild feeling that I’m still being watched by someone I briefly dated a little over 2 years ago. I thought she was genuinely out of my hair (finally) a couple of months ago but she’s once again poking around my socials.
I’d block her but knowing she’d just make a new account to keeps tabs on me, so I’d rather keep her where I can track her moves clearly JIC. Thankfully, she’s not harassing me.
What is it with that curiosity about what I’m up to? I’ve noticed some other women I was either dating or interested in but lost touch with when things didn’t work out do this too. Not right away. But a couple months after.
With most of them I’m actually perfectly amenable to a conversation if they want to have one. But this covert kind of behavior is just annoying.
Ughh
So Im trying to create some space between me and this guy. We met 2 times, 2 days apart. Im starting to feel a little overwhelmed and want some time to process the whole thing.
Nice guy, very patient with me and just overall reassuring.
But I dont feel a thing when seeing him so thats also why I wanted to create some space so I can process what im thinking. However at the spur of the moment after 2nd date, I sent a text saying that I enjoyed our chat and wanted to see if he was open to meeting a 3rd time.
He said he’d be open to meeting again if I was open too.
I haven’t responded to his response yet
And he just sent me a good morning text but im not sure if I should text back hi and good morning.
😥
Edit: thank you all in advance for your replies. Really appreciate the feedback!
Got no (social) plans for the weekend and wanted to set a date but nobody’s matching with me/responding to messages lol what a sad life
First weekend trip with the woman I’m seeing. We haven’t even had a sleepover yet (but have hooked up a couple times).
Last trip I went on with someone other than my ex was over 10 years ago so little nervous and rusty. We’ll be staying at a cabin couple hours away. Any advice or tips or tricks?
So much of the discussion around dating just feels like people talking in a code that I can’t decipher. Would I would maybe be fine with. Except when I try to be subtle (when talking about non-dating topics), people apparently have no idea what I’m talking about! At least when I’m being subtle, it’s an attempt to be polite. But when people are vague or confusing about dating, it just feels really mean-spirited.
Went on a date yesterday with a guy I was on the fence about matching with. Wasn’t sure I’d find him attractive. Also wasn’t sure about his personality. But so complimentary and a great conversationalist, so I gave it a shot.
On the date I felt overall not into him physically or personality wise but kept thinking what a bummer because of XYZ commonalities.
Between that deflating experience and watching season finale of Love is Blind my good mood tanked yesterday. But I’m back on the upswing today.
I’m back to the dating apps after a casual relationship ended over the weekend. I got a text on Sunday that the person I was seeing met someone over the span of two weeks and decided to impulsively get married to him on Monday. Fuck… life comes at you fast. I just saw a photo of her with her new husband on Tuesday and as casual as that relationship was, it was a bit of a mind-fuck. That photo was definitely enough to get me to move on.
Online dating is going as well as expected, which is to say, not a single fucking match!
Some Hinge prompt feedback?
I’m looking for:
A fellow introvert who loves video games, relaxing outdoors, live music, and farmers markets. Someone who prefers calm slow days, and doesn’t romanticize being busy.
Best travel story:
Taking a guided bike tour in Amsterdam and nearly riding off a small bridge and into a stream 🫣 the guide was afraid I wouldn’t make it to the end and sent me back lol embarrassing but funny
Typical Sunday:
Waking up early enough to catch the 1st run of Weekend Edition, then Hillcrest Farmers Market, likely followed by an afternoon jog or hike, and finally resting at home watching sports or playing video games
1st date tonight! Im excited for it. We are going to a spooky Mexican place.
My dog died yesterday. It was time. I am not okay. She was my world for 13 years; the entire cadence of my life revolved around her. It feels like I don’t know who I am anymore. Boyfriend and I had planned our first out of town overnight for this weekend, and I don’t know if I can or should go. Who tries to have fun 3 days after their best friend dies? We live about an hour apart, so I haven’t seen him since Sunday night. I have only felt like talking on the phone once after I had medicated myself to the point that I could speak without breaking down. People keep calling me, and I’m not answering. All I want to do is lay here.
Okay, can someone explain to me how to get out of this weird Hinge jail I must be in? I redownloaded the app 3 days ago made my profile after an almost 2 month break.
I don’t mean this to be vain, but I’m decently pretty and put a good amount of thought into my profile. Answered all the prompts, have some lighthearted stuff while also making it clear my values (religion, politics, relationship type etc) using the prompts it gives etc. I have good pics of my face, some showing my whole body, pics that show my hobbies etc
I get at most one match a day? last time I was on Hinge I got like 20+ likes a day. No shot I’ve gotten uglier in 2 months, esp bc I’m rocking this post situationship bod 😂
I’m supposed to go on a first date this evening… curious to see if he will confirm it’s on without me saying anything, or if I will have to check in. Part of me wouldn’t care in the slightest if he bailed.
It’s in moments like this (and other recent instances of quickly losing interest with dating app matches) that I realize I probably am fearful avoidant and not just garden variety anxiously attached, although my most recent ghosting situationship absolutely put me in the AA side of disorganized.
There is even a guy I’m chatting with on Hinge that I guess I’m trying to push away by bringing up potential incompatibilities, and he’s like “no it’s cool I’m fine with that!” each time. Maybe he’s a people pleaser, or maybe I’m not used to the flexibility and understanding?
He stabbed me in the back. I thought we were building a life together, he took a job abroad without discussing it with me. Begged me for a long distance relationship after having already accepted the job.
And he was the one concerned that I never trusted him, then proceeding to betray me. Not sure how I can ever trust anyone again.
I am bored with my own lack of dating life so if anyone needs advice (female perspective here) feel free to reply to this lol
Let’s say someone isn’t exactly your coworker that you see on a daily basis, but you will have to work with them on something that requires emailing back and forth, would it be okay to be set up with them? To be honest, this dude is someone I could see myself getting along with, but I said no to being set up with him because I got scared things might get awkward
Dating apps suck, they’re designed to just make money and unless you’re willing to pay money to be “boosted” for views, you just get the bottom of the barrel matches.
Being a gamer, I’m going to just resort to MMOs for dating since at least I’ll get to play a game with paying a monthly fee. Wow, FF XIV or new world best for meeting people in their 30s?
After a four-ish month long break I am back on the apps. I spent just an hour or two on Bumble before one of my matches asked me for a coffee and bookstore date next weekend. I have to admit I was secretly hoping the Spanish single dad I met around this time last year (and dated for three months) would have come back around, but he hasn’t. He would have been separated for over a year now, as opposed to the three months he had been separated when we first met. After all the dates I went on this year, he is still the best connection I have had and I do still miss him. But I have to move on. So I’m back on Bumble with no expectations except to meet new people now it’s spring.
Just curious what topics people like to bring up consistently on first dates and what topics you think should be avoided.
Here’s usually what I like to talk about and what to avoid, let me know if you agree or disagree and if you can think of any good ones.
Do’s:
Work
Family
Where they are from
Hobbies
Upcoming vacations/favorite places they’ve been
Things they are passionate about
Anything you might have in common that you talked about online
Worst OLD experiences (these are a fun way to break the ice IMO, but it’s best to talk for a bit first and make sure things are going well)
Dont’s:
Politics (this one can be okay if you already know you are aligned and the conversation naturally leads there, but is probably better off for a second or third date IMO.)
Religion. This one’s the same as politics really, I think it can be okay if you are talking about your upbringing, but it’s important to read the room and know the person you are dating. I wouldn’t date someone with exact opposite beliefs than me , but a lot of people leave their profiles blank and a first date is just a vibe check most of the time anyway so there’s no real point in digging in deep and causing drama if you aren’t going to see this person again anyway. Better to talk about on the second or third date.
This is hardly a new topic or lament, but after a few weeks of getting back into online dating, I (35M) am floored by the epidemic of one-sided interactions that happen on the apps today.
We’ve all been through this at various points. You match with someone on an app. You send the first message and you make an effort with it (say, a fun question inspired by something on the person’s profile) and you receive a one sentence or even one word reply. No follow up question and not even a comment about something they noticed on your profile, that you can work with. And you’re left wondering if you bother responding.
It seems like this frustrating trend just keeps getting worse and more pervasive.
Over the last few weeks, I messaged several matches and only one of them responded in a way that actually left the door open for a quick preliminary chat before taking things to the real world on a date. Ultimately that’s a good outcome but I still couldn’t help but feel stunned by how little effort people seem to be putting into online dating these days. And look, I get it. There’s a lot about online dating that sucks. None of us *love* being here. But…we are here.
Anyway, that’s the end of my rant.
I am sorry for this long text, I am just writing here again to ease my mind. I have no one to talk to. I am starting to feel emotionally disconnected from my partner of 7mo. He has been putting of important plans, cancelled on a few (like meeting parents), flaked and withdrew when he was invited to meet my friends, and has not tried to show much understanding for my feelings. I have talked to him about this in a lighthearted way several times. He says he respects my feelings and he was stressed/ want to save money etc in those situations. He has even talked about moving cities several times without asking how I felt about it. I had to bring it up. He was the one who introduced me to friends first, and invested a lot of consistent effort to get my heart. He is super kind and loving in general.
I have invited him again to meet my friends in a really cute text saying it ‘is nice to make shared memories and I’d appreciate seeing him there’ (bc I need this and I need to have some fun with him and to see him with friends.) So.. he replied with a question with what seems like him pretending not to understand my message. I said again I’d love to see him there. He then went on about some stress with work and money. He has been going on about the stress all day. Not a single question about my day. He always complains how tired he is. He always want to stay at his. Even though I’ve explained on our very first date that our terms for dating is that I get to stay mostly in my city and I’ll try to meet him halfway. He lives in a village which is close by. It’s getting complicated. He is never home bc of work. His love and affection was the glue, now I’m starting to see how self centred he might be. I might have got this all wrong but my gut is telling me I am fooling myself. He might be depressed, scared about the next big step, or stressed about finances.
I really want to say if he doesn’t show up tomorrow, then I’m pulling back. I’ve been thinking with myself… I rejected a few potential partners along the months of our early relationship (don’t get me wrong… I am in a really good place with myself and I noticed back then that my shift in energy and glow attracted more date invites), a few have contacted me to see if I have changed my mind, but I trusted my bf with my heart and said I was going to stick with it and that I had met «my man». It just feels a bit frustrating, my feet are on the groun, I’m emotionally available, and the best I feel I can be for him and what I’m left with is this feeling which I can’t put words on. I did keep my standards for a long time in our early dating bc I wanted to see if he was the man for me. He really showed so many green flags. There were some red ones but we talked them trough. If I leave I’ll be on my own, 36 and starting from scratch. If I stay I’ll loose my peace. The fact that he dodged my warm and loving invite to meet friends and spend the weekend together says so much. It’s like a switch was turned off over the course of a week. A week ago he booked a cabin trip in four months for us. He buys / brings me little inexpensive gifts to show his care for me. He has been checking in with me every night with loving good night messages for 7 months. Lately he has stopped telling me about my day. Perhaps it’s normal for a relationship to stall at this time 7-8mo. I am just asking myself: how many weeks/months should I allow him. How am I going to lie to my friends about why they haven’t been introduced.. I am not sure if breaking up will help. I don’t have answers. My parents are holding their breath, they really wish the best for me, and want to finally se me happy. My bff is scared he might be wrong for me. I told myself if I enter this relationship I will stick to it and grow together, relationships will always have difficulties. I really don’t have answers for myself right now. I just know that I am building some kind of resentment. He is just complaining, I try to make a cute jokes sometimes to lighten up the vibe. But he doesn’t use the momentum to bring us closer. I realise it’s often on his terms even though I keep my standards and stand my ground.
I keep spending so much time on this. It’s like I’ve taken a step back and seen my relationship with new eyes. And all I see is difficulties and little action. We have this trip coming up so maybe we just need time. I might be wishing for action because I’m older than him. But I am spending so much wasted energy on the confusion he brings upon us. I have no answers just starting to feel overwhelmed
My therapist is encouraging me to stop seeing my feral guy. She was rooting for us until I let out something about him that she felt was a red flag and could trigger my CPTSD (not her exact words, but that was the implication). I do think she’s somewhat right, and in my mind I was playing out how to end it, but we had our fourth date last night and it was actually a really good one. I had been losing feelings for him because I started to feel we didn’t have enough in common to work off of, and it was getting hard to deepen our connection beyond sex, but we had a lengthy discussion last night on our individual interests and that was when he suggested we do stuff that he loves to do together, and it was enough to bring back some of that initial attraction to him I had early on. To me, it showed he wanted to introduce me into his world, and I guess maybe that was the missing piece I was waiting for the whole time. It revealed to me our connection wasn’t as shallow as I thought. But now, I need to evaluate whether or not my therapist is right about him. She encourages me to bring up the bad stuff about him the next time I see him, so I will do that
Well, I bit the bullet; I have a phone consultation with a therapist tomorrow.
Went on a first date. Her pictures on the app were terrible, almost all unflattering selfies. She had one good photo, which honestly still wasn’t that great. So naturally she ended up looking better in person. I kind of find her attractive in certain ways but I’m kinda not sure. Gonna see her a second time and see how it goes.
Was listening to a podcast and the guest was a certified matchmaker (which apparently has a legit certification based off NY). Any thoughts on actually working with a professional matchmaker?
Booked a first date for saturday but she asked if we could talk on the phone for a bit beforehand. The call consisted of her asking me questions rapid-fire like a job interview, to the point where I had to interrupt to ask her something about herself. After the call ended she texted me saying “no connection” and cancelled the date.
Not really sure what I was supposed to have done differently. So it goes.
A while back one of my friends was thinking about leaving her husband.
The short version of it is he got into a considerable amount of credit card debt behind her back (in the tens of thousands from what I understand) and could no longer financially contribute to their household.
They ended up losing their house.
She was obviously very upset and eventually confided in me she wanted a divorce.
I was having a hard time dating at the time and told her she should not divorce him because it’s hard out here and there’s no guarantee she’d find someone better.
Months go by and we go out to lunch where she tells me she wants to pay to thank me for saving her marriage. She said she thought about what I said and I was right.
I have never been more internally horrified in my life. Like what do you mean you thought about what I said? That cavalier advice I gave because I was bitter about being single??? Like girlypop, you were homeless because of him idk maybe we need to think about this more in depth?!
I saw them yesterday and every time I see them together I am just horrified.
I “missed” a match on bumble recently. Her profile looked pretty good but she mentioned that she lets her dogs sleep in the bed.
Can’t do it. Sorry, not sorry.
Inspired by the comment on first date conversation topics, what are the things you’re trying to figure out on a first date? Not overall chemistry and vibe, specific stuff.
I changed my plan. So I showed up at his apartment with cookies on Thursday night instead of Friday evening.
He said I made his night again after a long workday.
It was a peanut butter/chocolate cookies and a snickerdoodle. He had it with coffee before going to the gym. He came into the bedroom and said it was the best cookie he had ever had. I’m really happy he likes it 🥰