I [47F] can’t say no to wife [43F] about her mom [70s] staying over

My partner and I have been together for almost 20 years. We have 2 young kids. You’d think we’d have worked out the big stuff by now, but we’ve been in couples therapy for the past year to get better at communicating and letting go of old baggage — no infidelity or anything major, just years of poor communication and disagreements.

One recurring issue is her relationship with her mom. We’re both Asian, but she has much more traditional values than I do, and from the beginning, she was very upfront that her family — especially her mom — was very important to her. Back when we first met, we lived on the opposite coast from her mom, and she made it clear that her long-term goal was always to move back closer to her mom, that was fine.

Fast forward to now: we’ve made life choices that brought us back to her home state. Her mom lives 50 minutes away. To me, that already felt like a big improvement for my wife — going from across the country to a drivable distance. We already visit her mom at least once a month, sometimes more, which isn't a huge deal.

Recently, she’s started saying she wants her mom to start staying over at our house on weekends. And not just occasionally — she wants it to be at least two weekends a month. When I expressed that that seemed like a lot, and could she compromise? She said that this is her compromise, because if it were fully up to her, she’d have her mom stay over every weekend. This felt terribly unfair to me because conversely I could argue that I am compromising because I want her to stay over zero weekends a month.

The hardest part is that if there’s even a hint of reluctance or hesitation about her mom staying over, it’s treated like a personal attack. And this is despite us agreeing in therapy that “any topic is up for discussion” and that she’s “more than willing to compromise.” In reality, I feel like I can’t say no — because the moment I do, all the goodwill I’ve been building gets wiped out. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like I can be a 95% good partner, but the second this issue comes up, I’m suddenly the bad guy: “unsupportive,” “disrespectful of her family values,” or “going back on promises I made before we got married.”

Her mom usually comes Friday late morning via Uber when my partner is at work and I receive her because I work from home, and then on Sunday, my partner insists on driving her mom back home — and wants to bring the kids along too, to spend more time with her mom. Most of the time, I also come along for the ride because I want to spend SOME time with our kids on the weekend after we drop her mom off, which turns into a full-day thing: an hour there in traffic, hang out on her mom’s couch for an hour or two, sometimes a restaurant meal, and then an hour back. It doesn’t sound like much, but it eats the whole day.

And then when we drive home, she says she’s too tired to drive both ways, so I end up taking the wheel even though I’m also tired.

I have proposed other options — could her mom Uber back home so we can save some of the Sunday for our own little family? Can her mom come on Friday and then go back home Saturday? Could my partner drive her mom home herself so I at least get some alone time with the kids on the weekend — that is met with "I want the kids to spend time with their grandma too."

Now, for the record, I don’t dislike her mom. She’s kind and easygoing, and we’ve gone on full vacations with her. But her English is limited, and while we share the same heritage, I don’t speak the language. So when she’s over, it’s mostly just my wife and her talking in their shared language. I end up retreating to the bedroom — partly to give them space, but also because I feel excluded. Not intentionally — they always say I’m welcome to hang out — but it’s hard to feel like you belong in a conversation you can’t participate in.

To make it harder, we live in a very small house with two young, high-energy kids. So when it’s three adults and two kids in the living space all weekend, it’s just a lot. I really value the comfort of my own home, and while I enjoy having guests, I also enjoy when guests go home. I don’t feel comfortable having someone stay over for an entire weekend — especially not every other weekend, indefinitely. It doesn’t feel restful.

For context, my own parents live 20 minutes away, and I see them far less often than I see my partner’s mom. I’m not selectively targeting her mom — I just don’t like having overnight guests unless it’s necessary. I make exceptions for visiting family, but it’s tough in a small house. And honestly, it feels a bit disconnected to treat my partner’s mom with more regularity and attention than I give my own parents. I’m not saying everything has to be exactly equal, but it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m expected to prioritize her side of the family in a way that I’m not even doing for my own — and that doesn’t sit quite right with me, although I don't overthink this point.

What’s hard is the rigidity of the schedule — the expectation that half of all weekends are going to be taken up like this. We both work full-time, and we recharge in different ways. She finds it fulfilling to spend time with her mom; for me, it’s draining. And it feels like I don’t have a say in how I relax in my own space, or even how I spend half my weekends — like that’s already been decided for me. When I’ve tried to express that, her response is usually something like, “Well, you can just go out and do something else,” like she’s doing me a favor by freeing me from my own house. But that’s not a favor. What I actually want is to hang out in my own living room in pajamas playing video games with the kids, or stretch out on the couch without having to worry about someone else’s comfort or whether I’m being rude. I may not be bending over backwards to accommodate my MIL, but I was raised to show basic respect to elders — so I can’t fully switch off and relax when someone else is in our space.

Just to add more context — it’s not like my mother-in-law is the one pushing for these extended visits. She’s genuinely easygoing. She loves seeing the kids and spending time with us, but she’s just as happy doing that for a 24-hour visit as she is staying the whole weekend. She actually enjoys the comfort of her own home, and she’s perfectly fine with us coming to her or just arranging an Uber for a shorter visit. These extended stays are entirely my wife’s request because she says her mom's presence is comforting to her, which I get.

What really makes this more frustrating is that these weekends could be light and pleasant — a fun visit from grandma, a shared meal, some time with the kids — and then she goes home. But whenever I try to suggest something like, “Hey, maybe she could go back a little earlier?” or “We could just Uber her home instead of making a day out of it,” things escalate FAST. A hardness comes over my wife’s face, and the next thing I know, she’s telling me her mom can already sense that something is “off” — and now her mom is going to go home early — which makes me look like the bad guy, and frankly feels guilt trippy. It becomes this whole emotional fallout just for having a preference.

That’s especially hard because I don’t want to damage the relationship with her mom. I like her mom. But now I’m stuck looking like the asshole, when all I did was try to express a boundary.

Anyway, I’d really appreciate any advice on how to navigate this — especially from anyone who’s dealt with similar cultural or generational expectations around family involvement.

TLDR;

My wife wants her mom to stay over two weekends a month, minimum. I don’t dislike her mom — she’s nice — but I need space, and our house is small with two little kids. When I try to express that it’s too much, it turns into a whole thing. Her mom isn’t even asking for this — it’s entirely my wife’s push. Just feeling like I have no say in how I spend my own weekends, and any boundary I try to set makes me the bad guy.