38/M. I am a stable career, above average looks, good conversationalist and good personality. Most recently I met a 40 year old woman at speed dating. She was very shy. She never initiated text but I also think it's partly because she wasn't that into me. Last week she came over for dinner (her suggestion). She talked about another guy on the date which I checked her on (not cool esp. on a third date). I asked for another date on Monday night. She took 2.5 days to respond giving the classic "You're a nice guy. It was great getting to know you, but I don't feel a spark." Why do you talk to a guy for a month, go on three dates and go over to his place twice if you "dont feel a spark." Makes 0 sense. I am tired of dating and putting effort in. Just feels like a lost cause. I never seem to get the type of relationship I want. I am jealous of others who have it because I have never had it. My longest relationship is 4 months and I am 38.
26 comments
What happened when she went over to your place
This sub alternates between “why do women take so long to tell me they didn’t feel a spark?” And “why do women always cut things off after a first date because they don’t feel a spark? Why don’t they give us a chance!”
The older you get the pickier women become the sad part is the older you get you will also experience “The Spark” less and less 1. you’re older thus more experinced and jaded which leads to 2. Being experince takes away the naivete of your emotions 3. Most people looking for the spark are not realistic. The older you get the harder it becomes to find and sometimes it also may take a while
In other words it’s not you OP it’s them
In my experience, it signals immaturity especially at that age. In my opinion, anyone over the age of 25 chasing excitement (but not willing to nurture it together) over stability and safety is showing a flaw in their personal development.
Red flag.
Guys do the same thing just fyi. I’m 33 and was in a long relationship for 6 years, got out of it 8 months ago, and I’ve liked two guys I have met so far on dating apps, one dumped me after 2 months of hanging out saying no compatibility, the other ghosted me after the second date. I think it’s just modern dating. It sucks.
Usually people that end things due to no spark in a short time period, think the rush of endorphins in the beginning of a relationship are “it”. Eventually those dissipate and you get to know someone but for those chasing the endorphin rush, they don’t feel a spark and move on.
It could be that you made your date feel shame/embarrassment over something she spoke about on the initial date. Even if it was tacky, pointing out what others should not do is a quick way to get turned down for future dates.
If she talked about another guy on her date with you, that was your sign that she wasn’t into you. I wouldn’t have asked her out again after that.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this… have you ever tried doing some inner work? I say that in the most genuinely helpful way possible. I think sometimes we can really learn from our patterns and it makes the biggest difference. Try journaling or using a meditation app or even Manifest… get to know yourself a bit more before putting yourself out there again
Gut instinct says you are being too safe, boring, dry, and milquetoast.
There’s no tension, no excitement, no passion, no sizzle.
Be emotionally present, be alive in the moment. Hold her gaze. Be more naughtily teasing. Say things like you MEAN THEM FROM YOUR SOUL when talking about things that are emotional or important to you.
“What do you want to do for dinner?”
No spark answer: *”I dunno, what do you wanna do?”*
Spark answer has an idea, a plan, an intention of outcome.
* “Let’s get tacos — because I firmly believe life’s better when you’re holding a tortilla.”
* “Sushi. I need something that won’t make me look barbaric eating it in front of you.”
* “Italian – because certainly that’s an offer you can’t refuse”
You’re talking like attraction is a prize you earn for being a “good guy.” Career, looks, personality, effort: check, check, check.
Then when it doesn’t work, you act like someone broke the contract.
That’s not how it works. Nobody owes you chemistry. Nobody owes you closure that makes sense to you. Sometimes the answer really is just “no spark.” That’s not rejection of your worth it’s just reality.
Also, “I checked her on that” after she mentioned another guy? Big red flag.
You’d been on three dates. You weren’t exclusive. Correcting her like she violated something isn’t confidence, it’s control. And control kills connection faster than anything.
Here’s the truth: women don’t want to be managed, they want to feel *safe.* Safe to be uncertain. Safe to take things slow. Safe to say no. A healthy relationship isn’t built on effort, it’s built on ease. Mutual curiosity. Emotional safety. Freedom.
When your energy says “I did everything right, why don’t I get the result?” you stop being a person and start being a salesman. That’s why it doesn’t click, or at least why it wouldn’t click for me.
You don’t need to try harder. You need to let go. Stop chasing outcomes and start building connection. That’s where the spark actually lives.
I recently ended things with someone after a few dates because it turns out I wasn’t attracted to him. Saying exactly that to someone isn’t very kind though. He was a handsome guy, he was very kind, very funny, we had a lot in common.
However when we kissed for the first time, it was absolutely awful. After that, the idea of him touching me at all grossed me out. Obviously I’m not going to say to the guy “the idea of touching you and kissing you is repulsive.” So, hence, “I don’t feel a spark” or however else you want to word it.
Ask your female friends what it could be
“—which I checked her on” 🚩
IMO. Everyone who is single who says things like “I’m above average average XYZ” just tells me pretty much the exact opposite.
Tells me they are deluded. Also. What constitutes a good personality to you? Is it the same thing that a woman would agree with? A good personality for what?
I (F) use the first few dates to see if there is a spark. I feel like she’s letting you know how she feels before going on date 4, 5, 6, etc and wasting more time.
You’re in the two months jail, I’m in the 3 weeks jail. To each its own I guess😭
Woulda been over for her the minute she talked about another guy.
Third date is long enough to know if there’s physical attraction, I wouldn’t even talk to her after that.
I have always told men to stop listening to what women say when they end things. I don’t care if it’s been 10 days or 10 years. Women are not honest when breaking up because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Most people, but I see it with women the most. Whatever her reason, she didn’t want to share it.
I don’t know you, but work on yourself until you’re happy with yourself. If you’re happy with yourself and think “I’d date me” then you can just chalk it all up to incompatibility and let this stuff roll right off of you.
Just to put it in perspective, here’s a bunch of trivial reasons I’ve ended things with people: Loading the dishwasher wrong, not eating vegetables, volunteering with an organization I disagree with their funding org, owning a Tesla, etc. It goes on and on. Some of these things take longer to learn about the person than others, so the breakup happens later. Is there anything wrong with these people for doing any of these things? Nope, not at all. That’s why I just say I’m no longer interested and don’t give a reason. They’re perfectly fine the way they are, they’re just incompatible with me. I don’t want them to change, especially not for me. Once you’re happy with yourself, these things won’t bother you because you’ll know it’s just incompatibility anyway.
I’m a woman, it sounds like she was giving you a shot hoping there would be a spark, and there wasn’t. I’ve done something similar hoping feelings would develop with really great guys and it just didn’t happen, so after a month you cut it.
>She talked about another guy on the date **which I checked her on** (not cool esp. on a third date).
Yea I’m getting the vibe you’re one of those manosphere dudes. I imagine women are picking up on that as well and moving on.
You just have to keep trying, maybe you’re going after the wrong type of women or maybe you need to work on yourself. Maybe it’s both. All these questions can be answered by a therapist though
Do you escalate things physically each date or does it all stay pretty friendly? Also another issue I had with a similar thing that kept happening (being dumped after 2-4 months) is over sharing and too much contact between dates, not leaving anything there for her to discover or peel back bit by bit like an onion I feel like I was removing the intrigue. It’s difficult though man I’ve been in the same boat so many times and early 40s myself.
In my case, 25F it’s the opposite.
Any chance it’s political or moral in nature?
It took her 3 dates to friendzone you..that’s all…