Hi, DoT! This has been something that has been nagging at me for almost the entire six months I've been in a relationship with my SO. I'm fully anticipating and accepting of getting some tough feedback here, because I know I have a problem with letting go of control.
When I met my SO I finally understood what people are talking about when they say "you just know" when you ask how they knew they met their soulmate. You really do just know.
He is an absolutely perfect partner for me. He's kind, loving, calm, supportive, reliable, communicative, smart, skilled, funny, handles conflict well. My parents and friends love him.
He is very tolerant of my shortcomings, neuroses, idiosyncrasies. In many ways I wouldn't even say he's tolerant of them- it's not like he loves me in spite of my weirdisms, he loves me because of them. That's part of why I feel so bad about imposing any "changes" on him. Because he hasn't done that to me.
We've established that he won't propose before we've been together a year (that'll be in April).
Idk if it's because we're at the six month mark and it's getting closer, but all of the things I've been noting would have to change before we get married are now piling up at the forefront of my mind.
Something I love about him is also the root of my one issue with him.
He is very day-by-day and low stress about his approach to life, whereas I am very much a planner and I'm anxious about the future and planning for every rainy day. In some ways it's good we're different in this way. He has helped me to be less anxious and to stop catastrophizing about every little thing that can go wrong.
But the problem lies in the fact that he is also very day-by-day with his approach to finances. He actually makes more money than me, but in my opinion he manages it poorly. He doesn't have any retirement accounts. He rents a room in his friend's house. I like his friend but they blow money ordering Doordash and drinking beers and playing video games all the time. Frankly, I feel like he spends unnecessary money showering me with gifts too. I appreciate and love how generous he is but it concerns me. He didn't even have health insurance when we first started dating. I literally told him on our first date that isn't acceptable and he needs to call HR and enroll in his employer's health insurance. And he did, thankfully.
I will say he doesn't have any debt and his credit is good. So that is good.
I've been single since I was 24 years old and I have been getting my finances and affairs in order with the expectation of being lifetime single. I'm thrilled I'll now have a partner who enriches my life so much, but I'm also really struggling with seeing my meticulously planned future have to evolve and change.
I've told him specifically him not having a retirement account isn't ok with me, and I'm not entering a marriage where I'm the only one saving for retirement. And I told him I don't want him moving into my tiny condo because sharing a bathroom will turn me into a monster, so we need to purchase a larger condo together if we're moving in together.
He has told me he is willing to enact any changes that make me feel more comfortable. I just don't know at what stage I should start mandating (for lack of a better word) these changes.
If I can expect him to propose as soon as this April, at what point should I start lighting a fire under his ass to get some of this shit done? He was quick to get health insurance when I strongly suggested that, so I feel that is promising.
ORRRRRR…am I just being an insane control freak?! I don't want to be that person who bosses her SO around and gives all these ultimatums. Idk guys
EDIT/UPDATE:
Thank you so much to everyone for your feedback!
If there's one thing I've done a total 180 on over the course of reading this thread, the proposal timeline has got to stop being a thing.
I replied to someone ITT- when we first started dating we had the whole "I never thought I'd get married but as soon as we started dating I was like I want her to be my wife" (and vice-versa) conversation very early on. Which led to "well we definitely have to wait a year to get engaged or everyone will think we're nuts." And now I think I've had that in my mind as a means to assuage my anxiety about our future together and combining finances. I'm thinking to myself, well I've told him I'm only marrying him if x, y, z is in place. So if he wants to marry me he's going to meet my terms. So it has kind of become a comfort thing for me. At least that's what I'm starting to think as I lay here in bed psychoanalyzing myself lol
I've been looking at the whole situation completely wrong. We need to take marriage off the table, have a discussion about values, find common ground where we're both comfortable and motivated to reach those goals, and take it from there. If we can't do it, then I move on. Everyone is right that I don't want to enter a dynamic where I'm telling him what to do.
The good news is that he has always been very open, respectful, and receptive to me expressing my opinions so I think having an ongoing dialogue about this will go well. One way to find out!
Thank you again, everyone!