I recently found out (without him telling me) that my bf reached out to a girl he was DM’ing intimately when he was single, 6 months into our relationship. We’re now 2 years in. We were on the rocks at that time because he had a mini freak out moment with me. We were still together, but not talking much for a few days. I was his first long term relationship at 28 years old, and he had major communication issues. He was feeling like we weren’t getting along and nothing he could do was working for us.
He messaged her asking how she was and told her he missed her. She wasn’t very responsive to it. He deleted the message a few hours later saying he felt disgusting, and messaged me saying I was the only person he wanted in his life. She tried to contact him a few months later and he shut her down. Context behind them is they matched and DM’ed for a few months before he met me, including intimately, but it fizzled naturally. He said he saw her as a person who’s easy to talk to because she doesn’t know him IRL and he never had feelings, said that in that moment he said he missed her to try get her sympathy and have her there to vent to. Says he felt alone and just like he wanted to feel validated. He swears he has since felt awful about his shocking behaviour and never done anything questionable since.
This all came out now and we’ve been together for two years (so it was 1.5 years ago). After his freak out 6 months in, he begged me to go to therapy with him and he really showed up. We rebuilt and had an incredible relationship. He’s extremely committed now, building us a house and we were going to get engaged soon. We’re compatible in ways I never thought I could be with another human and he genuinely treats me like his queen.
It crushed me to find this out and that he’s lied to my face about it since it happened. A part of me that listens to the story as he tells it, thinks it’s worth staying. I want to believe that he was an idiot and that he’s learned to be better. Another part of me thinks surely if he’s done this he’s either done or capable of doing questionable things? I could never imagine giving my affection to someone else, and him doing this to me has broken my heart.
TL;DR: found out boyfriend of 2 years (soon to be fiancé had this not come out) DM’ed an old flame 6 months into our relationship, feeling betrayed and unsure whether to stay or leave.