So I (20F) am a very emotional person. I have a high level of neuroticism (at least according to the OCEAN test). I can get anxious and overwhelmed easily. Despite this I still try my best to communicate and empathize with my partner. I don’t think ignoring issues solves anything and I try talking about anything that bothers me. Thing is I still get very overwhelmed when my partner says I’ve hurt them. Which was an issue in my exrelationship (M22).
As a kid when I would mess up or do something I wasn’t allowed to do my dad (✨yay daddy issues✨) would get really angry, throw things and it would scare the shit out of me. So now as an adult when I feel like I mess up or have disappointed my partner I get this massive feeling of shame. It’s like I know I’m not in danger but if I don’t fix this by punish myself for this behavior my partner will become like my dad and eventually I’ll be in danger (my ex was never violent or anything, this is just a subconscious mindset). In my last relationship it would lead to him being worried about communicating with me because it would make me sad and I would have a hard time getting out of the mindset.
For example once I was a bit rude and he brought it up with me. I apologized, empathized, I didn’t even cry and we tried to move on. It was a small issue that was resolved quickly but I spent the next 15 minutes being down despite trying so hard to act normal. I didn’t act sad to punish him but in my head I was beating myself up. It was almost like I didn’t feel like I deserved to have a good time after making that small mistake. Which would discourage communication from him in the future.
Now I’m single again (for other reasons than were described in this post) and I feel like this was a big issue in my last relationship and I want to fix it so ease communication I future relationships. Any advice would be appreciated 🙏
TL;DR : I struggle to handle when I’ve hurt my partner, it makes me feel horrible and I don’t handle it constructively. How can I improve?