I (30M, introvert) live with my partner (31F, extrovert). She’s kind and loyal. But I carry the emotional/household load while she pours energy into friends, school, and her calendar. I’m often left with burnout and crumbs. Has anyone worked through this imbalance?
I (30M, introvert) have been with my partner (31F, extrovert) for almost 3 years. We live together, and I truly care about her. She has a big heart, shows up for people, and tries to build a full life. But lately, I’ve been struggling with what feels like an emotional and logistical imbalance in our relationship — and I’m not sure if it’s something we grow through or a deeper sign of misalignment.
Here’s what I mean: I carry most of the emotional/mental “household load” — planning meals, paying bills, scheduling things, keeping track of shared responsibilities. It doesn’t feel like we’re running the house as a team. It feels like I’m the one running it while she floats in and out of the shared responsibilities when convenient.
Her calendar varies month to month — between school, social events, and everything else, her energy is usually spent before she even gets to “us.” I know her social life and independence matter to her and help her stay upbeat, especially since her close friends are also extroverted things gets planned abruptly. but I often feel like an afterthought. When there is time, I get what’s left over — not what’s intentional. I never tell her to cancel events etc because I don’t want to get between that, but trying to maintain home is vital now I’m not saying she’s out everyday.
Intimacy feels lopsided too. After nights out or packed days, she’s emotionally spent. I’m left with scraps of energy, emotionally and physically. And when I try to bring it up, it often lands like a surprise to her. She’ll say things like, “I didn’t realize it affected you that much.”
But I’m tired of being the one always initiating, reminding, prompting, and holding the emotional structure together. I don’t want to become resentful, but I can feel it starting.
She’s not a bad partner. But I’m starting to wonder if she fully sees me — not just as her boyfriend, but as someone she’s building a life and a household with. I’m trying to approach this with love, not ego — but I’m feeling tapped out.
• Has anyone been through this “always something” dynamic? • Did your partner ever see the pattern and shift? • What helped you stop feeling like the “household manager”? • How did you know when it was time to walk away or keep working at it?
This isn’t about control. It’s about partnership. And honestly, I’m scared this version of us won’t survive marriage or kids. I’m here for real advice from people who’ve actually been through it.