Hi everyone.
Okay. This might be a long one, but I could really use some outside perspectives.
I posted in the retroactive jealousy sub as well, I hope that's okay.
I (29F) had my first encounter with RJ (retroactive jealousy) with my ex a few years ago. I accidentally found old intimate photos and videos of himself and his exes while trying to send myself photos we took with his phone earlier that day. I haven’t been okay since. Started comparing myself to all of them obsessively, started arguments over my insecurities. I really tried to make the relationship work though, started going to therapy, read so many self-help books and doing my best to get past it. In the end I couldn’t save it. I decided to focus on myself, continue therapy and heal before entering a new relationship.
I “met” my current partner (31M) coincidentally about two years ago. I say “met” in quotation marks, because both of us were in the same friend circle in high school and met there, but never really connected or spoke much. Anyway. By this time, I was pretty confident that I have done enough self-work and healing to be able to be in a good and healthy relationship. So, when he shot his shot, I leaned into the idea. We have now been together officially for a little over a year (anniversary was last month). Anyway. He has a son with another woman, which doesn’t bother me in the slightest. In fact, him being a good father is very attractive to me.
But…. Here’s where the issue comes in. He has A BUNCH of tattoos. And when we first started hanging out together, I asked about every single one of them, out of curiosity and wanting to know the story behind them. I eventually pointed to a little sun tattooed on his ring finger and his response was “I don’t know. It’s just something that has always been really special to me.” I didn’t have any reason to mistrust him, so I took his answer. So about three months into our relationship, he suggests getting a couple’s tattoo to symbolize our relationship. I, having a couple of tats myself liked the idea and asked what he had in mind? He suggested a sun and moon tattoo, since “it’s something that has always been very special to him” but allowed me to pick the design. So, I did, we discussed what it would mean for the both of us and got inked. About six months in, he takes me to his ex’s house so he could introduce me to his son. And as soon as I saw this woman, I saw it… A little moon on the same finger he has his sun tattoo. And suddenly it made sense. I got that familiar almost-nauseous feeling in my stomach. The design is a bit different than ours, because I chose our design, but it’s still undoubtably a sun and a moon.
I asked him later that night whether the sun on his finger was a couple’s tattoo. He admitted it was, but said that “he didn’t “think it would matter.”
Ever since I’ve been battling the RJ demon again, hardcore. I struggle to go to places they’ve been to together. I think about it obsessively. Compare just about every detail of myself and our life together. I’d even go as far as to say that the tattoo I have with him is almost meaningless to me now, it’s a reminder that I’m the “version 2.0”, the replica of something that failed the first time.
I’m trying to not make it “his problem” or punish him for his past, trying to deal with it on my own, but it’s eating me alive.
So, I guess what I came to ask is, to people who don’t have RJ, is it genuinely possible that something like this just doesn’t matter like he said and that getting a copy of something you already have with someone else can mean something entirely different and still be meaningful?
Please give some opinions. Even criticism is welcome if needed. Thanks in advance.