My long distance bf wants to get married to me but he doesn't value intimacy. He doesn't need it. He also could easily go many months without sx (is a good thing for him to be able to control himself so well but…)
I don't feel seen and wanted. I begged a lot.
I wonder why is that? Maybe the sxual partners he had before meeting me?
he has a "Bodycount" of 27 at age 33. he said he never loved them, still never cheated, had genuine interests and dated them out of curiousity. Especially in his 20s. Two girls were long-term relationships of 3 years (they broke up cuz both girlfriends had to move countries).
He told me, he never had the thought of marriage before meeting me. I am his first love.
He is a provider, not lustful, respectful & doesnt touch me unless i allow it (he could wait till marriage for s*x).
He is the perfect partner. Also: he is very busy and focused on his career. So we try calling almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's it (Please no comments about "he doesn't love you/ he is cheating" !!).
Now the issue is:
He does want to hold my hands. But he never kisses me. He doesn't show any other form of intimacy. I do want to feel loved and wanted but even when i try being intimate with him, he doesn't care and doesn't need it (sx). just recently i talked a lot about "sx" (in a positive way) and he told me "You talk a lot about sx. People just do it but don't talk about it."
And I was like "you treat me like a friend. You don't even flirt with me, when u try to flirt."
He asked, if this is an issue for me and I said yes and that i don't feel seen.
I also asked him why he does only lazy sx. I feel as if we are a couple of like 40 years who lives together and all he wants, is just to cum (he always makes sure i come first).
He always does the same position, doesn't appreciate my body, doesn't pay attention to it. He doesn't care about lingerie. He is so much desensitized, that he could easily go without needing intimacy.
Just put it inside, come and finish.
I told him, once we got married, i want cuddles and backhugs. He told me "wow is marriage really this complicated?" (Meaning, he doesn't need those).
He doesn't care about any naked bodies of women (which is good), but he also doesn't care about mine – his girlfriend.
He was very active back then, also watched prn a lot. Today he says he doesn't want to watch prn because it's not healthy and messes with the brain.
He controls himself really well.
We are in a long distance of some years but met every month for 2 days.
The only time he did pervert talk with me for just two nights was at the beginning of our relationship, and i remember our first two time sx he would also try a variety of positions (sx would be like at least 30 minutes).
But since then, never again pervert talk, flirts.
He also told me, he prefers short sessions, of max 15 minutes. It's ok, i don't have a problem with that…
I don't know how can I get him to be intimate with me. He should see it as something new and special.
Of course i blamed myself for not being good enough (due to his experience with other women). I asked him if that's the reason he doesn't like to kiss me, doesn't need intimacy, he denied it..
I think once i am married , not only will the bedroom be dead, but intimacy in general.
I don't feel like a woman. I just exist for the reason of making a family with him.
I blame his past experience with other women. I wouldn't know what other reason could there be for a man to be this way. he has a hot girl but doesn't make her feel seen and wanted at all 🥲
What can I do, to make him want me? Do men really not need kisses, hugs, like intimacy at all? All they need is just to come without putting much efforts into it (of course taking care of the girls orgasm first)?
Should i try the method of being more absent (he is a dismissive avoidant btw), so he misses me more? i worry about our future together. I can be without sx, i won't leave for that reason. But I want to feel wanted… And sx would had been a way, but well, he says "s*x is a normal act, and not a form of showing love. it's not important. I do it and i forget about it afterwards."
I don't feel seen and wanted.