My husband told his best friend that he might go back to his ex

48 comments

1. I think you should take some time away for yourself, this is a lot for you manage alone. Go to your sisters, Liz will be alright x

2. Aww so sad and not your fault, but sounds like you’ll always be second best. I guess it depends if you’re prepared to settle for that…

3. He knows that he doesn’t love you but you’re the best ‘mom’ for his daughter. He is afraid that if his ex comes back he would kick you to the curb for her. You need to exit this relationship! You deserve someone who loves you and wants you not keep you around to be caretaker of their child!

4. I would tell him what you over heard! Sorry but it sounds like he is just using you to take care of his child. It might hurt, but you need to leave him and find someone who thinks you are number one.

5. Ask yourself if you truly love him. If you do, hang in there. Tell him what you overheard and ask him if he can make it good. Perhaps marriage counseling would help. You truly love his daughter. Let him know. If you don’t truly love him all bets are off. Get gone. Find a partner that gives you the love you deserve. You are a good woman and there is someone out there who will love you truly.

6. I think you should talk to him tell him what you heard and how much it hurt you, nobody wants to be expendable and tell him you are not prepared to hang around and wait for his ex to come back and claim him, you deserve way more than that. It’s tough but everything needs to be out in the open and depending on how you feel about his answers will dictate what you do moving forward. Good luck op but please don’t settle for 2nd

7. I’m really sorry but in a moment of blatant honesty he said he thinks you’re what’s best for his daughter, (not for him) and he would probably go back to his ex if he could. Living this way seems to be enough for him because she hasn’t come back. But is that kind of love enough for you?

8. It’s crazy that you’re doing so much for him and Liz and stepping up because her actual mom didn’t want to be a part of Liz’s life but Rick would still choose her over you? Don’t lose yourself for a man that doesn’t value you. It’s on him for putting you in that situation and Liz too, if he knew that was the case, he shouldn’t have introduced you to Liz and make things worse.

9. He would choose her if she came back around but would she choose him?
   Take a few days with your sister. And knowing what you do, make it your decision to stay or go, don’t let it be anyone else’s.

10. Its not Lizs fault. But you definitely need to leave. You can’t go on like this surely? Won’t it ruin your self esteem? 
    You should talk to your husband abd tell him its over. You should continue to co parent and be a mother to Luz because kids are separate. Kids should never just be left behind. But there is a way you can still be there for her, shared care etc. Or even weekends and leave. 

11. So basically you are the best caregiver to his daughter and you lighten his load . But he doesn’t love you and would drop you in a heartbeat if Tara came back in the picture.

    You might love her and feel some responsibility for her but you are just a stand in for the real mom . Spoken from his own mouth when he could be honest to his friend . Take some time away with your sister and think about your options.

    Do you feel safe and secure in this marriage? Would you consider bringing other children into it?

    Might be time to get your ducks in a row and cut your losses. I couldn’t live knowing my place in his life isn’t secure.

12. Take your sister up on her offer. Reflect on the fact that you are in a loveless marriage to someone who simply wants you as a babysitter he gets to fuck.

13. Rick is a dick

14. Not only are you 2nd best but his daughter!! He would take that trash woman back – all she has to do is crook her finger and call him over? He would go back to the woman that threw their child away. This can’t be who you envision to be a father to the children you may have with him. I feel bad for the little girl- but you sound young . I am assuming you may want children with him. I could not in good conscience be 2nd place and bring children into this relationship. I hate to say this you are a bang child care maid. Please take some time and get into therapy – you are worth so much more than this. Good luck.

15. You need to leave. Today.

16. Ok, let’s first start by breathing. You have yourself worked up over something that may never happen. Have you seen the movie the wedding planner? I ask because there is a scene where JLo is about to get married and her father talks about his arranged marriage and how they didn’t even talk at first but in time they fell deep in love and it was beautiful. While your marriage wasnt arranged the point was that people showing care to each other over time can have deep love. He already sees how you are with his child and that is a seed that love can bloom from. Your good qualities were noticed it’s why he married you and over time it can grow into something deeper than he ever had with her.

    No one forgets their first love. It was the first time they felt that feeling and the first always holds a place. However, it’s a juvenile love. Once someone falls in love again and the feelings are greater, the love they feel evolves. The first love will always be there but it will fade compared to what the new new is, although it will never go away.

    It’s like when a person does a drug for the first time. Many recount where their addictions started and it boils down to they were always chasing that first high, but they could never get it again. It’s because it was a first. They get help and stop doing drugs but that first time is the one they remember.

    I know everyone is saying to leave him. I’m not going to say that. He didn’t threaten to leave, she hasn’t been coming around trying to get him to leave. It was just 2 guys talking. Yes, you deserve to be chosen and you were. Yes you deserve love, and he is showing you. He’s trying to let that love really blossom. If he didn’t say I love you, especially if you said it first, then I would say differently because I know how that feels, but that’s not the case.

    Take a few days away, to yourself. Sometimes a few days away makes him realize how much he misses you and it helps the seed start to bloom. It seems like he’s trying, he’s just not all the way there yet. Deep love takes time. He knew something was there that’s why he married you. And I don’t think it’s just because you are someone to take care of his child but sometimes when a man sees how’s selfless someone is when caring for their child, it also strengthens the bonds of love and helps deepen that love.

    I know how heartbreak feels and I hurt for you, but please don’t take it to heart. When you get back from your mini break, talk to him about what you over heard (make sure he knows it was by accident and not because you were spying, and tell him how it made you feel. It will open a conversation that is sounds like you need to have and then you can get his take on things. But I wouldn’t make any decisions before that.

    Good luck and please update us on how things are going.

17. Honesty is always the best path forward. If you can’t have an honest conversation, even about difficult topics, that’s a major red flag. I’d recommend working with a therapist to learn how to communicate openly about tough issues, and then bring him into those discussions. I made the mistake of hiding how I truly felt in my last relationship, and it only prolonged a marriage that was already struggling. That’s one of my biggest regrets.

18. Wow. Super freaking hurtful, and I am saying this to YOU because I like YOU. That dumb mfer you married deserves a swift kick to the nads, and I’d love to do that for you.

    But…Love can be different with different people. And I say this because I’ve experienced it both ways. Sometimes the most *exciting* love is inherently flawed because it’s unpredictable. You don’t know whether the person is going to cheat on you. Whether they’re going to be there tomorrow. Whether they’re going to hit you or bite you. Whether they really love you. And that’s a sick love. I had that, he broke up with me, and I almost didnt recover. It sounds like what he had with Tara.

    When I started dating again, i dated someone who was entirely different. It wasn’t as “exciting,” but it was pretty great.

    I was afraid I would never feel entirely free of that first love jack@ss, but when he showed up a couple years later and tried to get back with me, I finally saw his flaws. I finally saw him for who he was, and it wasn’t at all what I wanted. And I knew I deserved better.

    I *hope* your dumb@ss husband is very ineloquently saying what I am saying. That he *worries* he he’s still vulnerable to those feelings.

    Go take a weekend or a week, or a month. Go work on becoming who you want to be. And if he can’t love you like you want to be loved, bounce right out of there. You deserve more and you are entitled to require more from him.

19. This is going to need to be a conversation. You need to let him know you overheard his conversation and tell him how it made you feel, how you are now no longer confident in the future of your marriage, that you will not be expendable, and you do not deserve it. I would then ask for a separation and take some time away to really focus on yourself. No one deserves to be in a marriage where the other partner is still hung up on the ex

20. I hate this situation. It’s unfair to you and the little girl. Have a sit down conversation with your husband. Tell him what you overheard and how you feel. Please take time away for yourself and go to individual counseling. I personally, would leave this relationship behind.

21. Op I’m so sorry that you had to hear him talk about you this way and really hope that you will be able to talk to him about it even if it’s just to say goodbye!🙏🏻🫂🫶

22. Be honest with Rick. “I heard you telling Dave that you don’t love me as much as Tara and that if she came back you’d leave me for her. I deserve better than to be the bang-nanny for Liz. When you tell me that you love me, what I hear is, ‘I love how you are the step-mother to my child.’ I don’t see how I can get past this.”

    Get some counseling for yourself and talk to a lawyer

    But what you’re NOT going to do is let this guy lie to keep you holding down his home front.

23. this post sucks. not because OP is terrible or the like, but just the severity of such a seemingly benign, fleeting moment in time (baby shower, casual conversation between friends).

    OP, my heart aches for you. no one ought to hear such things, ever. no one ought to ever put you in a situation where such is the case. please take some time away from home & get your dignity & resolve powered up. i wouldn’t personally even tell “rick” what you overheard; just see an attorney & have the divorce worked out on your end before just dropping it on his ass.

    i’ve never once suggested someone leave their spouse, although i see comments similar to mine tossed around almost casually from others…but there’s not really a “salvaging this” option here, unfortunately. i hate you had to overhear that, OP, but you’re so much better off with the knowledge than without, ultimately.

24. You need to tell him what you heard, and ffs don’t let him lie/gaslight you into thinking he didn’t say that. You deserve so much better than this because, out there, is someone for whom you will be their everything. Don’t settle for less. Updateme!

25. For me personally,(so I don’t know if this is good advice for you) I would go to my sisters after I told him the truth about over hearing him. I would assume he would lie though and say something similar to “oh that was just me trying to sound cool to my friend” or some other stupid lie. I would have to tell him after I got to my sisters house though possibly. I’m prone to believing narcissistic lies and gas lighting and I’m afraid I’d believe him when he told me I misheard him. Ugh 😩 it’s not fair to have spent over a decade married to a violent narcissist. I hope you don’t endure the same thing.

26. Sounds like Tara cheated. Is this who Rick wants back? A woman who cheated and left him, and who pretty much abandoned her own daughter! Idk that I could be with someone who could look past all that and still want to be with that person.

    He doesn’t love you like he loved her because he hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t let go of her. But he really doesn’t deserve you and is using you to fill in the gap of mother for his daughter. He’s a complete asshole!

27. That’s nasty that he’s only with you because you’re a good stepmom to his child and will drop you if or when his ex wants him back. He’s not over his ex and he needed to find a replacement mom for his child so could’ve been any woman in this situation.

28. Dump his ass

29. Updateme

30. Updateme!

31. 1. I would go to your sisters and have some distance and alone time for a few days. Do what you need to do then..

    2. Go back home and have a chat with your husband. Explain how you heard the conversation he had and how it hurt your heart.

    Everyone is quick to tell you to divorce. I wouldn’t jump on that so fast. He’s letting his first love- which is always intense and not always remembered properly, get in his way and he totally has his blinders on. There’s a reason they divorced and she has no contact with her own child.

    I’m sure he loves you. But he shouldn’t be comparing your love to his first wife’s love. It’s not the same and won’t ever be the same because you’re two different people.

    First love can never be replicated – even with the original relationship. If he got back together with her, he would remember why they divorced and how different they are now. Also, why would he want her back when she has zero interest or care for her own daughter? Another thing, his comments were hypothetical because who’s to say she would get back with him, or even move back so he could have that chance?

    I think he would benefit from counseling on his own for his feelings in regard to his first wife. He needs to find closure and move on. I also think you both would benefit from marriage counseling together. I bet you two could have a good marriage, he just needs to let go of some fantasy of how love should be because of his first experience. If by crazy chance they got back together- I guarantee it wouldn’t be what he thinks it will be from their past. I bet he’d miss what he has with you.

    Good luck! Find peace, understanding, have some grace, do what you feel is best for you and your family- but also remember it’s not just you you have to worry about, but the little girls in your home too. But I truly hope you and your husband can work it out and if not, then I pray for an amicable split.

    UpdateMe!

32. Updateme

33. You have to tell him you know he settled for you and hopefully you can respect yourself and leave him.

34. My guess is Rick had a rather onesided divorce which shattered his idea of love. He is trying to move forward but the pain Is there. He most likely never fully got closure on his previous relationship. ( which was a HS sweetheart, no detail on when that relationship ended, so at the latest 3.5 years ago same as when you started dating.

    No i do noy think a 3.5 year love would compare to his HS sweetheart turned firat marriage love.

    You overheard a conversation with multiple hypothetical questions from a friend who was there with Rick through it. Even mentioned how bad it was on Rick.

    Maybe talk to your husband Rick mention you overheard the conversation and figure out your next steps together. Counseling would be a wonderful step to take individually because both your previous relationships are effecting your current. His forlorn first love and your insecurities from being cheated on. Both need to be addressed for your current marriage to last

35. I would tell him what you overheard & that it shattered you.

    That you don’t know what to do from here but right now you don’t want him to try & explain himself right now either because it won’t help anything.

    The only thing you want the answer to right now is if he can even see himself being fully committed to you as a wife & mother to his daughter.

    If he can then he needs to go take the time to work through the damage his ex caused, accept it & see things clearly before you can even think about a future with him again but even then you can’t promise anything.

    This isn’t about you. He even acknowledges that & seems sad about it because he knows you are a better partner/mother than his ex.

    He hasn’t dwelt with the damage his high school girlfriend & mother of his child done to him so is protecting himself from loving someone that much again.

    Instead of accepting that it wasn’t his or his daughters fault that she betrayed the love he had for her & abandoned them the way she did he put up walls because he doesn’t trust himself to feel that way about someone again out of fear.

    If my guess is right that’s why he’s struggling with never feeling like that again & why what he felt with his ex has a hold on him.

    As hard as it is to do remember that isn’t about you so when them negative thoughts turn on yourself keep repeating that in your mind.

    This is something only he can work through. There is a small silver lining in you overhearing everything & getting this major issue out in the open.

    If you decide to give the relationship a chance & he works through the mess of everything that happened, the emotional impact it had on & is able to heal from it then the relationship will be as strong or even stronger than what you thought before.

    If you can’t get over it do what’s best for yourself without guilt whatever that may be.

36. Oh I would be planning my exit immediately. How and why would you stay with someone who admitted what he said?? Remember this was an overheard conversation between your husband and his best friend, he meant everything he said. I personally would not care to go back and forth and be gaslit, which I’m betting to predict he would to you. What a mess. I would stay quiet until I had all my ducks in a row . What a POS

37. this is so distressing. I would ask you to go to your sister and have a clear headed conversation. and he should be confronted earlier rather than later. dont let it slide.

    look after yourself

38. Leave him because there is nothing to salvage in that relationship. Go to therapy. Travel. Try new hobbies, activities, and foods. Become happy with yourself, and the person who is meant to put you as number one will come into your life.

39. Yes, go to your sister’s. Either tell him you overheard his and his friend’s discussion or just tell him you need some time for yourself and tell him when you are feeling a bit stronger.

40. Guys say really dumb things all the time . I personally wouldn’t take it to heart even though that was probably aweful to hear . Why don’t you bring it up to him ?

41. This made my blood run cold to think someone has the audacity to so easily use another person. Just use someone like a tool.

    OP please put yourself first

42. Omg- I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It made me sick to read that.

    I would go to your sisters without telling him so you can have time to think without him trying to love bomb you while you are there.

    Then I would meet with him and tell him what you over heard and how it makes you feel.

    How do you ever get that out of your head?

    You deserve to be loved 100% and there is someone out there who will love you in the way that you need and deserve.

43. Updateme

44. Take your daughter and go stay with your sister. Tell her it’s a girl’s trip so she isn’t worried.

    Tell your husband EXACTLY what’s up. Let him sweat it out. And if he doesn’t sweat it out, you have your answer.

    If it was me, I wouldn’t even go to these lengths. He’s already said what he would do if she came back. At this point, you’re nothing more than a placeholder. You’re keeping him warm and satisfied until or in case Tara is free. You deserve so much more than that.

    Know your worth. He clearly doesn’t. Your a good stepmother. Hey, thanks, that’s great, but what about being the best possible wife he could ever hope for? No? Kthanksbye.

    KNOW YOUR WORTH.

    Let me ask you this. If your daughter was ever in this situation with her husband, and he said she was the best stepmother, but if his ex came back he would go back to her, what would you tell her to do?

    KNOW YOUR WORTH.

    ETA – since Liz is your step, you may not be able to take her if he knows the score.

    You could also pose my question to him, too. What would he say or do if any man ever did that to his daughter?

45. I am sorry

46. Update! Make yourself priority before your husband and his child

47. It’s not that you’re expendable, it’s more that he has no will power against her.

48. Updateme