At this point in my life I decided who I am lays within my own morals and values. I decided who I am and what kind of man I want to be. One thing thing I firmly believe is right is right wrong is wrong and I won’t back down or sugar coat when I see something that just ain’t right.
I have three best friends. Call them A B and c.
A has resigned to living with his mom and 3 kids and doesn’t work.
B still acts with the high school wannabe street mentality
C has an alcohol problem and is banging his child’s mother sister
Now that I think about it they all live at home. I’m the only one with their own place.
I’ve thought long and hard and I just can’t keep any of that shit around me. The bonds we forged as kids holds value but god damn I know I’m the only one of the group who seriously wants to be on the right path. I no longer condone any of it and I am judging. Anyone else been through something similar ?
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Same. Got a guy in our friend group who’s still living at home since college (10 years now?) with no aspirations to move out. Just spends his money on random crap.
Our group has been planning another buddy’s birthday trip for months and he just flaked bc he can’t afford it? My guy… We’ve been planning this for months and you couldn’t save $200-300? Meanwhile I see him going to the bar every weekend to watch football.
The commonalities we shared in our 20s were great. But I got shit to do. I decided to silently cut him out of my life as his mentality is draining to be around
I know how you feel, I had a friend reach out when we were in our mid-20s (early Facebook) after an absence of a few years. We caught up and life was good with both of us – he later confided that he had relations with an office junior while living with his long term girlfriend. I admonished him for his actions and his reaction was that I didn’t understand, he wasn’t getting any at home, poor him etc… I cut him off that day and haven’t spoken to him since. As a kid you are told that you are judged by the company you keep, you never fully understand but it is true.
Not me but my wife did. Her friend went ultra political and was just mean and angry all the time. She was also 100% hypocritical when it came to politics and my wife couldn’t stand it anymore. This woman actually showed up at our house unannounced more than once to “talk” about it, covered the doorbell cam when knocking and everything. To this day she still doesn’t get it.
Yeah, sometimes outgrowing people is just part of getting serious about your own life. You can care about them and still set boundaries. It’s not judgmental to protect your peace and live by your values. It just means you’re finally walking your own path.
It happens. Just cut em off.
You move on in life and some do not. I am in contact with two people I grew up with and that is infrequent. I moved from where I was at 18 and never went back.
The times I came back to visit my parents if I went to the local bar the same friends from HS were there almost every time. Still living with their parents working crappy jobs.
Done it twice. Once as a 19 year old. Once a few years back. One was because he was a 2 faced gobshite. Other was because he is just obsessed with politics and totally dogmatic about it.
It happens.
If you can’t respect someone, then it’s hard to hold onto a friendship with that person. It’s very common to outgrow friends; inertia in life can work both ways.
One of my good friends of my late teens into my early twenties was the smartest person I’ve known, but completely devoid of ambition and lacking in life skills. He was about 12 years older than I was, and ran the absolute best D&D campaigns. I treasured the time with him so much that for a long time I overlooked the fact that he kept his family in utter squalor (I used to pack and extra set of clothes in my car that I could change into after visiting so I didn’t smell like his house the rest of the day); he could barely hold down menial jobs; he’d spend money on weed rather than on healthy food for his young daughter; etc. I loved the guy, but I just lost all respect for him as a person because, despite his faculties and capability, he never chose to get his shit together.
My dad always told me to consider myself extremely lucky if I had one good friend my whole life. He was right about that in his life, and it seems right to me at present.
As you get older you kind of Marie Kondo your life this will happen, and it won’t always be as drastic as what you laid out here. Doesn’t sound like these folks fit your values so no shame in ending those friendships. Sometimes it will just be things like you realize you’re always the one putting in the effort and you would be better off spending them time on someone or something else, or you realize you haven’t talked in awhile and you’re kind of ok with that. Life is like a tree, and not everyone is gonna wind up on the same branch and that’s ok.
You don’t need to cut off friends over the choices they made if they haven’t wronged you. But you don’t need to make much effort either. As your goals and priorities shift it’s only natural to find new people who share those interests. Focus more on that. A gym or sports buddy etc.
You aren’t going to be able to talk HOA politics with any of these people, for instance.
Yes, had a friend whose nickname was dark eye (rhyming slang for his name) who would get extremely aggressive when he got drunk, often to friends but also random strangers. Would also do crazy stuff like turn tables of drinks over or steal someone’s car. He would be apologetic or deny remembering incidents the next day. I just got to the point where I didn’t want anything more to do with him.
When we moved to our new jobs after college, I was the one that always called to catch up. He kept drinking and partying like when we were in college and I was focusing on my career. I wanted to see how long till he calls me. 4 and a half years it took. My wife’s my best friend and she was there before him. I’m happier without him in my life.
Yeah that’s the way it goes. Most people change as they get older too, and it’s silly to think everyone will change to keep the same morals or ethics over things. It happens, but just remember the good times you had with them and focus on other things positive in your life.
Honestly I never just cut someone off completely but I’ve pulled back in some cases where people are not just not functional adults but aren’t even trying to be.
Yeah. We were buds since 10 years old. I dunno what happened, was it me or did he just turn into a prick. Had to boot him around 30 because I couldn’t take his shit talk and twisting of words anymore. Like, I thought we were friends but apparently I was just a fool and a toy to him in the end.
Both my wife and I have cut off friends for various reasons. It just sorta happens. Sure, I’ll always remember the awesome times that I had with those who I’ve cut off, but keeping them in my life would only serve to hurt me. I still wish them all the best in life.
Except for my wife’s “baby sister”. She can go straight to hell. We’re both glad to have her gone
Nah, you dont cut them off you just dont enable them anymore, I have friends from uni who are massively cokeheads and they know if they are sober they are more than welcome to pop round for a Rum and a Joint whenever (wife likes then) but if they’ve been using i can and will physically eject from my property and I always know.
These people truly know you, and we need people like that in our lives to call us on our bullshit as we call them out on theirs
When I was 24, I was stuck at a dead end job, a useless degree, and had a serious drinking problem. My friends weren’t the problem, but hanging out with them made it easy to fall into the same routine.
After going through a pretty traumatic break up, I ended up moving back home, cutting off my entire friend group, and going back to school. 8 years later, I’m essentially sober (i drink socially, which ends up being a handful of drinks every other month or so), have a great career, and live with my fiance. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I ended up reconnecting with some of those friends a couple years ago, and the real ones completely understood.
Did at 18. Tried again at 25 and by that time their childishness had grown to become junkies. I love them from a distance
Yep. When I was 23, I moved 5 hours away from everyone I ever knew to a place where I knew nobody. Glad I did. Most of the guys from my old life either died or bailed like I did.
The one guy who survived it all just hit me up recently on FB for cash until he gets his cheque at the end of the month. Hasn’t changed one iota in 40 years. When I didn’t reply right away (my wife and I were discussing finances at the time) he freaked out and got angry. I hadn’t seen the guy in 5 years. I saw him once in 35 years. He asks for cash to buy booze. Pathetic. Dude is 58.
I had a friend (but not best friend) who constantly interrupted all people, to put in his opinion. I stopped cold turkey one day by hanging up the phone on him after telling him for a year to stop interrupting ALL the time. And then i ignored his phone calls and texts.
Yep . More than one.
If your morals / values no longer alines, it’s time to go.
Yes. My best friend who I’ve known for about 24 years turned Borderline White Supremacist. Became extremely negative the last few times I was around him and spent most of his free time consuming Political Propaganda.
Needless to say, I’ve blocked him.
I removed most people from my life and i stopped making friends as well as dating, its stress free and more peaceful
I am very intolerant when it comes to dealing with crap, get rid of family and BFFs if they behave improperly
I have depression but i realized later that it was mostly coming from people, so when i decided to basically live in solitude my depression is way better now
I do meet people and have fun, and people enjoy my company, but i keep people at a distance generally and do not consider any of them my friend
Follow your moral compass and soul’s mission. If they are meant to support you on your path forward they will resurface.
I let go of my best friend of 30+ years bc I was becoming the desperate gf who’s boyfriend is clearly over her, but he prefers avoiding conflict than talking through things to get on the same page.
We haven’t talked in 2 months – I had to tell her how I felt bc voicing the truth is a principle I live by. She said she wanted to respond to me when she could give it some time – haven’t heard from her in over 2 months. We walk our dogs in Baltimore city and live 10 minutes away in the same neighborhood.
I can’t wait for the day I feel nothing about this, bc it still makes me upset when I focus on it – but the only person this hurts is ME.
She’s going through her journey and the same things I’d get frustrated by with her also exist in me – people do not like when their friends find themselves, bc it means THEY have to do that same work.
If your friends make fun of you for wanting to feel fulfilled, it has nothing to do with you. You are now a reminder of what’s possible, and their belief system doesn’t like seeing the contradiction
Accept and love them for who they are and make peace with the past – release all expectations – you’ll rise a lot faster without their energy weighing you down….
You’ll find your people #highvibes!
Yep only had to do it once though. Happened a few years ago. I’d always make the “joke” whenever me and another buddy would talk and I would always say that I was his friend but he wasn’t mine. Friendship requires effort on both parties not just one just like any relationship really. Was just tired of it. He didn’t contribute toward the friendship at all so I had to cut him off. It be like that sometimes.
Yeah man, shit happens. People change and it’s ok.
Have a friend since kindergarten that’s become a complete POS, these past 4 years he’s grown very arrogant and “high on his own supply”. Really his been riding the coattails of his family business. In the past I’ve introduced him to my other friend groups and he’s made a fool of himself and me by association. Thankfully I don’t see him much since he mostly lives in another country, but I keep my distance.
I once thought I’d pick him as a groomsman or godfather of my future kids. I laugh at the thought.
After like 3 years I met him randomly and keep in contact for a couple of months, nothing really changed (obviously) and we ended up separate after again.
I don’t think it’s the only way to deal with it tho. Even so I didn’t ever regret my decision I think in many cases you don’t have to abrupt your relationships completely. You can just distant yourself, maybe you would like to see them like once 3 years or something like that, who knows.
In my case I didn’t want to put any time into relationships that are just for fun time together, so that’s why I just cut it.
I have 1 friend IRL right now and some online, all people I respect and trust.
I got divorced last year at the age of 46 and a friend I’d known since college basically took my ex-wife’s side and one I’d known since high school, another from college, and one I’d been friends with for 20 years all basically said they didn’t have time to give a shit about what I was going through. So I don’t talk to them anymore
It’s really sad and I’m not sure I’ll ever bother making friends again but it is what it is
Yes. Im to old to be brought down by someone who is spiraling and refuses to listen or get help.
Yeah, but it was for not growing up.
A girl I dated only wanted to smoke pot and work her minimum wage job so she had just enough money to get by.
I have a career and she expected me to pay for everything. Wasn’t going to tolerate that long term.
There are complexities to my situation that don’t apply the same way as yours, but for similar reasons (friends that either didn’t grow up, or just decided to and are so far behind the curve it’s hard to relate) and I’m in this process of somewhat phasing them out.
One or two of them have grown up and we’re in touch, but with the rest of them I have no bad feelings towards outside of frustration with their immaturity, but it’s just becoming way too hard to find common ground outside of shared history and hanging out feels like more of a chore than a treat. I wouldn’t turn them away ever, but I’m definitely not propping up the friendship because one day they might come around.
I’ve had issues isolating ever since I left the army, so I did push alot of friends away, but not for that reason, although alot of them are trouble so it wasn’t a bad move. My wife however has done this to alot of her childhood friends over the last 5 years or so. Some were still running around doing drugs and chasing guys, some were just too much drama, and some were immature and brought her down. My wife decided she’s sick of people making their problems hers, and only bringing stress and bullshit into her life.
Id recommend not cutting your friends off firmly, and officially ending the friendships. Engage with them less, and keep them at a distance like you would an acquaintance. Maybe they’ll get it together down the road. You can stop actively hanging out, and disentangle your lives without completely ending a historic friendship. Even if theyre acting shitty and its in your best interest to not actively associate with them, there’s value to an old friendship, and you may want to rekindle it if they start acting like better people down the road
Yup two of my best friends I have known for 20 years. Both burnt out junkie felons. One in prison. One became a deadbeat dad. I tried so hard to stay their friends but when I caught the one in prison spinning bowls in my little leagues parking lot, I knew that shit was burnt. And I don’t fuck with deadbeats.
I’m not much better. I’m a former felon and addict myself. But I actively work on my addiction (sober 2 years), have full custody of my daughter, volunteer in my community (softball), coach after school esports. Got my felony expunged. Have job experience in corporate marketing (director level). And am working with a third best friend who started his own successful pest control company.
Life’s fucking crazy man 🤣🤣
Yup. Twice. In my hometown I was living with my best friend. He was being a complete ass behind my back and I realized that he was a bad influence on me. Made me want to party and drink all the time. Not really his fault but the shit talking and backstabbing was all him. I took that as an opportunity to move away for a bit and just cut him right out.
Moved in with my college roommate in a different city. We had a good time for a while. But he was also a bad influence and a bully.
So I just cut all of them off. I seemed to only want to be friends with assholes or that’s all I could find. Didn’t have any close friends for a while and still aren’t very close to many people. Just my wife and a small group of guys I game with. I get along with people but I don’t connect with most people.
Yes, got sick of their bullshit.
You’re the average of the people you surround yourself with, choose wisely.
Kind of going through this myself.
I grew up in a small town most of my teens and early 20s.
My main group just kind of stayed in their niches and became less open to things I wanted to try. Although I still party now and then and am not claiming puritan, but I just don’t have the same energy to go on coke and beer binges until 3AM every weekend like they still do often. They also never want to go to clubs/venues I’m more interested in now.
My other two best friends from the same town are both still staying with their parents. One is an alcoholic who is constantly cynical and fatalistic about everything and does not take serious effort to make changes, he literally told me he has “accepted” the idea of staying with his mom. My other friend is also still at his mom’s, but he is not as discouraged, just unmotivated. He never wants to go out and try or explore new spots and considers anything that’s not drinking at home with friends a “waste of time” and how it’s “consumerism brainwash” tricking me to spend money. No dude, it’s just exciting and *healthy* to not stay in the same spot every off day.
I did. Did not really ditched the people but just stopped hanging out with them so frequently. I still like them as people and we have a history together and still are friends but we hang out maybe once every 3 – 6 months and it is okay. Everyone has their own lives now. Nothing to worry about I am just saying do not cut people entirely.