Hi everyone, I just need to vent and maybe get some perspective.
My husband (32M) and I (30) have been together since we were 18 & 20, married at 21 & 23, and had our first baby at 23 & 25. Our youngest is only six months old and still breastfeeding. I just moved out last Friday with the kids and am staying at my mom’s house. He hasn’t been served divorce papers yet, so I don’t think he realizes that’s where this is headed.
I left because I couldn’t keep living in what had become a toxic, unsafe environment. There’s been years of emotional and financial abuse, and he’s struggling with alcoholism and drug addiction. I finally reached the point where I needed to protect myself and the kids, and moving out was the only way.
He came by last night to take the older kids out and then again this morning to drop off some things from the house. When he was here, he asked for a hug and started talking about how this whole situation is “good for him,” because he “never got to grow up into a grownup” since we got married young and had a baby “early”.
That absolutely infuriated me. Having kids when I did was something I wanted. It wasn’t a mistake or something that “stunted” anyone’s growth. The problem is that he never chose to step up and grow with me. I’ve spent years raising our kids, managing the home, and keeping everything together while he prioritized himself and his addictions. And now he’s framing this painful separation as a personal growth opportunity for him. Meanwhile, I’m in full-time mom mode 24/7 with no support, no rest, and no space.
After he left, I realized I can’t keep having him come by. I texted him and said I don’t feel comfortable having him inside my mom’s house anymore, and that we can do visits with the kids somewhere neutral like the library or a restaurant. I also told him I don’t want to do Halloween together this year because I can’t pretend everything’s okay.
Now I’m feeling a little guilty, especially because his brother and sister-in-law wanted to come trick-or-treating too, but honestly, I just can’t fake it. I’m angry, exhausted, and trying to keep things peaceful for myself and the kids. I don’t want to perform a “family” act for appearances when the truth is I left because of abuse and addiction, and I’m trying to rebuild a safe, stable life.
I guess I just need reassurance that I’m not a bad person for doing this, for finally creating space, protecting my peace, and refusing to pretend anymore.