I’m not married but I’d really appreciate hearing from happily married people about how they healed from betrayal. And honestly, anyone is welcome. I just need some comfort and somewhere to talk about it.
After a few heartbreaks, toxic relationships and other unpleasant dating experiences over the past few years, I (27F) met an extremely sweet, caring and attentive man (30M) a little over a month ago. From the moment we met, we got along perfectly, not a single hour went by without us talking, texting, and we saw each other pretty much every day, I was staying over at his place multiple times a week, when we couldn’t see each other, and I was feeling down or sick, he would send me flowers, food, etc.
I’ve been betrayed before so I’ve become very good at recognizing red flags. All my previous situations, I saw red flags early on. But this time, there were none. I noticed a couple of things that seemed a little off but they seemed insignificant. Everything was perfect – no loud words, no love bombing, no rushing, no hot and cold games. There was constant and consistent communication, reciprocity, respect and care for each other in every word and action. Everything seemed so safe, safer than I’ve even been, which allowed me to open up and show up as the best version of myself. It felt healing.
On Thursday, he went to meet his female friend. I tend to get anxious in situations like this due to past experiences. However, we were texting throughout their meeting, and he insisted that he sees me right after, which made me feel comfortable enough in the moment. But the next day, I couldn’t help but feel like something was off. I tried to brush off this feeling because I didn’t want to project my past insecurities onto our seemingly perfect relationship.
We weren’t following each other on Instagram, but I knew what his account is (it’s private) and could look him up. I looked him up before we went on out first date and never felt the need to do that after. However, on Friday I felt the urge to check his page, and realized that I was blocked. I didn’t react, I was planning to bring this up when we meet in person. But the uneasy feeling kept growing.
At night, he was out at a concert with his friend, texting me constantly. Past midnight, I felt the urge to check my blocked list on Instagram. There was one account that I didn’t recognize. I clicked on it – there’s a photo of a couple – him and another woman. Her account is private too. I realized that he went into my phone to block her so I couldn’t find her page or she couldn’t find mine.
I didn’t say anything, just sent him a screenshot of her page- no response. I followed her, she accepted my request very quickly and I saw the photos – they are engaged.
I messaged her and told her about our relationship. He recently moved to my city, she’s currently in another state where they used to live together, and she was supposed to move in with him in a month.
Her and I ended up having a phone call where I told her everything, she also had a private conversation with him, and then she had all three of us get on the phone to confirm what happened. Her and I were kind and supportive to each other. I made it clear to both of them on the phone that I don’t want to hear a single word from him, and I don’t have a single word to tell him.
She told me he’s flying out to see her today. She doesn’t know yet if she will stay with him, but it doesn’t really matter, I don’t want anything to do with a man like this.
However, I am so deeply hurt, and I’m grieving what we were and what we could’ve been. I’m replaying the moments that we shared in my head, knowing it was all a lie makes me feel physically sick.
I’m objectively a very attractive woman, I’ve never had a shortage of men interested in me, so I know this is not the last man on earth for me. I’ve also experienced betrayal and very painful breakups after long term relationship, so I know I have the strength to bounce back.
However, this betrayal, even though the relationship was very short, brought me a different type of pain – this is the first time when I didn’t expect betrayal at all. Especially such a serious and calculated betrayal. And it cuts deeper than I ever imagined.
A few years ago I heard the words “don’t let this person ruin love for you” – and I’ve been carrying those words with me ever since, heartbreak after heartbreak. But this situation may have done the damage that I don’t know how to navigate. I don’t know if I will be able to trust anyone again, and it terrifies me because I’m a lover girl through and through. But not trusting anyone ever again terrifies me as much as it terrifies me to trust someone again.
I’m feeling so empty, lonely and heartbroken. Every comment is more than welcome, but I would especially would love to hear from the people who have been deeply betrayed and are now happily married. How did you not let that person ruin love for you?