At the beginning of this year, I met a guy on a gay hookup app. We started chatting and eventually met up. Normally I don’t get emotionally attached, but he was the one who initiated deeper conversations. After our first hookup, instead of just letting me leave, he wanted to talk and spend more time together. One thing led to another — we started chatting daily and seeing each other regularly.
Before long, I began staying over at his place. We’d cuddle, fall asleep together, and he’d often fall asleep on my chest. It felt intimate and genuine, like we had something emotionally real. The complication was that he has a boyfriend — they’re in an open relationship, though not sexually active with each other anymore.
He often talked negatively about his boyfriend and mentioned wanting to leave, which made me believe there was potential for something more serious between us. He opened up about a lot of deep things — personal struggles, insecurities, even saying he’d never opened up this much to his boyfriend. That made me feel like our bond was special and meaningful.
Over time, I developed strong feelings. But it became clear he wasn’t ready (or willing) to give me the same kind of commitment. Even though we kept talking every day and had emotional closeness, he continued having sex with other people and stayed active on hookup apps.
The imbalance got too painful, so I ended things yesterday. He told me he “can’t give me more right now,” thanked me for everything I’d taught him, and said he’d never forget my kindness. He asked to stay friends, but I told him that would be too hard for me emotionally. I did say that if his situation ever changes and he’s ready for something committed, he can reach out.
I still genuinely care about him — he has so many great qualities — but he’s emotionally immature and afraid of commitment or of leaving his current relationship.
That said, I also find myself wondering: if we actually got into a real relationship, would I still like him as much? Would it even be fulfilling? Or was part of what I felt coming from the emotional tension and the fact that it was limited?
Adding to that confusion, I recently heard through the grapevine that he told someone I’m “too flamboyant” and “don’t have a job.”
That stings, because I actually run my own business and own my place. Meanwhile, his job isn’t that well paid, he’s in debt, and yet he looked down on me. It’s wild to me that someone who texted me “good morning” every single day and “good night” before bed could still claim he wasn’t catching feelings.
I’m not even sure what I’m looking for by posting this — maybe perspective.
Was what I felt even real?
Why do people like this initiate such emotional closeness and then act detached?
And how do you actually move on from someone who opened up to you more than anyone else, but still said they didn’t feel the same way?