TL;DR: My fiancé lied about small things involving his ex, then gaslighted me when I found out. Now I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
Hi everyone, I (F21) have been with my fiancé (M25) for about 13 months. Some of you might’ve seen my previous post — if not, check it for more context, because it explains why this situation is so deep.
For context: I struggle with severe retroactive jealousy — intrusive jealousy about my partner’s past that’s been really damaging to my mental health. I’m starting therapy for it soon. He’s also made some painful comments before, like saying a man can only love once and that his ex will always have a place in his heart. So yeah — anything involving his ex is a very sensitive topic for me.
What happened after my last post
After that post, things got really bad. He started gaslighting me, saying things like:
“The truth is just hard, and you need to accept it.” “You don’t want me to lie, but when I tell you the truth, you get angry.” “It’s a known fact that a man can only give his heart once.”
It broke me. I even thought about leaving him.
Then, a few days later, we had a breakdown moment in the car — he actually cried for the first time. He said women in his past had used his kindness against him, and that’s why he hides how much he loves me — because he’s scared I’ll use that power over him. That moment felt real. I thought maybe we could rebuild something.
But then this week happened.
⸻
What happened this week
It started on Tuesday night, when he suddenly told me he found out who his ex (let’s call her Daniela) had married. They have been broken up 5 years ago. We had agreed that he wouldn’t bring her up again, because of what it does to me mentally and emotionally, so hearing that hit me hard.
He said an old mutual friend from school had added him on Instagram, and that he “accidentally” saw Daniela in that friend’s followers list. But that didn’t make sense. Who scrolls through hundreds of followers just to check?
I let it go — until Wednesday, when everything blew up. I found out that his phone passcode — which he’s had since before we met — is 0605, the anniversary date he shared with his ex. I’ve asked him many times throughout our relationship if that code had any meaning. Every time, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “No, it’s nothing.”
When I confronted him, he admitted that it was their date but said he lied because he “didn’t want to upset me.” It wasn’t even about the code anymore — it was about how easily he could lie to me.
That night, when I tried to talk about it, he gaslighted me again, saying things like:
“You’re too emotional,” “You make a big deal out of nothing,” “You’re not fit for marriage.”
I cried for hours.
The next night (Thursday), he finally apologized. He admitted that he’d been gaslighting me and said,
“I need to stop lying. I’ll be honest with you from now on.” For a moment, I believed him.
⸻
Friday and Saturday — the deleted chat
A day later, I discovered that he had deleted a chat with that same old friend — the one who supposedly helped him “accidentally” find out who his ex married. When I asked why, he said,
“Because I know how you are. You would’ve gotten upset if you saw it.”
That made no sense. If the chat was really innocent, why delete it? The timing was suspicious — it was the exact chat where he supposedly learned that “who she is married to.”
When I pushed for details, his story changed multiple times. First, he said he looked through the guy’s followers before he knew he was married. Then, later, he said it was after — that he went back to check if other women were on the list, and that his ex was “the only woman” there.
I checked myself. That was a lie. When I confronted him again, he admitted it and literally said:
“I don’t know. I’d already lied about everything else, so I just lied about that too.”
That sentence broke something in me.
⸻
The final straw — Snapchat
He also once told me he couldn’t access his Snapchat ‘My Eyes Only’ folder because he “forgot the code.” When I tried 0605, it unlocked immediately. There wasn’t anything explicit inside, but again — the lie itself made me sick.
⸻
Since then, I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety. My heart races, I can’t sleep, and I feel like I have to check everything. He keeps saying, “I only lie to protect you,” but that doesn’t protect me — it destroys me.
He’s not a bad person. I’ve seen the good in him. But the gaslighting, the small lies, the emotional manipulation — it’s killing the safety I used to feel.
I love him, but I don’t feel safe with him anymore. He told me he’s sorry, he admitted his wrongs and he says he’s ademend to be better. He knows he’s wrong and he’s started therapy (on his own) to figure out why he is the way he is.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I need advice.