Hey everyone,
I (25F) have a 2-month-old baby with my partner (25M). During my pregnancy and the first few weeks postpartum, he was incredible — like movie-level supportive. I had an emergency C-section, and he didn’t let me lift a finger. Cooked, cleaned, helped with baby, made sure I was comfortable — the whole thing.
But once he went back to work, everything changed.
Now we’re around the 6–8 week mark, and I feel like I’m doing everything alone. I have to ask him to watch the baby so I can shower. I sort of expect him to see when I need a break or offer help, but when I bring that up, he just says, “You have to tell me.”
He works a physically demanding job, and when he gets home, he eats, showers, and then goes straight to his computer to play games for 5–6 hours. That’s it. No exaggeration. When I ask him to do something simple — like take the bins out — it’s met with “I’ll do it later” or “Just use the other bin.” Like no, the house actually smells!
Meanwhile, I’m on maternity leave but still contributing financially. I cook, clean, grocery shop, look after the baby, do laundry, everything. But I’m constantly behind. If I cook, the laundry piles up. If I do laundry, dinner’s late. Something always has to give, and I feel like I’m failing at all of it.
I’ve tried to explain that I need help, but it just doesn’t sink in. He seems to think that because he works, he’s done his part — but I’m working 24/7 too, just unpaid. I love him and I know he’s tired, but I’m beyond exhausted and resentful.
How do I get through to him without it turning into another argument? Has anyone else’s partner done a complete 180 like this after the baby came?
TL;DR: Partner (25M) was incredibly supportive during my pregnancy and first few weeks postpartum, but ever since going back to work he’s stopped helping. I (25F) do everything — cooking, cleaning, baby, laundry — while he comes home, eats, showers, and games for hours. When I ask for help, he says “just tell me,” but I’m exhausted from having to constantly ask. Don’t know how to make him understand that I need help without it turning into an argument.
28 comments
yikes, that’s rough. sounds like he’s forgetting that parenting doesn’t stop just because he’s back at work. you’re running a 24/7 job at home and deserve support without having to beg for it. maybe set clear expectations and a schedule. sometimes guys need concrete steps, not hints. you’re not failing, you’re doing too much alone.
if he has time to game for 5-6 hours. he has time to be doing something else.
The playing games for 5-6 hours nightly HAS to stop. Just as a parent in general you don’t get that luxury. Do you have close friends or families with young kids where maybe other dads could explain he needs to be a present parent?
It might be helpful to list out everything you do in a day and show it to him and say do you think this is feasible while also taking care of a newborn? Can we split this up more fairly? And if you plan on going back to work that would also be a great point. Ok so if we’re both working how do you expect this to get done?
“but it just doesn’t sink in”
It does sink in. He knows what you are saying but he feels he did all he needs to do because he was SO GOOD those few weeks that he was supportive. He got bonus points for that and expects to live on those forever.
AND he would rather play 5-6 hours of computer games than talk with you or spend time with the baby.
My advice is to stop feeding him. Taking care of his laundry.
And look after the baby and yourself.
If he doesn’t get it then, you need marriage counselling or a divorce.
Because he needs consequences for his actions or rather lack of.
“Men will teach women to do it all alone and then get angry when they do just that.” You have that guy.
Unplugs the wifi and calls his parents to say his adult programming has broken and he’s reverted to being a teenager. Courage to you!
“It’s not fair that you get down time every day and I get no down time, yes your job is hard but this is what we signed up for. You’re a parent just as much as I am”
Rip off the bandaid, sit him down tell him you won’t be living like this and if he chooses to not be a partner or a parent, he’s choosing your separation.
Tell him exactly what you expect and hold him to it, if he pushes back, he’s told you everything you need to know.
Frankly I don’t think he will change because a good person wouldn’t do what he’s doing, but at least you will know you gave him a chance.
Do you have family nearby? What he’s doing isn’t love, that’s not even like. He doesn’t want a life with you, his actions are clear.
Another day another post about a checked out guy.
Women do better as single mothers than in this very same situation.
Something to think about.
Just set a time limit for gaming like an hour a night or when all things are done that need to be done
Here’s a radical idea: tell him to take a week off. He’s going to parent while you go … do whatever. Take a vacation with a friend. Spend the days going to museums and shopping. Volunteering at a pet shelter. Whatever. Give him a tangible reminder that *he’s a dad now* and that means being an active partner in your partnership.
I’m in your partner’s shoes. I work a massively physically demanding job. I’m often awake at 3am and then between 4am and some time in the afternoon, there’s few minutes where I am not sweating while repeatedly lifting 50-150 pounds. It’s a “slow day” if I get fewer than 20,000 steps.
But when I come home, I kiss my partner, and play with our five month old, give him a bottle if he’s hungry, change him if he needs changing … *then* I take a shower. After that, it’s whatever needs doing. Most nights I take care of dinner, other nights she does dinner. I encourage her to get out of the house without the baby – whether that’s to go to the gym or get a drink with a friend. It’s not like I’m Superdad or anything, I’m just a fellow parent. I do still play video games — like during nap times while a load of wash is going and the house is relatively not a mess.
It’s time for his come to Jesus moment. Because if this is him when your child is at its most visibly needy, he’s not going to be involved once your kid has some autonomy.
Yes. And unfortunately, you’re really going to have to tell him what you need. My husband didn’t feel confident around our baby, and was of a “but you know what you’re doing” or “you’ve got this handled” mindset.
I also had a breakdown around 2 months in and told him “when is the last time you changed a diaper?” He was offended and said that he did help out with the baby, but things still didn’t get better after that. He later told me that he’d felt that I had “taken over” caring for the baby. He just didn’t feel he had a role to play.
He turned into the perfect dad/partner when I had our second baby. He had 2 year’s worth of experience by then, so he was better able to pre-empt what I needed. For example, our first day back from the hospital, I was EXHAUSTED because our son was up every hour that night, and the next morning my husband said “did you pump enough milk last night? Then you can go to sleep and I’ll take him.” That NEVER happened when we had our first. From then on, I was able to take naps every Saturday until my son started to refuse to take a bottle.
So yes, it sounds stupid, but tell him what you need. Give him a job – or several – to do. And let him know when you need a bath or a nap or just to get out of the house for the day. Unfortunately, men aren’t mindreaders. But they can be taught 😊
I would cut off the internet before and let my husband treat me this way with a newborn.
Have a talk and designate certain chores as fully his responsibility. For example, my husband is responsible for floors, baby laundry, and bottle prep for daycare. I’m responsible for wiping down gross surfaces (kitchen counters, toilets), general tidying, and diaper laundry. Definitely don’t do his laundry. And half an hour after he gets home, he does a baby shift while you have an hour long rest. Every day.
Playing games 5-6 hours a night with a full time job and a newborn baby is not only selfish, but honestly neglectful. Managing a household alone and a baby alone is extremely difficult and that’s why you feel like you’re failing at it. BUT You’re not failing at all; the only person failing at their duties is your partner. Do you want this to be the type of parent your child has? How do you think this situation would evolve if you were to have another child down the line? Or maybe an illness makes you unable to carry the tasks of the household on your own?
You are barely two months postpartum. healing from a c-section takes a lot longer when you aren’t resting. You are still recovering from childbirth, and your focus should be bonding with your baby, enjoying some newborn magic, resting… taking care of your needs. Your husband sucks.
Edit: a few works
Show him your post. The games cause so many problems. People get addicted and don’t want to do anything else .This can cause serious problem in family. The balance is lost.
As someone who has spent years teaching my partner what mental and emotional load is, I implore you to say exactly what you mean and set consequences explicitly laid out now, not later.
You don’t want to be dealing with this for years to come. Divide tasks, don’t accept that you are better at it or he doesn’t know how to. All adults need to know ALL aspects of keeping home and children.
He knows… he just also knows what he can get away with.
He was great at being the hero during a crisis (pregnancy/birth). He’s terrible at being a partner during the grind (daily life).
The 6 hours of gaming isn’t the problem, man. It’s his escape pod from the responsibilities of being a father and a husband.
Drop back to the bare minimum in what you do – do NOT do his laundry, he’s a grown ass man and can do that himself. Focus on you and baby. I hate it when guys pull this crap. Good luck mama.
I’m so sorry, OP. You must be exhausted. First of all, congratulations on your beautiful new baby!
Your partner definitely needs to meet you half way. He’s living like he isn’t a father! If you haven’t already, let him know you need to talk to him when the baby is sleeping. Tell him how you feel. Try not to blame him. He’ll most likely get defensive and nothing will improve. Tell him you understand and appreciate how hard he works and you know after he comes home he needs a break. However, when you have a newborn, 6 hours of gaming a night isn’t realistic. Ask if you guys can compromise. Tell him how important it is that he continues to bond with the baby and how much you enjoy family time. Maybe he can play the game while baby is napping or for an hour or so after baby is down “for the night”. At the end of the day, he needs to compromise! Best of luck, OP!
I think I’d throw the gaming set out of window personally 🤣
All jokes aside, he needs to step it up. That’s insane.
I’ve been through this before. Depending on how he was before the baby came, i.e. did he take out trash and do laundry or dishes before you got pregnant, if so, then he’s also completely overwhelmed and isn’t being vocal about it. In which case you need to get both of you on the same page and also, have a conversation about how you’re both feeling and how you can support EACH OTHER! Please keep in mind, he may be overwhelmed in different ways than you are. Do not dismiss his feelings or what he is going through either. Use ‘I’ statements when talking to him, don’t use ‘you never’
So instead of saying something like, you never take out the trash when I ask;
Say, I get frustrated when you don’t take the trash out because it smells bad.
He’s tired, your tired. Come together and make a plan.
If he never did these things before, then he’s not going to now. When you have a kid it just highlights the disparities in the relationship.
Do you have a sister, mom, or friend that can visit to give you some help until the baby is sleeping through the night? Don’t wait for him to step up. Bring in help. Hire it if you can afford it. If he asks why, explain that you are drowning and need help.
All I remember about my kids being tiny is soul crushing sleep deprivation. I ended up leaving my husband basically because he refused to help at all with anything. He thought his role was to grade my contribution. I was making more money and doing everything on the home front. I kept it going until I got so run down that I got really sick and he still refused to help. So I left. He said he wanted 50/50. I laughed in his face and said great. We can start right now. You take them this weekend. I went to a friend’s and slept all weekend. He admits that he really hadn’t even really met is kids until that moment. He spent the whole weekend with them. On Monday he said “Wow, they never stop coming at you, do they”? He was exhausted after 2 days with them!
He’s bored of you. There’s another girl.
I hear you. So, my situation is a little different. Both my husband and I are ND and he actually needs around 3 hours a night to decompress (and 7 hours of sleep to function). We tried to go without it and he burned out… which could be where your partner could be right now since he did so well the first two weeks. Not diagnosing, just saying that it happens.
What we did was communicate each morning how the night before felt for both of us until we found a pattern where I didn’t want a divorce and he didn’t want to sleep for a month straight.
Our current situation (been like this for about 6 months). I am the stay at home and husband has a fantastic work from home job some your milage will vary. But anyway
5am: wake up with kiddo (if we didn’t wake up earlier – he has insomnia and is diagnosed autistic)
8am: husband wakes up and gives me an hour and a half to shower and mentally take a break and eat a warm breakfast before he has to go to work
5:30pm: husband gets off of work. I have dinner made, we eat as a family and I go into our room to take anti anxiety meds and decompress away from our toddler.
8pm: if kiddo hasnt already fallen asleep, I get up and finish the night routine so husband can decompress. This has been an amazing change for my husband because he goes straight from working to family time so knowing at 8pm he gets to disengage keeps resentment and frustration to a minimum. Also, our son prefers me to read him bedtime stories. 🥰
9:30pm: I go to sleep and husband plays video games until midnight.
We BOTH do chores on the weekend. Baby/toddler care is a full-time job. If we hired someone to do it (which we couldn’t afford), they wouldn’t be making meals for everyone or doing laundry either. I am sure some amazing people can do it all, but not me.
We also both tidy up as we go. My son needs a minimally cluttered space so its necessary.
Obviously- this is fucked up.
But here is what practically could help.
One of you must be the “manager” of different things in the house. Your husband assumes that you are the manager of the baby. You may not want this to be the case especially because he is so neglectful right now.
List out the things you both do to run the house and care for the baby. Then divide up those tasks and choose days that it must be fulfilled. Ask him “what day should trash be taken out before bed?” “Which day are you taking out the trash? Which day am I taking out the trash?” “What days per week should you go on walks with the baby?” “What days should we take breaks? What do those breaks look like? How long should they be?” Since taking care of a baby is a 24/7 job.
I would literally make a schedule- to clearly show the division of tasks- and see if he steps up.
Make sure to tell him that youre struggling and he needs to set his own time limit for gaming because we now have shared tasks to do and you dont want to do it alone.
Hope that helps. Good luck ❤️
From experience I have bad news. This is not going to end well. You can’t make people be and do as they should. He has checked out.
So he comes home bad doesn’t even spend time with his kid either? Ask him why he’s ok with being such a poor excuse for a partner and father. Put it back on him to acknowledge it. Cause providing money just makes him a partial monetary provider, not a partner or a dad. He’s doing less than bare minimum. What’s his excuse when you go back to work and provide the money too? Does he still expect you to do everything? UPDATEME