Context:
My bf went to a party at a club for a friends bday. I noticed he followed a woman after. I messaged him saying I noticed, and I’m. It comfortable with him picking up IGs from parties. He said it was a mutual who must have found his account through being tagged in a pic that night, but he admitted he only accepted because he felt ‘ I accused him of doing things he wasn’t doing ‘ ( I have been suspicious of him in the past.. but hey … doing things out of spite is a solution I guess)
He was very apologetic about it. Maybe almost too much – leading me to wonder just how innocent the interaction was. Anyway wrong or right, I looked on his phone a couple months later as he refused to unfollow her ( he felt this was controlling ) but insisted they weren’t talking. I found a month later he replied very platonically asking her to ‘ bring him’ to an event she was at next time ( she hosts / attends some private music event). He defended it saying he doesn’t care about the woman he just wanted to go to the event.
I feel uncomfortable with all of this and feel like my boundaries are being tested and violated.
11 comments
You’re feeling uneasy and unsure what to make of your boyfriend’s interactions with this woman, especially since he refused to unfollow her despite insisting there was nothing going on.
It sounds like you’ve been hurt in the past and are struggling to trust him again. His apologetic tone might be making things worse for you, as it’s hard not to wonder if he’s genuinely sorry or just trying to calm your concerns.
Can you tell me more about what makes you think his defense of wanting to go to that event sounds insincere?
Him saying he only did it because you accused him is him manipulating you to be the bad guy in the situation. He’s playing in your face.
Has he ever done things that are betrayals?
How in control of your insecurities are you? It sounds like you spend a lot of time questioning his relationship to other women and that he is tired of it.
Based on what you wrote there is no way for us to know if this is suspicious or not. You gave nothing about his character or his history on this front.
It sounds like you guys are incompatible.
He’s allowed to decide he wants to have female friends/acquaintances without being harangued, and you’re allowed to want to be in a relationship where the man has no friends except those approved by you. You are not allowed to impose your desire and it sounds like you guys have terrible communication on this difference of perspective.
If he’s done nothing wrong and is supportive, then it’s a you issue that you need to get a grip on. If he’s a flirty porn guy, then it’s on you to leave because he’s made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to work with you on this and it sounds like you spend a lot of time worrying when a relationship should lift you up.
Social media is so awful and it adds more issues to relationships. He knows you’re watching his accounts closely, I mean you obviously have his following number memorized and then realized it increased immediately. Even though he knew that he still proceeded to have contact with this girl. He’s trying to tell you something- listen!
If you’re at a point in your relationship where you regularly check his phone in general, and his messages, and also go through the accounts he follows on social media, then does it really matter if what we think he did is appropriate or not? Clearly the trust is already gone (or, it was never there to begin with).
You’ve made your boundaries clear and he doesn’t agree with them. Ultimately neither of you can realistically expect the other to change, so either you accept who he is, or accept that he’s just not the right partner for you (and vice versa).
He’s interested in her and your boundaries are being violated.
If the roles were reversed, he likely wouldn’t like it either.
WTF? I assume you are seriously mentally impaired and he “loves” you for you gullibility.
What do you think?
You’re not crazy for feeling uncomfortable that situation is definitely shady. Even if his intentions were “innocent,” the fact that he messaged her after a party and then lied by omission shows poor boundaries and respect.
You’ve already communicated how it made you feel, and he still chose to ignore that. That’s not about control it’s about trust.
“hey new friend, can my gf and I ride along with you to the really cool event we talked about at the party?”
Sounds cool, he’s including gf so new girl knows he’s not a potential romantic partner.
“hey new friend, really looking forward to riding with you to the really cool event!”
Does *not* include gf because new girl doesn’t know he has a gf, and he thinks he’s very much available as a romantic partner.
So you confront him and ask why he didn’t invite you along. “I didn’t think you’d be interested.” <- guaranteed. Don’t fall for it. He didn’t invite you because he doesn’t want you there. Why would he not want you sitting between him and his new gf? Maybe he’s worried it will get awkward… C’MON GIRL OPEN YOUR EYES
Make him choose. After he tells her he has a gf and blocks her, break up with him.
At your big age of 28 why do you feel the need to closely monitor the following count of your boyfriend?
Following a woman after an event? Not bad. That was the original intent for social media. To stay connected to people you meet.
Dm’ing an event promoter? Kinda like it’s their job.. asking to see if they can help you get in to a party/function seems within reason to me.
Dm’ing people that they’re sexy? Break up worthy.
Regardless of his behavior i’m going to speak to you. You stalking following accounts is childish. Going through phones? You either trust your partner or you don’t. You need to heal before moving forward with romantic relationships.