for him and me it was first time we involved in physical, we had long distance relationship and i met him twice, its me only who visited him twice. when we first time met whatever happened between us idk i almost forgot, even if i try to remember i barely knows those intimate connection except one, two moments. i never been into any relationship before for me it was 1st time when i did and i went alone to meet him without informing my parents/closed person. i was too scared because i lied. but after one day having physical i was returning workplace alone and train was delayed by 6hr and i arrived 12 am and i was all alone in my city, i was scared and tired as fuck somehow i took auto and reached to my pg and in between my heart was pounding because i was all alone and scared. after this incident i promised myself i would never visit to him anymore.
but due to long distance our misunderstanding increased even more. i insisted him to meet at least in a coffee shop or dates or anything, he denied and scold me then after 10 months of struggle i again visited to the same place and again i lied to parents, somehow he manipulated me to come over there, we got intimate but it felt i was the one who was putting efforts in intimacy not him, i mean he was enjoying but i felt he want something extra or more, kissing, hugging, cuddling and when when intimacy is over he treat me like he dont know me, i remember he told me to stay far from his pg because if someone sees him with me it would be embarrassing to him, i felt so bad, however i wanted to give him the love he wanted but he was not feeling satisfied each time, i dont know what he wants, why he used to emotionally abused me even after having sex or intimacy, why he used to avoid talk about emotional connection between us, right after sex when i told him that miss him he got frustrated why?
i have started blaming myself like im lacking of something, what is sex? how it exactly happens? if i can feel him why he cant feel the same with me? why he run away right after sex to bathroom, why does not he stay there for a while and relax? why he used to ignore me right after sex?
if anyone know psychology behind it let me know, because i cant stop blaming myself like im not enough for a guy.