Ok so this might be a little long and convoluted. I fear I’m going through a small identity crisis, and I think I might be aromatic the problem as you can probably guess is that I am currently in a 3 year relationship with my gf. A pickle a I know. This entire post will more or less boil down to, do i break up with my gf of 3 years so we can both find ourselves, hopefully be better off for it, or do I stick it out get over myself and hope everything will work out and I can be happy with my great gf.
Background, me and my gf meet at the start of high school, we went to an all girls private school with a pretty small cohort, we got off nearly instantly and became very fast friends alongside a few others, it became apparent after a few months that there was something developing however I didn’t want to rush into my first relationship and told myself that if the feeling was still there after 2 years that I would pursue it. (Honey moon period or something) after close to two years of a situation-ship we got together and have been ever since. We where each others first relationship. My gf is great, a really happy person with a lot of energy, think golden retriever gf. We both think communicating is incredibly important and we have never had a serious argument. We both left our old school and moved closer to our respective homes she is completing her final year of school and I’m pursuing a career. However this has left us pretty far apart and we often only see each other once a month usually on weekends. Being long distance has been rough on my gf, I don’t know why but I don’t miss people, not really at least, so I’ve handled the distance fine, however it’s only gonna get worse from here and idk how my gf is gonna cope with it.
My gfs love language is physical touch, I however struggle with physical intimacy, back when we first got together and even before that it wasn’t uncommon to see the 2 of us basically sitting on top on one another, we were incredibly close. However as we’ve grown up I’ve begun to become more reserved and even avoidant of physical affection. I believe that at the start of our relationship I was incredibly touch starved and I’ve merely reverted to my natural state as I’ve never been an overly affectionate person and prefer to show my care in other ways. This has become a bit of a problem, my gf will want to cuddle but I’ll become overstimulated and need my space (might be a good time to mention I’m autistic and my gf is adhd) I can tell that it effects her when I need to turn down her attempts at affection. A side issue to this is that my gf is an extrovert and I’m an introvert, my life is rather busy and chaotic and after a long week I prefer to sit down and relax, on the other my gf will often get large bouts of energy wanting to go on walks or adventures, don’t get me wrong I love doing those things as well and I’m not unfit, but I need time to myself to recharge and recover and I find I just can’t do that with my gf around. When my gf visits I’m constantly trying to find us something to do or make sure she’s happy and it takes a lot out of me, it feels wrong to ignore her or leave her by herself in my house so rather then resting I find myself more exhausted after we meet up and at times I find myself dreading her coming over because I know I won’t be resting that weekend, it makes me feel terrible because my gf is pretty low maintenance she’s just high energy.
I’m asexual, have known since before we got together and made it clear and known years before we did get together. My gf is not ace. We have tried it out before, however it only confirmed what I already knew, I have no desire for sexual intimacy in fact I would say I would prefer to avoid it. (Not because of the experience just how I feel.) As I said my gf isn’t ace and I can tell she wants to indulge more, she’s never tried to pressure me and has made it clear she doesn’t want to if I don’t, however I can tell that she gets disappointed sometimes. Since we are each others first partner and we got together quite young she hasn’t had the chance to explore these things before and I fear that if things stay how they are then she never will. I don’t won’t to compromise on my own comfort and wellbeing as the activities make me uncomfortable, but I feel like I’m with holding a valuable and important life experience from her. Early on in our relationship I had even offered to allow her to find sexual partners outside myself as I knew my view was one that I didn’t want to compromise on but one she didn’t share. My gf however has maintained a strongly monogamous stance and refuses to consider the idea.
I feel as though I’m stopping my gf from exploring herself and indulging in the things everyone else our age is. Not just the intimacy but other indulgences that she wants to participate in. Like everyone else our age she wants to go out drinking most nights and trying out different substances at parties. Know you might think I’m a bit of a prude or a kill joy but it bugs me and I need to get it off my chest. I don’t mind the drinking, I don’t drink, tried it out found it wasn’t for me don’t really care about it. It has concerned me at time the amount she’s drunken and some of her friends are borderline alcoholic, my gf is also very pron to peer pressure but my biggest concern comes from the drugs. My gf has this desire to try almost everything out there, I would like to clarify that drugs like weed and the like are illegal where we are. I have made my views and opinions on the mater known to her multiple times, that I believe that trying drugs out for the hell of it is stupid and a good way to get addicted, and that if you need a drug to have a good time then what’s the point. However I have made it very clear that I will not stop her from doing these things as I don’t feels it’s my place to police her actions or tell her what she can and can’t do, I’ve only made my view on the mater clear so that she can make her own decisions as she’s fully capable of doing.
Despite me maintaining my stance on not wanting to force her to no longer do these things as things she wants, I hasn’t changed my feelings on the mater and I don’t think I want to be with someone long term that does drugs, if I plan to one day marry this person which is our end goal, I don’t think I could be married to someone who does drugs, however whenever I’ve brought up my concerns with people be that to my gf herself or family and friends, I’ve more or less been brushed off as this is just typical teenage behaviour and that she’ll grown out of it. But I don’t like putting my faith and future in a maybe. But even if it is a faze, is it ok to not like the person she is now in hopes for one I do like in the future? Idk it seems wrong or at least dishonest.
Idk if I’m aromatic or if I romanticised the perfect relationship so much that when I find things coming up short I get disappointed. Because I genuinely believe that my gf is as close to perfect as I’m probably going to get and if I’m not in love with her or if we can’t make it work then it’s because I’m aromatic and not built for a relationship, or my standards are too unrealistic. The problem with the later being that if my standards are too unrealistic I don’t know that I would want to lower them. I like my view on love, It brings me joy to read and watch these stories of people falling in love and if I can’t find that for myself, if it can’t exist for me, I would honestly be happier being by myself in delusion then subject someone to my unrealistic and unreasonable expectations even if I don’t hold them to those standards I know in my heart that I would still compare.
I don’t want to breakup with my gf thinking of what could be or that I’m missing out and come to regret it, I don’t think taking a break to figure this all out would really work either, I don’t think my gf would appreciate the idea of a break and I don’t either, I we take a break and my gf thinks there’s a chance of getting back together I don’t think my gf would try to find other partners or romantic or otherwise. if we don’t plan on getting back together I would rather end it with certainty, I don’t want my gf waiting on a decision from me that might never come. I care for my gf a lot I I want what’s best for her but I no longer know if that’s me.
TLDR: I don’t know if me and my gf are the right fit for each other, as an asexual potential aromatic introvert I feel as though I’m keeping my gf from living her life the way she deserves and worry I should let her go so she can find someone who more closely shares her interest and doesn’t judge her lifestyle and can give her the love and attention she deserves. So do I do i break up with my gf of 3 years so we can both find ourselves, hopefully be better off for it, or do I stick it out get over myself and hope everything will work out and I can be happy with my great gf?