I am honestly still trying to process everything that happened this week. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. Things have mostly been good, but we argue sometimes about small stuff chores, money, communication. Last weekend, we had one of those stupid fights that start small but spiral fast. It was about money. I got frustrated because she’s been ordering stuff online a lot lately, and I made a comment that came out harsher than I meant. She got quiet, said I can’t do this right now, and went to bed early.

The next morning, she left for work… or at least that’s what I thought. That night, I came home to find a note on the counter that just said, I need to clear my head for a few days. Please don’t call me.

I panicked. I called her a bunch of times, texted her, even called her sister. No one knew where she was. Two days later, she texted saying she was safe and staying at her cousin’s beach house. She came back three days after that like nothing happened. Calm, relaxed, and said she just needed space.

I have been trying to act normal, but honestly, I am struggling. I keep wondering why she didn’t just tell me before leaving, or why she had to completely cut contact. It makes me feel like she wanted to disappear from me, not just take space.

When I asked her about it, she said she didn’t want to fight anymore and needed time to breathe. I get that, but it’s hard not to feel hurt. I have never done anything to make her feel unsafe or trapped. I am not angry, just confused and weirdly distant now.

How do I move past this without constantly wondering what really happened?

TL;DR: My wife left for a few days after a fight, didn’t tell me where she was until later, and now I don’t know how to trust things to be okay again.


27 comments

  1. What, exactly, did you say to her? I think that will be a very important part of our advice here

  2. I think it’s hard to say something about it, without knowing what kind of harsh thing you’ve said to her

  3. ngl if my partner disappeared for days w zero contact I’d never look at them the same again like that’s not “space” that’s emotional ghosting

  5. This is horrible advice but my petty meter would be off the charts. I would take like Wed-Friday off from work and Tuesday afternoon she would come home to an identical note. Saturday I would walk in the door relaxed and calm and tell her I had to go to Vegas for space and to clear my head. Sometimes the only way they can appreciate how they made you feel isvto be forced to live through it too.

  6. I’d try to be solution oriented and think about how you want to handle situations in the future where she needs space but you want to know that she’s alright. Internally I’d recommend assuming honesty on her part – that what really happened is exactly what she said happened. I would think about seeking out marital therapy- it’s helped me and my wife a lot and I’d take this as a serious need for you two to figure out some better ways of working together.

  7. Apparently the fight you had made her feel unsafe. So saying you’ve never is part of the problem.

  8. This one argument could have been the straw that broke the camels back. It wasn’t a nice way of dealing with it, but to remove herself from the situation tells me she wasn’t in a good place.

  9. I’ve known a lot of women who go off and cheat after a fight to get their revenge. They usually come back without a care in the world as they feel like they have “won” the argument by doing it.
    It may not be the case but if this is how she reacts when you are discussing something as important as spending money, you shouldn’t stay with her.

    I would calmly tell her the time away allowed you enough time to think about things and you no longer want to be in a relationship with her. Take your things and walk away.

  10. If you’re fighting about money then spending even more of it on couples counseling is probably a stretch, but it sounds like you guys need help.

    You already needed help for the fighting, but now you need help for the abandonment and broken trust.

    You can’t maintain a marriage with the expectation that your wife is just going to drop off the map periodically. 

    I’m not even talking about whether she was cheating. What she did cut at the basic bedrock of being married. She’s a fool to think you’ll be normal after she makes a selfish move like that.

  11. She was very clear that she needed space to clear her mind. She asked to not be called and the first thing you did was call and not give the space she asked for. To now be hurt is wild. She literally needed space because of how you spoke to her. You. You don’t get to flip that on her.

    The things you’re saying are “small” really aren’t that small. They are reasons people get divorced often enough.

    Try communicating with her and apologizing for what you said to her. Work on these issues so that they DON’T spiral. And if you have an issue with her spending specifically, be direct. Direct BUT kind. Don’t say “we” if it’s not a “we” problem. And if she needs to decompress, let her. Trust her.

  12. I don’t see how you can trust her again. You will forever be wondering what she did during that period, and next time you guys argue, whether she is going to run off again (most likely into someones arms).

  13. Do you have an open device policy? Women just don’t bail on their husband just like that for multiple days. Are you in contact with the cousin that has the beach house? Can you contact him for the truth (chances are that the wife might have convinced the cousin to lie to you)? That’s why maybe a device scan will help. Either way you questioning the cousin would set the alarm bells ringing for your wife, if anything happened and if you have good discerning skills, you will know something is off.

  14. If she needs space, she needs space. She could have told you beforehand though. Might be time for marriage counseling

  15. Something tells me that her experience of that argument does not match your experience of it. Women do this go off on their own for 3 days for no reason. It was likely the culmination of months of suppressed unhappiness that suddenly became overwhelming.

  16. >we argue sometimes about small stuff chores, money, communication

    Does your wife also think that chores, money and communication are ‘small stuff’ things?

    For many people being on the same page on those issues is what makes or breaks a relationship.

    It’s for you to decide if you can get over the ghosting, however if you want things to be ok again, it’s up to the both of you to work on how you communicate with each other, preferably with the help of a counselor.

    Because it does read that what feels like small things to you feels like something much bigger to her.

  17. >I have never done anything to make her feel unsafe or trapped.

    Well, that’s your perspective on the situation, but she did just completely bail on you for a couple of days, so who knows if that’s how she feels.

  18. you had a communication issue where you made a comment that even you admit was unduly harsh and she was hurt by it. It sounds like she was beyond her capacity to handle those comments so she needed space. you could have apologized somehow, either by just saying it directly to her or leaving her a note but you didnt.

    rather than engage in an argument she just needed to disengage for a few days to let her mind clear and come back in a better head space. I would recommend talking to her like an adult and open that conversation with an apology and admit that you were wrong for what you said. After that talk about how to communicate in the future on situations like that, hint this conversation is about how the last conversation went and communication in general and not the spending, save that for another time.

    you need more communication here, keep it calm and civil, you are supposed to be a team and when there is a problem in the relationship it is the two of you vs the problem not she is causing a problem you have to berate her over.

  19. It’s been about an hour since this was posted.

    Scrolling through the comments it’s pretty clear you deleted your comments, trying to sanitize the situation in your favor. So I’m guessing this fight, these arguments weren’t minor. Your harsh words weren’t harsh, they were worse. Probably not the first argument you’ve had over these issues, either.

    The fact that you won’t tell people what you said exactly, means you know you were wrong and we would judge you for it. So. You screwed up. Even if calling her out on her spending habits was valid, you overreacted and went nuclear. Definitely not for the first time, and your meltdown gave your wife the “wake up and get the hell out of Dodge” call.

    She took space to clear her mind. Could she have communicated that better? Yes. But if she says she needs space and don’t call her, and you immediately bombard her with calls and texts? Yeah, that’s a sign of controlling and frankly (borderline) abusive behavior.

    So: advice. For you? Anger management and control issue therapy. For both of you? couples therapy. If either party feels there’s not enough left to save the mariage, use the couples therapy to come to terms with this in as healthy a way as possible.

  21. Tell her how her disappearing that way hurt you and lessened your trust in her. Discuss healthier ways to deal with arguments in the future as her leaving and going radio silent is damaging to the relationship.

  22. *”It makes me feel like she wanted to disappear from me, not just take space”*… So instead of giving her space, I tried to hound her down and not respect what she said in her note by giving her space.

    If you cannot respect her simple wishes and admit whatever you’ve deleted about what you really said was very harsh, then you have a communication issue. You hear but you don’t listen.

    You’re now jumping to wild conclusions that no doubt you’ve made up in your head, saying you have lost trust for her.

    I think you should get over yourself. Give your wife what she obviously needs.

    I will circle back to: *”It makes me feel like she wanted to disappear from me, not just take space”*… and THAT is fine. She can do this, she’s her own person not just your wife. If she wants to take space and not have you contact her then that is OK. Why can’t you grasp that? And had you done that, would this whole situation blown up in your head?

  23. Hope OP updates soon! It sounds like they really need to figure out some communication before it spirals again!!

  24. All I need to know is the fact that she asked you not to call and that was the first thing you did. Yet you claim you’ve never made her feel trapped. Doesn’t seem that way to me.

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